How to Tell Very Young Children....

mje123

I am getting ready to start AC x 4 in a week. I have 3 young children ages 5, 4, and 17 months.   So far they have not really questioned any changes in our lives related to the surgery as I have had bilateral mastectomy on 9/20/10 and had a quick uneventful recovery getting back into everyday regular life rather quickly.  I am obviously not expecting the same regarding the upcoming chemo with potential SE and changes in physical appearance with hair loss.

I was wondering how everyone who has very young children similiar in age to mine decided was the best way to either tell them what was happening or those that decided to not do so in great detail.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

mtndawn

From my experience, very young children seem to just roll with it.  We told the children I had something bad growing in me, and I had to take medicine to make it go away.  The medicine would make me tired and crabby, and my hair would fall out.  They asked how crabby I would get.  My 9 year old asked if it could kill me.  That was when I told him it was cancer.  He was very upset, but I told him I have great doctors and really good medicine to make it go away.  My then 3, now 4 year-old didn't really understand.  He's just been very affectionate and sweet, now commenting on how nice it is that my hair is coming back.  My six year old didn't comment much, but at one point in time, he brought up "when the breast cancer is done", so I know he gets it more than I thought.  My nine year old is the only one who really understands what is going on.  Good luck.  No little one should have to have this conversation, and no mother of a little one should have to conduct it.

mje123

mtndawn,

Thanks very much for your thoughts

poptart

My daughter was not quite 3.5 when I was diagnosed.  My husband and I pretty much decided not to tell her much.  I recovered quickly from surgery, so there wasn't much to explain there.  I had 4AC+4T dd for node negative stage 1 triple negative.  I told her I shaved my hair because I was hot, since it was summer and people do do this in the summer.  I had very few side effects from chemo so it was easy to not have to talk with her about it.  On the very few occasions that I took a nap, I told her I took medicine that made me tired.  After I completed chemo, my husband and I asked our daughter's pediatrician about having not told her much.  Her pediatrician basically said she (my daughter) probably did not want to know any more than she was told (almost nothing) and that the less the better at the age she was at.  I did my chemo on a day of the week she was at daycare, so she never really saw me going to any appointments.  My husband doesn't drive so I just picked her up afterwards as usual.  

I have since gone on to have a second mastectomy prophylactic) and delayed reconstruction.  I did now tell my daughter that I was getting new boobies, but left it at that.

My goal was to keep things as normal as possible. 

mje123

poptart,

 Thank you very much for sharing.  That was very insightful.  I am going back and forth right now on how much my 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son need to know.   

Twinmom77

I know how heartbreaking it is to think about your kids in all this.  They shouldn't have to go through this too.  That being said, they are resilient little buggers!  I think it all depends on how perceptive your kids are. My twins were 3 when I was diagnosed.  Since I was a stay-at-home-mom, I knew they would notice a lot of different things going on.  Mine are the type that pick up on subtle changes and act out if they're not kept in the loop, lol!  I kept it simple but I did tell them pretty much everything in a way they could understand.  Kids get really crazy ideas sometimes if you don't let them know what's going on...like "Maybe mommy's hair is gone because I was bad" or "Did I do something to make mommy sick?".  It seems absurd to us, but at that age they are still thinking the world revolves around them so it makes sense to them.

I just told my kids that mommy had an ouchie and that I was going to be going to the doctor A LOT!  The doctor would give me medicine to make the ouchie go away, but that medicine would make me tired and make my hair fall out.  I held all my hair back and made a funny face at them to make them laugh.  I let them know that lots of family - grandmas, grandpas, and aunts - would be keeping them safe at their houses when mommy felt tired or sick.  They loved "camping out" at family's house so this worked out really well.  We tried to stick to a routine as much as possible and during my "good weeks" we'd try to do lots of fun stuff.  After I'd get home from chemo, they'd ask if my ouchie was gone, which was heartbreaking in one sense, but gave me the gumption to keep on keepin' on for them.  They had no issues with my hair.  They watched as mommy got a special "hair cut" and laughed at my bald head.

It's a tough decision and it's going to vary from family to family and kid to kid.  Usually, the hospital has social workers available at no cost to patients so you might want to check in with one and discuss options for telling your little ones.  Ultimately though, you know your kids best and what will work best for your family so go with your gut.  Good luck to you, I know it's not easy with little ones.  Hugs!

mje123

Twinmom77,

Thanks so much for the input and your thoughts 

Claire82

Just an added thought-

I didn't have small children but I did have an 18 month old granddaughter. She was the light that got me through the toughest times. So, yes, it is a shame that such young ones need to deal with this, but it made my bond with her all the stronger.

lassie11

My daughter and I discussed what to tell my then 4 year old grandson as they live just one street away and we see each other most days. We decided to tell him that I had a bad boo boo in my boob. I had to go to the doctor to get the boo boo taken out and then I had to have some medicine to keep the boo boo from coming back. We told him that the medicine had some "silly side effects" and let him know what he needed to know about those - like the hair loss and fatigue. Like most children, he took it all in stride - and was the delight of my days.

mje123

Thanks for the great feedback.  It seems that if it were not for the SE of hair loss that the other SE would not raise significant awareness or alarm from a 4 and 5 year old aside from me having increased fatigue, tiredness, potential nausea.  I have to say that I am struggling with this issue more than anything as I approach a start to chemo (AC X4) in one week.  I am torn between shielding my young children from this vs. telling them more than they need to know at such a young age 

jdootoo

A friend sent a book to me called "Tickles Tabitha's Cancer-Tankerous Mommy" by Amelia Frahm, ISBN 0-9705752-0-3. My 4-year-old and even my 8-year-old love this book!

Best wishes to you and your kids...

One love, Jackie 

mje123

Thanks very much for the recommendation.  Will check it out.  Best to you

janicemarie3

I have 9 and 6 year old daughters and a 2 year old boy my daughters understood but had a lot of questions.  I told the that I had bad cell in my body and I needed to take medicine to get rid of the bad cells.  I told them that the medicine would make my hair fall out but it would grow back after I was done with the medicine.  It was so cute after my hair fell out our 2 year old would come up to me and rub my head and say mommas pretty's it was so cute.  Children can adapt very well to things.  I just try to keep things as normal as possible.   Hope everything goes smoothly for you.

lexyloohoo

Glad to see your question recently diagnosed last week and have an 8 year old.  Great suggestions.  Glad I found this website. 

mje123

Thanks for all your input/suggestions and experiences.  I have to say that this is one of the more difficult issues to face - with young children and how much they should or need to know

dollymolly

Hi 

I have two boys, 9 and 7.  We told them once the dx was confirmed.  The best advice we had was to tell them early in the day so they have the opportunity to ask any questions they wanted. So that they are not going to sleep and be on their own.  We told them it was breast cancer.  They knew about Terry Fox who had died of cancer and they wanted to know if I was going to die.  We told them we hoped not - explained some of the treatment and how it would kill the cancer cells. Explained that you couldn't catch cancer etc.  Weeks later my 7 year old wanted me to promise I was going to be alright forever.  We made the decision not to lie to them or make promises we couldn't keep.  So we have worked through issues as they arose.  Kids are amazingly tough and they understand.  Go at their pace though - we had a few conversations before we got through everything.  I decided to shave my head just before the 2nd chemo - a friend came over to do it.  The plan was the boys could watch etc but Star Wars the movie was on - they came to check out what was happening, had a laugh - as we all did and went off to eat popcorn.  Good luck.