What to do, what to say...

want2support

My sis in law, K, was originally diagnosed in jan 07 and in may 09 it was discovered that she has mets to her liver and bones. This past week, based on a conversation with her onc, they are stopping all treatment and he said that she has 6 months or less. In the beginning her onc said he generally didn't talk in those terms with his patients so I guess this must be it. K has always been (long before cancer) a very closed, and fairly cynical person and I thought that this whole thing might soften or open her up, but it hasn't really. I am one of the few people that I think she opens up with and even that is only a teeny tiny bit. She and my brother have been married for almost 30 yrs and have 3 teenage kids. I love them all so very much and want to be there for them so I am going to spend a few days with them in a few weeks (I lived overseas during the initial diagnosis but I live in the US now, in a different state). I want to talk with K about her thoughts and fears. I want to do something with her, take her someplace, give her a gift that will make her smile or laugh, like she's not smiled and laughed in a very long time, maybe ever. And I want to ask if there's anything she might want me to do/say/make sure of for my neices & nephew after she is gone. I also want to do and say the right things with my neices (both 14) & nephew  (16), who I have a very close relationship with.

I want to shake my sil and say, don't give up, look at all this hollistic treatment out there, ask your oncologist for some names and treatment centers, thousands of people in your shoes change it by changing their treatment options. But she is a, go to the doctor when you are sick and that's it, kind of a person. She is not "a tryer," in my brother's words.

Anyway, I am rambling now. Any words of wisdom on any of this would mean the world and help tremendously.

ruthbru

Everybody deals with things in their own way. You really have to take your cues from her. I don't think most people change their whole personality it a crisis; just become more of themselves (which could be good or bad). It is possible that if you have some 'just hanging out together time', she will open up to you, but I wouldn't count on it, or push it either. What I would suggest is that you keep developing your close relationships with your nieces and nephew. This will be a really tough time for them, and it will help them a lot if they know that you care about them, love them, and will be there for them now and in the future.