Tears and Fears

travelgal

Most of the time I do okay with this diagnosis and treatment.  Then...all of a sudden I will start crying.  This has happened 2 times in the past 2 weeks.  Totally out of character for me.

Sometimes I just feel so damn frustrated.  You can't turn off or walk away from BC.  Since I had blood clots (4 clots) shortly after my 1st AC I've been on anticoagulants (both pill and injections) and have to go see the onco even more to keep an eye on my INR (all I know is I am suppose to be between 2 and 3 with the INR).  This means I go to the ocno office 3 to 4 times a week.

I just turned 52 and have had a total hysterectomy with oophorectomy (ovaries out) when I was 36.  Since I don't have ovaries my onco says that I get in a higher risk (mets) category since I was diagnosed with BC years after my ovaries were removed. 

Life has changed for me so much since being diagnosed.  I hate having chemo.  It feels like torture.  Sometimes my emotions just well up with this.  I thought I would handle this all better than I am.  Normally I am this super positve person.

Venting...thanks for "listening"

sespebadger

Hi Travelgal,

I did AC also, and also Taxol, and am here to say that you will get through it. I hated going to chemo (about 6 mos.), and I would come home and get sick, and I would hate that I felt badly for weeks and then months. But I learned on these boards that you don't have to be brave, you just have to show up. I also took good snacks to eat and either music or even a portable DVD player. I needed the entertainment. I also called various friends to drive me to and from treatments. They wanted to help and I enjoyed seeing them. There is no way out of these treatments, IMO, so you have to make the best of them.

I also found that each new step of the cancer treatment was scary. The unknown is scary. And I am also usually a very "up" person. Cancer is scary. I can't imagine anyone not feeling that once they are diagnosed. I did find that my fears were often bigger than the reality, although I would never underestimate the toughness of treatment. I learned as I went through that many things can happen. But I also learned that some parts of treatment weren't as bad as I had feared.

I also got very tired of all the doctor visits and treatment appointments (what with 16 chemo sessions, 4 surgeries and 33 rad. treatments). But, I finally made it, and I am now really enjoying planning my days without appointments. 

And I'm sure we all wonder whether after treatment the cancer will come back. I'm 50 and Stage 3a and I think about that many times at night as I am trying to go to sleep. I try to enjoy my days however. What else can we do??

So, I pronounce you perfectly normal for having the feelings you are having :-) 

Hang in there!

 

   

nowords

Everything that you are feeling including the crying is normal. I have had my ups and downs since diagnosis, but about 5 months out was the worst of it for me...it was all sinking in and it was very consuming-at this stage there is the cumulative effects of the treatment as well as the cumulative effect of wrapping your head around your reality. I had these awful crying episodes, often at the Docs, and I really felt like I had no control over my tearful spurts.

Here I am 19 months out, considering reconstruction and planning Thanksgiving Dinner for my family, looking forward to decorating for the Holidays and am more anxious about paying for two college tuitions than I am about cancer! It passes ... your life comes back ...... you adjust....vent often until you no longer need to. Go inward if you need to, avoid discussing it...that is helpful sometimes too. I never liked the "new normal" phrase...I think that we do not get over much that is traumatic, but we get through it...and that gives us the strength to go forward.

 Peace to you.

dlb823

Pat, I so clearly remember a time right after chemo when my legs were so weak I could barely climb a flight of stairs. I  felt like bc & chemo had instantly propelled me into old age, and I honestly feared I might never be strong and healthy again.  And there were plenty of times along the way when I would be overwhelmed with fear and sadness and just need to cry, because I was so scared. 

One of the things that got me through those days was a quote a bc-survivor friend had sent me shortly after I was dx'd.  It said, "Courage doesn't always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"  (Maryanne Hershey)  And I would read that and realize that I didn't have to feel courageous or strong; I just had to keep going.  And eventually, it does get better, and your old life (or pretty close to it) returns.  You're in an especially rough place right now because chemo has been so difficult for you.  But you will get through it, and you will get your life back.   It just takes time.      (((Hugs)))   Deanna