Who am I now and how do I date?

skmarm

I am in such a strange place and could really use some advice.  I was diagnosed 12/24/09, had a lumpectomy, grueling chemo, rads and continue on Herceptin.  I have been single for 17 years and have had several long term relationships, but have also had some times when I was busy raising kids, taking care of ill mom and working hard - times with no men in my life.

I dated via Match for about a year and a half before my diagnosis and through Match had a 7 month relationship with a lovely man.  He ended up not being "the one", but it was a good experience.

 So now I feel that I want to date again.  I used my same profile and my same pics, but added that I now have shorter hair.  Have been out on several dates - in each case we exchanged great emails, had great telephone conversations, went out on a date and "plunk"...the date went nowhere.  I felt it and he felt it.  This has rarely happened with me before.  I have been very fortunate, but in the past, there were very few times when a guy didn't want another date with me.  And now, I've been out with 5 different guys and none called back. 

I have to believe it is me, not them.  I look at my profile and realize that I am not the same person that I was before cancer.  I am beginning to get my joy back, but not my "mojo".  I don't feel defined by cancer, but I do feel aged by cancer.  I don't feel disfigured by my surgery (hardly noticeable), but I don't feel as attractive and I'm guessing that it shows. 

So maybe I should come off of Match and give it some more time?  Rewrite the profile?  I don't want to put my cancer business out there, so how do you rewrite a profile to say "life has been hard, I've been robbed of my joy for a while, I'm not up to the usual flirting and damn it, short hair is sexy..."? 

I didn't go through chemo and surgery and rads to stop living...I want love in my life, I want companionship and I want the attention and affection of a man...am I asking too much?  Help me think this through, please.  I just need to know how to think about this.  Kelly

lago

I'm not single but I do remember dating. It's hard to find the right "match". We all change even those who have not gone through the BC path. That's life. This is who you are now nothing to appologize about. Even if you didn't have BC in one year you would have changed anyway.

Keep dating and meeting frogs… just don't kiss them. Eventually you'll find your prince. It's not easy and it's not you. There is a lot of crap out there. It's like finding a bra. Lots of pretty ones out there but only a few styles actually work for you.

Fearless_One

Oh, honey, Match.com is a snake pit under all circumstances....it really is just hard to meet someone you click with on so many levels.    I have not dated since my diagnosis, but I remember how hard it was even before the BC, doing on-line dating.   That's why I can tell you it's not you or the BC.  

Try Prescriptionforlove.com - for people with health issues - only problem is a small number of members.     Personally, I like Eharmony.

changes

skmarm,

I have not dated at all since my diagnosis (well to be honest, not for some time before it, either!) I would love to have a relationship, but not really sure I'm ready to put myself out there. I have not even begun to figure out how to handle the "when do I mention I've had cancer" thing. I'm impressed you've been on Match and trying.

Fearless_One

I feel as Karen does.  

hymil

Feel for you SKMarm, and impressed by your courage, you are one brave lady! It's no life when the man most often in your diary is an oncologist....  i checked my diary: after work, the biggest time committment for me in last year has been dealing with ageing mum, then my own doctors and hospitals. Boyfriends? Ha - too darn tired, I had to leave that to the younger generation. Maybe you gave me fresh inspiration to go a-frog-hunting again! Hoping you find the love you deserve.

Jaybird627

Kelly, I hear you about the "mojo" thing. I have had issues with this since chemopause 5 years ago. I CAN get interested in being physical but for me now I need a lot of visual stimulation whereas I never really did before. I used to be one hornyallthetime chick and now it's the last thing on my mind.

I recently met a nice guy. Went out on 2 dates, the 2nd being just hanging out at his house. He's attractive and has a HOT body (really hot, totally in-shape) and when he kissed me I felt nothing. Haven't seen him since. Could just be a lack of chemistry. It happens.

We all change somewhat with a cancer dx then we have to figure out how to deal with the 'new' us. Kelly, keep dating and you'll figure it out. Maybe you're just pickier now? I know I am! I haven't used Match but I have used POF and another, adult, site. I have the best success with the adult site for some odd reason! I have had no luck really with Chemistry or eHarmony.

Check out the "mojo" forum, if you haven't already, for mojo tips!

Janis

skmarm

Thank you, guys, for your kind responses.  I'm not so sure how brave I am really...but after you have stared down the chemo nurse plunging that bright red Adriamycin into your I.V., getting up the nerve to date is a piece of cake!  In fact, since I'm on Herceptin and have been going to chemo for so long, I've gotten quite friendly with all the chemo room "regulars" and they keep wanting to fix me up with their sons or nephews or neighbor's sons...now isn't that a hoot?  Talk about putting the big C out there!

Hadley, go to the party.  You are young and its Halloween and for one night you can dress up and its perfectly okay - even required - that you pretend to be somebody else...somebody who hasn't had to deal with this monster for the past year...go, enjoy, find a seat if you start getting tired and let him bring you drinks and food and wait on you in the manner you deserve!  It will be his pleasure and trust me, he won't be thinking about your nipples...he will be enjoying your laughter and your smile.  Get out there girl!!!

Fearless_One

Hadley, go to the party.   I personally would not mention the Big C in the early dating stages.   But it's up to you.

Meggy

Kelly, I'm a dating professional....4 years on match.com...finally led to my husband.  I would not put anything about hard times on the profile.  I don't think it will work.  Maybe step back a little while and get yourself feeling better inside.  It's amazing how much better you feel once your hair grows out some. I wouldn't use an old photo...that may be the problem.  If you are going to do match, I'd put up a new one....showing you at your current best.  It is so hard trying to seem lighthearted after all this.  I was just newly engaged to my match.com fiance when I got diagnosed.  Thank goodness he's still here.

He actually was also a cancer survivor and did not tell me about his own cancer till about the 5 month point.  He waited till I was emotionally invested before he told me.  

When I was dating on match, I had a joy robbing situtation in my life and learned not to go into it too soon....it was a scary x-husband.  Whenever I'd tell someone about all my sadness and stress, they'd bail.  I learned to... well....be sort of fake early on and show the real situtation later.  Maybe that sounds like bad advice but it was all that worked for me.  

You must be darn cute that men almost always asked for a 2nd date.  There is so much rejection out there.  There was a book that really helped me to riel the men in called "the Rules."  It is the Bible of dating.  It really is true what they write.  Men are funny....they need easy breasy in the beginning...my match.com hubby really had to sort of chase me (still pisses me off to think back) but I played by the rules and later he has stayed with me through double mastectomy, 14 rounds of chemo, etc.  That book is gold.  There is a new one (same author) relating to on-line dating but really read the original simiply "the rules."  It's all you need.  

Plus, I sort of believe in the line fake it till you make it.  Pretend you are the sexiest woman alive and you will appear to be the sexiest woman alive.  

Also, if match just doesnt work for now....maybe there are other dating thingies in your area.  In my area they have "Events and Adventures" where they organize group things hoping people will hit it off. 

Also...what about going to church or whatever your religious background and checking out the single guys.

Also try to think sexy thoughts....take a double take when a cute young guy passes...to get the mojo back.  You also deserve some new undergarmets, clothes, haircolor if you can afford it.  Too bad I'm so broke.  

I hope this helps sister....I so understand what you are going through.

Meg

hymil

The better you costume, the less it will matter what you have or haven't got underneath - go out and enjoy! You are so much more than just your chest with its scars. Would it work to put two balloons up your jumper, over-do the tarty makeup and high heels, and pretend to be a guy in drag? Sort of caricature our worst fear...??  Isn't it one feature of hallowe'en that we make fun of nasty things instead of being scared of them? (edit: I mean about the flat chest, not crossdressers. One of my colleagues crossdresses at the weekend, Hey why not, I spend my life in trousers and baggy sweaters and that was before the mastectomy...) it's the one night you could get away with it, and might make for some interesting conversations.... and some very interesting new friends

Fearless_One

Meggy,

I read The Rules, too, and agreed with all of them.   They may sound old-fashioned and even a bit unfair (making men do all the work, lol!) - but they work.   Whenever I deviate from them (i.e. start calling, etc), the man starts to lose interest.

cancersuks

Meggy and Fearless,  I read the rules too and use to post to their site until a couple of years ago, could no longer access.  I met so many wise women there and miss it so much.  I saved so many posts from Lili and others, I reread them just for inspiration. 

Fearless_One

Yeah, don't return their calls they will only start to call more.   The Rules sound so awful and rude, but they work.

sam52

That book sounds intriguing....who is the author?

cancersuks

Sam, The authors are Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.  The original book came out in the '90's, it's a paperback and is a quick read.  At one time, the author's were doing phone consultations as well. 

Fearless_One

I think they had also come out with a RulesBook for on-line dating....I haven't read that one yet.

sam52

Thanks for the replies.....

Sam

Hopefloats41725

Hadley - You're father is sick and it is good that you are going to Al anon to understand he sees only his own needs.  I am sorry that you or anyone else doesn't have his support.  It is best that you stay away from him and all the so called friends throughout your treatments and your recovery.  It can be lonely, but just think of the end results, as we all have to do.  We have enough stress and don't need other people's either.  I am not selfish, it is just our time to take care of ourselves.  Your one possible ex friend whom has been diagnoised with cancer, is still traumatized herself.  Just let her go through what she has to go through, it is possible that she will eventually contact you when she is ready to share.  New friends are inviting to all of us, it is great medicine.  It sounds like you got the boot, with your ex bo as many of us have.  But is it really the boot?  I say, men just don't know how to act, when it comes to the big "C", whether it is their mother, brother, sister or their friend.  They act once, we react and maybe we overreact, but the damage is done on both sides.  Only God willing, that the ones that are to be for us, will hang in there for us.  If it is truly for our last ex's to be the one, then God will mend our broken hearts, in his perfect timing.  We all need to read Meggy's suggested book, if not to use at least for our own amusement, see above.  As far as Jesus, you are right he preached  to everyone, but he did pay tithes as he taught the disciples to do also.  Our debts have to come first, not to create them first, but if we have...then pay first.  Get them out of the way and then pay what you can, until we can pay his share first. I hope and pray that you get another job, I am sure this makes you feel bottomless without hope.  But keep the faith and put a smile on your face, focus and go.  I don't know about you, but I work third shift and it has enabled me to do my chemo treatments during the days, it doesn't interfer with my job, except when I might need surgery time off.  You might try the ten hour shifts and take Friday's off, in order to have a three day weekend for recovery from your surgeries. I agree with Meggy also, our joy feels robbed, but we aren't going to stay in the valley forever, again stay focused!  Make a bridge over your tears and get over it, the grass is still going to turn green for us.  I just had my last surgery (4).  I have had two unnecessary ones, the first one was when the doctor ran my tubing from the full masectomy and it infected both breast, backing up with the fluid.  The second unessessry one was when the cosmetic's physician assistant  cut my right nipple off that he had made me, during recovery.  We may think that God isn't there, but the surgeon took that time (during the nipple revision) and redid the left breast building it up (from it looking like ruffles has ridges) to a beautiful plump look, then he built up the right breast proportionately to match.  Now both of my breast that were removed, look more natural than ever.  I get my tattoo's in a few more weeks.  So it has been a rough horrible year (8 chemo's as well), but this next coming year, we will be blessed in patience and understanding the needs of others even more.  God bless you and hang in there, we are conquerors and God is with us. 

Fearless_One

Hadly, I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of this in such a toxic environment.   I hope that you can cut all ties with your Dad - he is abusive and sick.   You, on the other hand, are incredibly strong for getting out of there and for dealing with all of this - this will not last - things are going to get easier for you!   *HUGS*

cancersuks

Hadley, You are so strong!  I'm sorry for all you've been through, I have no answers other than to say God Bless You.  (Oh about your job, a lot of people with cancer are treated awful or fired after it's found out that they have the "C" word. I'm going through hell on my job now...trying to hold on.)

Fearless_One

I'm not telling a man until I know he is really emotionally invested in me (at least as best as I can tell).  

anonymice

Go to plentyoffish.com for three reasons - a, it's free....b, it has a huge database and c, the men WAAAAY outnumber the women.  It worked very, very well for me.  

Why don't you just continue to date, only with no expectations....just to get your "mojo" back?  Learn to flirt again.  Just have fun, date a LOT and see what you really like in a man now.  Absolutely rewrite your profile to reflect who you really are now and if you aren't sure who that is quite yet, that's ok!   

Fearless_One

Pamin, I guess the problem is I want to settle down and get married.  I am 45 and never was married.   I was on POF awhile back and I did like it - I agree with you there were many members.    But I think I get too clingy because I really want a bf.

Hopefloats41725

Me too!  Fearless one are one man women.  I hate to say, but deep down, I want my Bobby back!  It is so hard to work right accross the hall from him and live one quarter a mile away from him. I think he overreacted with my C  treatment and I did the same back.  So sad, we can't control others, except maybe play the games for awhile, but that is hard.  I need to further my education, not chase guys, running out of time at 59. 

Fearless_One

Hope, you are never out of time.    It's harder as we get older because the dating pool is smaller - but it certainly is possible. 

And by our ages, most of the men we meet are going to have some kind of health issues, too - albeit not as scary as BC, but issues nontheless.

Fearless_One

You weren't "wrong", you trusted him.   We can't foresee these things.   For me, personally, I would be more comfortable waiting - that is true - but there is no right or wrong when it comes to when to tell someone.