Struggling - need help please

shadylady1

Hello everyone!  I finished up chemo (TCx6) 3 weeks ago and started radiation today.  Although I have lost several friends to BC as well as currently having a friend who is living with Stage IV BC, I have tried to remain as positive as I can as often as I can since my diagnosis.  Today after receiving my first rads treatment, I overheard my radiologist discussing a BC patient who was just admitted to the hospital after experiencing dizziness and headaches and was found to have mets to her brain.  She is only 42 years old.  Now I overheard this while in the changing room.  I almost started crying and I said a prayer for this person.  I struggled at times in the Onc's waiting room seeing all of these people who are fighting various forms of cancer.  I am so glad to have that behind me because it took everything I had not to cry each time as I looked at these beautiful people and knowing the impact this disease has had on their lives and those that love them. I was with my mother when she died of lung cancer at my age (43) after only 8 months after her diagnosis.  I know what this does to families.  I have lived it.  I am so ready to be done with this and try to move on with my life but I feel like every time I turn around, I am reminded of cancer.  Whether it is on t.v. or affecting those I love or just sitting in the onc's waiting room or in the treatment centers.  Does it ever get better?  I am finding it hard to move forward.  I am taking Effexor and I am generally not unhappy.  I guess I just hate this disease and what it does to some amazing, lovely people.  I know I will live the rest of my life afraid that it will come back and kill me.  I don't want to waste time worrying but I just don't know how to get on with my life.  I have never been so scared.  I love this site because I do see people who are long time survivors but I also know and respect the fact that there are women here that are Stage IV and it breaks my heart that they are even having to deal with this.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?  I could greatly use them!!  Thank you!

chrissyb

Hi Shadylady,  I'm one of the satge IV ladies to whom you refer, but I am at peace with that fact.  I was Dx'd in 2003 and then 2009 with mets.  The time between dx's was a time for me to learn to accept that I had BC with all that that dx brings and that there was always a possibility for it to come back.  It is a fear that we learn to put to the back of our mind and take in and appreciate all the beauty that surrounds us, enjoy those who are our most beloved and to make memories for them.  I don't know when I am going to die and I don't know that BC is the thing that will eventually take my life and neither does anyone else, I may just die of old age, so in the mean time, I live my life the best way I know how each and every day and I''m happy.

Peace, strength, love n hugs to you.  chrissyb

ruthbru

Right now just concentrate getting through the rest of your treatment. Don't go on the sad or 'having a rough time with treatment' sites (try the humor forum!), don't listen to 'cancer' news reports, read sad 'cancer' articles, listen to sad 'cancer' stories etc. ( I did chemo & rads too and had to stay off BCO even as I'd gravitate to the very sad or negative threads). Do as many normal and fun things as you can, when you have other things happening you can't focus solely on the cancer stuff. Also I found that exercise helped ALOT with both the physical and emotional healing. Once you get past this part; if you can help others from your experience, and if you end up with an even deeper appreciation and enjoyment of all the good things in life....then with time you do come to terms/have some peace with the whole experience (most but not all of the time). Hang in there! Ruth 

shadylady1

Chrissyb,

Thank you for your response.  I guess I need to really work on finding peace with all of this.  I so badly want to find it!  I have said throughout this experience that there are no guarantees in life and that there are so many other things that can kill me before BC does but for some reason hearing about another person being diagnosed at Stage IV made today really difficult.  You give me hope that I will find happiness!  Although it has been almost 24 years since I lost my Mom, I think that this diagnosis has brought all of that back up to the surface.  I am so glad to know you are happy and doing well.  Thank you for the pep talk!  I really needed it and you have given me hope!   Emily

shadylady1

Ruth - it's as if you know what I am doing on a daily basis!!  I do need to step away from the internet!  I am heading back to work next week and I am hoping that getting back into my routine will keep my mind off of things!  I am so looking forward to getting some energy back so that I can hit the gym.  I am still short of breath when I walk long distances and my leg muscles are still sore but hopefully that will resolve soon!  I know exercise is supposed to help with the fatigue but I am just not there yet...  Thank you for your guidance and have a wonderful evening!

dlb823

shadylady, your post really brought back memories of what it felt like when I was going through rads, and I have to tell you that now, almost two years later, that seems like it was a different lifetime.  And when RT ended, I think everyone just expected things to get back to normal (or as close to our previous normal as possible), and it doesn't happen quite that way either because what we've been through has been so traumatic (whether we realized it at the time or not), so recovering is much more of a process than anyone ever tells us.  But eventually you will find yourself thinking less and less about bc, although I do think the experience becomes a part of us.  But if we let it, I honestly think it can change us for the better -- whether that's being more compassionate because of what we've seen, or more easy going because we no longer sweat a lot of the small stuff, or whether we're just more aware of life's simple pleasures because we've learned that tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

What you're feeling now is so normal, and yes, it absolutely gets better over time!  (((Hugs)))   Deanna

ruthbru

Shady, if you want some support and/or a kick in the butt in the exercise department, check out the 'Lets Post Our Daily Exercise' thread. Great group of ladies in all stages of treatment & post treatment too.

Going back to work will definitly help. You will have days when you are so busy and involved in the moment that it will be 5:00 (or whenever) and you will be suprised, almost shocked, that you haven't thought about 'cancer' all day!!!!!