How to move on

maryann77

I'm new to the forum but I have read many of your discussions throughout my treatments. I was diagnosed in Feb. of this year- a week after my 33 birthday. As probably many of you, I was devastated, angry, but most of all, scared. Actually I was terrified. I had a mast. in March and started 3- Fec, and 3- doct. I just completed 33 rounds of radiation about 2 months ago and I am currently taking tamoxifen. I am scheduled for surgery in Feb. to remove my ovaries and then I'll be switched over to an inhibitor. I guess, my real concern or question is how does one deal or cope with the risk of reoccurance? I have 2 small children and I can't imagine not being around for them and not being able to watch them grow into young adults. I am currenting seeing someone in regards to my fears but it doesn't seem to be helping any.  Any advise or encouraging words would greatly be appreciated.

momand2kids

Maryann

I am so sorry you had to go through this at your age with young children-I am a little older and my kids were 12 and 7 when it happened and I can totally relate to your feelings.  It was unimaginable to think that I might not be around.  In the beginning, as I was going through the lumpectomy, chemo and radiation, I was focused on that-- I think these questions start to arise in earnest as the treatment comes to an end, so know that it is normal.

Everyone is different, but the way I handle this is remembering back to the day I got my oncotype results and had to decide about chemo--I was in the gray area.  so with chemo, my risk of recurrence was calculated at something like 7 or 8% (see, I cannot even remember).  When I was lamenting this to a friend, he said "so, are you going to live in the 7% of the 93%?  That just straightened me right up--I decided to live in the 93%.

 Now these are just statistics--- but you need to remember that you have done everything available to you right now to insure that you don't have a recurrence.  I remember reading something on the stage 4 board a while back-one woman said she wished she had worried less about recurrence... People do recur, but lots of people don't.... plan to be one of those people.... 

I should also say that I had another biopsy this week--- my surgeon thought it was nothing, but she wanted it out.  She is pretty sure it is benign.  But, I had a chance to think about what would I do if it was a recurrence.  Because we are monitored so closely, I figured it would be a local recurrence and I would just do what I already knew how to do.  take it out, have it treated, move on.

Be kind to yourself, you are just now getting your head up after all of this and still have a surgery ahead of you.  these thoughts will subside and if they don't, you may want to think about talking to someone about it.     

There are full weeks in which I forget I even had breast cancer...... 

all the best

gutsy

I don't know how to live without fear right now. I have just finished chemo waiting to have a mastectomy. There have been so many waits and turns on this journey. It started out as small blimp in the road according to the Surgeon, well than it became a big bump. What is it going to be next. I was just thinking today that I don't trust my body anymore. I am going to see a counsellor in the new year because I get teary-eyed at the drop of a head. What helps me is being busy and getting involved in live. I sometimes want to scream at the top of my lungs to my husband, I have cancer and I am so scared. He seems oblivious to what I am going through. Thank you for the 93% statistic opposed to the 7% statistic. Well there is always tranquilizers

mdg

I am newly diagnosed and have a 4 year old.  I am just in the beginning stages of completing the initial tests and waiting for BLMX.  I am petrified.  At night it's the worst time for me.  Last night I had a complete meltdown - sobbing and sobbing.  My DH is there for me which helps, but it still feels so lonely because I am the only one with cancer.  I met with the social worker at the Cancer Institute and I plan on joining a support group and seeing a counselor.  I am also seeking spiritual guidance from my priest (I plan to call next week and meet with him). I keep asking my husband "how am I going to live the rest of my life in fear of it coming back?  Having cancer changes EVERYTHING.  I just want my life back".  I know it will be hard, but the only thing I keep telling myself is that with all the time I continue to spend worrying, I could be living a great life.  A quote I read last week was:

"Don't spend time worrying about how you are going to die, worry about how you are going to live today". 

I hope to find a way to really live that way at some point.  Right now I am in the throws of it all....calling dr's, getting tests and waiting for a very scary surgery.  I hope in time I can "move on" as you put it. For now, I stay busy.  At night I watch TV until I fall alseep in bed - night time laying in bed is my worst enemy.  When I drive in the car, I pray (I find comfort in that).  I make myself go to the gym as many days as possible as it is good for me physically and emotionally - even when I don't want to go, I force myself.   I am busy now with the holidays coming but I fear that when things calm down I will have more time on my hands. 

Just know you are not alone.  I hope you can find some peace.  Hang in there...it is hard!

mollymack

Maryann,

I received the news that I had breast cancer two years ago today, Christmas Eve, 2008. I was 41 at the time, and my kids were 14, 11, and 7. Initially, of course, I was shocked and frightened, but those emotions were quickly put aside as I began the odyssey of multiple doctor's appointments, all the surgeries, chemo,etc.  As many of you know, this keeps you quite busy, and fears of the future and recurrence take a back seat, temporarily, as you are more caught up with the issues at hand, i.e. surgical drains, stitches, wigs and nausea. Well, in my case, fast forward 5 months when all the surgeries and chemo were behind me......BRICK WALL. And I hit it hard. I started to reflect on what had happened to me, and it suddenly REALLY hit me, "Holy crap, I had cancer" ....and the fear set in. I was consumed with the worry of recurrence, and the possibility of not seeing my kids graduate form high school, college, etc.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. This went on for about 2 weeks, and I finally realized I needed to get help from a professional. I knew something was seriously wrong with me, emotionally, and I didn't want to be this way. I'm a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of girl, very even-keeled and easy-going. I wanted to move on, to go back to packing lunches, doing homework, chaffeuring the kids all over the place, food shopping, making dinner, going to work, etc.....all the usual, seemingly mundane things that I didn't appreciate before the cancer. But I couldn't do it on my own, I was paralyzed with the fear that the cancer would come back.

So, I sought help from an oncology counselor at the cancer center where I received treatment. Slowly, but surely, with her help and guidance, as well as my continued faith in God, I got back on track and my fears started to wane. I was told that many of us suffer quite a bit of trauma from all that we go through, and PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) sets in after treatment ends. It is common, and it is very, very scary. It is normal to feel the way you do, Maryann, worried about the cancer coming back, and wondering how the heck life will ever be the way it  was.....but I will tell you, with time, you will see the clouds lift, and the memories of all that you've gone through will become further and further from your thoughts. Every so often, those memories will come back, front and center (i.e. on the anniversary of your diagnosis or when you hear of someone you know being diagnosed, etc), but they won't consume you and you will see how easy it is to tuck them away and get back to what's most important....raising your kids and living your life. You'll realize and really start to believe that you will be OK, and life will go on.....that a day spent worrying is a precious day wasted.

So, Maryann.....things will get better, it takes time, but you will see. Please don't be afraid to get help from a professional if you need to, it really helped me get back to where I needed and wanted to be.....a mom (most importantly), a wife, a doctor (I am an M.D. with a busy practice that I worked very hard to build).

Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will move on from this!! God bless you. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

annettek

Thank you MOllyMack- I think it didn't take me five months- I am entering the HOLY CRAP stage my own self:) I will ask for a referral as while I have always been alittle crazy, I draw the line at bat sh*t.

Thanks to all of you....

lrr4993

LOL, annetek.  I have never been even a little crazy.  I am the most together person I know.  But this stuff will make you bat sh*t in a second.  So far I have gone from off the deep end starting with the suggestion of a biopsy (no diagnosis yet . . . but I still freaked out) through the prechemo PET scan.  Once I got the clear PET scan I started to settle down a bit and then got focused on getting thru chemo.  Now I am in a lull between chemo and rads (start in jan) and I am back to being scared that I am going to die.  Every bump, ache, etc. is certainly mets in my mind.  LOL.  My right boob (cancer was in the left) is so sore from my constantly poking and proding at it feeling for lumps.  I cannot wait for the next "strong" phase to hit.  Hopefully rads (start in jan) will get me refocused again.

Tabatha00

Mollymack I could have written your post myself.  I'm 1.5 years out from diagnosis and I hit my brick wall and man I hit it hard too!!!!!  Or did it hit me?  Yes, I think it literally jumped up and hit me hard!   lol    

I'm triple negative and I'm so sick of reading how horrible triple negative is.  Uhhh CANCER is negative no matter what kind of you have.  Sure, I'd rather NOT be triple negative but that's just not the case.  I'm coming up on my 6 month visit with my oncologist on Feb 1 and then my 1 year visit with my urologist who will do a CT scan and chest x-ray.   Oh how I don't want to do any of that!!!!

I pray I never have to do this cancer thing again.  I have no control tho.  I have NO control.   God does.  He knows when I started and He knows when I end.  That's easy for me to say NOW but on my bad days I'd smack somebody if they said that to me.  lol  

I pray.  It's important to know that these feelings are NORMAL.   I'm glad it's normal but it's still the pits when you're in the middle of it.  Take one day at a time.  If you are having a bad day today know that tomorrow is probably going to be better.  How is that for positive thinking?   lol

Tabatha