Trying to understand Girl Friends side

shiramg

My gf has been really great taking care of me - beyond great.  Shes taken days off work, cooks for e, cleans, keeps track of my meds, and NEVER COMPLAINS.

 I know at some point she would break down.  I just didn't anticipate it being last night after i just started my 3rd round of TC and then had to go the ER for rib pain.

I may have been a little short tempered with her and then got upset because she was being very passive in the ER.  For example, I really wanted a snack and she said she couldn't find the nurse, but when I walked up to the nursing station I got food right away.  Also once they told me my tests were ok, we were waiting forever to get discharged.  Again she said she couldn't find my nurse.  I then marched out into the hall and found a random nurse and said "i really should not be in an ER since i'm going through chemo.  i've been waiting for the discharge papers.  please send someone in to speed up the process."  Right away, my doctor came in and I could leave.

 so perhaps her passiveness annoyed me, with the combination of all the steroids i was on, i may have been short tempered.

but then she screamed at me and stormed off and got a hotel room, leaving me all alone on day 2 od my chemo cycle.

i don't know what to do.  i know this is tough for her and i am always asking if she'll come to therapy with me and she is so closed minded about that.  i want her to know that i understand this is tough for her too.  at the same time, i feel so crappy and cannot handle any more emotional distress.

help...

NatureGrrl

I'm really sorry she walked out on you. I would have felt so abandoned. Maybe the time apart will help her calm down. Maybe once things have calmed down you can just talk to her from your heart, explain how much her caring means to you. Although it was hard for me to dig deep and admit my fears, feeling alone, etc., when I did so it helped people understand what I was going through, and it helped us grow closer. You may have done all these things already -- but in case you haven't, just trying to share what worked for me.  I hate feeling dependent on someone but going through cancer is a time when I really needed to lean on someone.  I had mixed feelings about it -- gratitude for help, but I also felt like I was "weak" for needing help.  Not true, of course, but that was how I felt. Therapy was critical for me -- I'm glad you're seeing someone.  Cancer was an overwhelming thing for me to deal with on every possible level.  Do take good and gentle care of yourself. 

On the flip side, several years ago I was primary caregiver for a dear close friend with terminal cancer -- not the same as a gf, I know -- but I know firsthand what a blessing it is to be able to do that for someone you love, how good it feels to help, and how stressful it is.  It was both the most wonderful experience of my life, and the hardest. 

Would your gf consider going to therapy without you?  That would give her a safe place to vent.  She also needs to remember to take care of herself -- that may mean taking time away from you, doing whatever gives her joy and peace -- and also just plain taking care of herself, sleeping and eating right, exercise, etc.

And maybe getting some friends to pitch in -- whatever would help both of you most -- meals, doing some shopping, cleaning, whatever you would find helpful -- would take some stress off both of you.

I hope there's at least an iota of help somewhere in this.  I feel for both of you.  Best of luck and a warm hug.

JustJean

Having been on the caregiving end with my mother, who passed away about six years ago, and now on the receiving end (lordy I hate asking for help!) from my girlfriend and my sister and other people, I can see both your side and her side.

One of the things that caregivers often do is neglect their own needs. They (and I include myself in this) sometimes feel like they MUST do so (neglect their own needs) in order to meet the needs of their loved one. It seems almost selfish to go out and meet a friend for coffee or go fishing or "whatever" when they feel like they should be taking care of the person that they are, well, taking care of. But they really do need to realize that unless they take care of themselves that they cannot, long term, take care of someone else in the manner that they would like to do. Caregiver burnout is very likely to happen in a person who does not take good care of themselves. I could be wrong, of course, but from reading what you wrote, it seems to me that she could very well be in the midst of burning out. You say she's been extremely supportive, taking days off work and cooking and cleaning and doing the meds and never complaining. Bless her heart, she's really a treasure in your life and I'm glad that you let her know that. So many women have significant others who are nowhere near as supportive. It sounds like she's been keeping everything inside, going overboard to do what she can to help you through this, but you can only do that for so long before you sort of crash. Or explode. You get the drift.

You say she won't go to therapy. Does she enjoy being on the computer? There is a group  for LGBT caregivers that she can subscribe to, she can post to it if she cares to, or just read. It's not a highly active group but when someone is in crisis there is usually an outpouring of support. You can go  to http://www.caregiver.org/ and look for the LGBT mailing list to sign up. Maybe you can ask some friends to get her to go out on a regular basis?  Or get her to take herself out, to a movie or whatever she might enjoy (movies are good for taking your mind off things).

I hope you can urge her to do some things just for herself. And I hope you can do some things to help lighten your own emotional load a bit. I know you feel bad, chemo really zaps everything out of you, but fortunately there are things you can do that don't require a lot of energy. Watch a sunset. Crochet a potholder. Learn to zentangle (basically organized doodling, go to http://www.zentangle.com/ to see what it is - I am loving it). Create a blog. It really doesn't matter what you do as long as it is a positive thing for YOU. My favorite during my chemo was to watch YouTube videos of cute kittens and other things that might make me laugh. Some days that was really hard to do.  Here's a good one of this guy deliberately putting himself through his hay baling machine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBWfBqRDbrM - I know it doesn't sound like something funny, but watch and you will see. And then there's that oh-so-cute kitten at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8 that has been watched over 35 million times (lots of those views were me!). Like horses? This mare was amazing in this performance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKQgTiqhPbw from 2006. More of a dog person? Look at this amazing video of Rookie http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqbVbPvlDoM and you will be in awe of the relationship between this woman and her dog.

Ack, now I'm getting carried away. Sorry...

I hope that things get better for you and your relationship with your girlfriend. Please let us know how things are doing.

JJ

p.s. I hope this makes sense. I have trouble nowadays writing things and they just don't always make sense.

shiramg

thanks for the supportive responses.  my mom actually came into the city so i have some more caregivers.  my gf came over today on her lunchbreak and brought me flowers (i guess as an apology) even though i feel like i am the one to apologize.  i think she has been so overly supportive that perhaps i take advantage of it - does that make sense? for example, i now expect certain things that i probably should not, and then i get frustrated.  i sound horrible right now.

she is def NOT into lgbt or caregiver online support groups (i have suggested).  how can i show her that i know this is tough for her as well.  this is not what a typical 25 yr old goes through.  its had enough that we just started to feel comfortable with our sexuality, but now cancer?  i guess i'm really venting right now.  this is tough stuff to go through.  i'm not totally out to everyone, and i hate when people ask is i have a boyfriend who can help.

JustJean

Well, I am glad to hear that you are talking again. Hope you can maintain some open and honest communication, it's so important in a relationship. I'm sure she feels bad for exploding on you and that it doesn't fit her idea of what her caregiver role should be, and can also understand why you think it's you who should be apologizing. And no, you don't sound horrible at all. You sound to me like someone who shouldn't have to be going through all this at such a young age, and someone who is leaning into the love and support of a special woman in her life.

I hope the two of you can find some balance in all of this.

JJ