My dating issues- super low self esteem!

mollynminnie

I have been 4 years out from my dx and have finally started dating again.  The problem is that I think I am subconsciously turning way anyone who is interested in me after a few dates!  I have such LOW self esteem now- whuch has never been an issue before (pre BC).  I find it hard to believe that anyone could find me attractive or even like me at all! (had double mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction plus implants).

I know that I am sooo scared to let anyone see me without any clothes- so I turn them away before we get to the point of being intimate.

HELP!  Should I think about seeing a therapist?  I really don't know how to get past this.  I have met some wonderful men and I do want a relationship.

How do you all get over feeling this way?

Thanks!!

Molly

changes

Hi Molly,

I don't really have any advice to give, but counseling might help you work through this. Hoping some others come along and have some good suggestions.

Best wishes,

Karen

LG300

I just had my exchange surgery last month, and I don't plan on having anyone see me without clothes for awhile.  There are nice guys out there who understand though.  I recently broke up with someone (for reasons other than BC), but we had become intimate after my exchange surgery - I was ready much sooner than I expected to be - but I always kept a bra or camisole on when we fooled around (a sexy black lace bra or camisole can be sexier than nothing).  You might want to see a therapist though concerning your self-esteem issues.  They are totally normal, but a therapist may help you to look at things differently.  Dating after a BMX with reconstruction is a really different (and scary) experience.  It will get easier over time.

mollynminnie

Thanks ladies! 

DiDel

Molly

I feel your pain. I had just the right side mx and I can't imagine taking my clothes off. I told one of my old boyfriends who is currently one of my best friends that he has to see it when I am done reconstruction and give me his opinion. He says he can't wait  he has also said that when you're intimate with a guy most men are focused elsewhere. I say put a sexy bra on and leave it on if you feel too self conscious. A true man will be patient. When you're ready I am sure it won't matter. It just takes time

Stay strong! Happy Holidays

Diane

mollynminnie

Thanks Diane!!  Happy Holidays to you as well!

Molly

Cat123

I'm single and have already had a left mx with tissue expanders.  Started chemo yesterday.  I will eventually want to start dating too but it scares me.  I am confident that my new boob will look good...at least the ones I have seen look good and the scars keep fading over time.  Probably no more having sex with the lights on though!  I worry about losing my hair....I will be picking up a great wig but I will have very short hair for a while and I have always had longer hair.  It will be hard to feel attractive that's for sure.

Cat123

By the way Molly, you look gorgeous!  Concentrate you your great features and the men will too!

Happy Holidays!

 

franie

Molly,I understand what you are going through. I was scared to death to date. unlike you I chose not to get reconstruction and wear DDD prosthesis. I am as flat and smooth as you can get. I look good but can't feel a thing. I had couple bad experiences which caused me to lose the little confidence i had. A lady on this forum kept encouraging me not to give up. Dating wasn't the problem, getting intimate was and how do I tell him. One night I blurted out while on about my third date I know you love my boobs but i can't feel a thing as they were removed. I was amazed that his response was you still look great. I told him my story and said my bra will stay on. I have dated him for a few months now and yes my bra has come off. Don't give up, you are a beautiful woman and you do have breasts. There is a man out there waiting for you and you will be the joy of his life.

Happy Holidays 

jessicav

Molly-

 I feel the same way as you described. I think another thing to do might be to shift your focus to a different kind of man. If you had been attracted to superfical men in the past or those that are heavily invested in physical appearance, perhaps, you might consider different kinds of men with different priorities. 

Some me care alot breasts. Some do not.  Steer clear of the shallow types and open your mind to the men out there who may have not been your type in the past. After this dancing experience, I'm sure you have re-defined your list of the most desireable attributes in a partner. Go for it.

brendaclee3

Hi Molly,

   I just found this site and was so relieved to know other women feel the same way I do. I haven't had a boyfriend in seven years since I had my mastectomy.  I feel like a freak and have sabotaged every relationship because of my low self-esteem.  I was hoping the DIEP procedure scheduled in May would make me feel normal again.  I had never thought that it might not help with my feelings. How does your DIEP side look?  Are you pleased with it?  I think you are beautiful.  Surely there is some man out there with a little depth who can appreciate your situation. 

Lozza10

Hi Molly,

Cat, Lg, Di, Franie & Jessica you rock!    You hit the nail on the head. Brenda, I feel your pain, depth is a two way street.  I too have been lax in my undertaking of a serious relationship since diagnosed 6 years ago, due to my somewhat warped frame of mind, having no nipples, or areolas, instead some choice scars and oddly shaped semi wanna be b cups.  The other day I went to work without a bra, secretly thoroughly enjoyed my debauchery, small steps, how many females do you know can get away with this?  I have come to a conclusion, better late than never, you can put yourself out there, just be prepared for the worst, and if he can't recognize and appreciate the road you've travelled and your zeal, then....next. You're still who you are?  Did you ever rely on your boobs to command attention before.....Nope but won't it be fun when we're 80 and we'll still be front and centre (): 

Props to all ya'll, stay healthy xox Loz

agada

I joined a stricktly female group that goes out to movies, dancing with men (so no threat there), horseback riding, camping, etc.  You might want to try this.

Agada

Fearless_One

Ladies, I feel as you do - I am lonely, but have not started dating again.   I know the reality of it - that yes - this will be a dealbreaker for some men - and for others it won't.   I guess I will wait until recon is complete.   Then  maybe I will have a bit more self-confidence, etc.