Oh get ready for a pathetic post...

mamaof3bugs

Repost from my blog...

I am scared.  It is very hard for me to admit that but it is true.  I have nine treatments left, yes I am almost done with radiation.  My boob looks like a glowing orb and is twice the size it should be, I have blisters and I am exhausted but I have tolerated treatment well.  You would think that I would be thrilled about not having to drive to Seattle everyday but I am not.  I am scared.  After next Friday I will no longer be activly fighting, I know that I no longer have cancer but I am still fighting this disease.  I will be fighting it for the rest of my life.  The ball is now in my court, I have to start working out 45 minutes a day 6-7 days a week, eat a low-fat, low sugar diet and keep up on my mammograms and doctor appointments and pray to God that is enough.  In the past month alone two women, two amazing women, that I know have lost their lives to this fucking disease!  Their attitudes were fabulous, upbeat and never say die and yet they did just that, die.  Sadly, there is a study that proves that your attitude has NOTHING to do with survival.  I am so sick of hearing that I have the right attitude and everything is going to be okay.  I know that the percentages are in my favor (77/23) but that is not a guarantee.  I do understand that people don't unerstand and are not sure what to say.  I know that people look at me and think "thank goodness it's her and not me," and I too thank God that it is me and not you, I would not wish this disease on my worst enemy.  I also understand that people want to move on, afterall I have had my surgeries, my chemo, my other surgeries and my radiation and now I am "cured."  But I'm not, neither emotionally or physically.  Now I have to carry on with my battlescared body and the emotional mess I call my life.  I put on a happy face and smile, telling everyone I am surviving and fellling great...what a joke, I am not surviving, I feeling like I am dying inside.  I don't know how to move on.  I don't know how to live without being scared OF death.  Again I know that this is all part of the healing process and that eventually I won't feel so overwhelmed but for right now I am a mess.  As you can see I am having a bad, feel sorry for myself kinda night.  Tomorrow I will wake up and feel better but for right now I am not the toughest girl I know but I will be soon.  Sorry for the pity party, I just needed to let it all out and lucky for the hubby, he isn't home to cry to.  I am sorry for the pathetic post, I am not looking for sympathy I just needed to vent.   Thanks for listening and please don't feel sorry for me, that is NOT why I wrote this. 

Angi

mcbird

Venting is what these boards are here for.  Darla

chrissyb

Hi Angi, loved your rant, don't laugh or be surprised, I truly loved your rant as it reminded me of ....ME.  I felt exactly as you do, I had all the same fears and I can tell you, so do every other woman who has been DX'd with BC.  It seems that the time line of diagnosis and treatment is so long and yet so short and we are so busy going to appointments and going for scans and going for treatments of one sort or another then all of a sudden, it's no longer there.  All the treatments are finished and the only docs appointment is your check up due in a few months, what are you supposed to do?  With every twinge, every ache, every sore spot you wonder if IT has come back.  Oh boy!  Been there, done that.  It takes time and acceptance that you can do no more unless or until IT comes back. You do need to actively not allow yourself to dwell on things that you cannot change but accept them and when you have gotten over the anger of getting BC in the first place, that's what you will do.  With this total acceptance comes your peace and the ability to live your life to the fullest and enjoy every minute of every day.  Glory in the beauty that surrounds us and revel in the love that is given us by the people who mean the most.  I hope you find your peace soon.

Peace, strength, love n hugs.   chrissyb

hereandnow

I'm scared too Angie. It's a legitimate emotion. I could not be as eloquent as ChrissyB above, but also, peace, strength, love and hugs to you my March sister.

Lisa xx

mumito

Angi we all feel like this at sometime durring our ordeal.But life does go on.Feel free to vent or even cry as much as you need to.We are all here for you and we understand how you feel.

Anonymous

I feel the same way you do. I have talked to two different counselors and I'm taking antidepressants. go to two different support groups.  I'm angry. I'm scared. And I feel alone. I'm numb. I wish I could have a gut wrenching cry, but cannot. I have learned that all thses feelings are part of the greiving process. I am looking for patience and peace. As these sisters say, "it comes in time." These women give the best cyber hugs and they truly care. I come here to find comfort.

mamaof3bugs

I am feeling much better tonight.  Thank you to everyone for your kind responses, it is nice to know that I am not the only one feeling this way.  God bless you all!!  Angi