I am feeling so down in the dumps

chiefswife

I just started radiation yesterday, you would think that I'd be thrilled to get this over with but it's  just the opposite, I am so sad, and feeling dismal, like what's the use.......do any of you feel just like this, discouraged, depressed? I guess I'm so scared that in another 2 or 3 weeks I'm going to be having the burnt skin issues, I think I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. Cancer sucks, it steals our joy.

pickle

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. I did not have radiation but I had mx and chemo. At the end of my treatment I expected to be over the moon with relief and joy. Ironically what I felt was quite the opposite. It is a process and sometimes it seemed like an everending journey. Finally I am 1 1/2 years out from dx and I feel so much better both mentally and physically. I think we really try to get it over with quickly and we really don't absorb it all. Be kind to yourself and really allow yourself to absorb and feel what you have and are still going through. Honestly...it sounds cliche...but there really is a light at the end of the dismal tunnel. You can get through this. Cancer really does suck and it does steal our joy and it steals our life as we knew it.... and like you...I felt discouraged, depressed and really beaten up by it all. Today I am living my life, feeling good, and looking forward to the future....it just took me time to get there and you will get there too. In the meantime...take your time....absorb what you are dealing with and really allow yourself to feel it...cry...stamp your feet...be angry...that is how we learn to move beyond. There really is a life that you can recapture....you just have to go through the process to get there.  You will get your joy back....cancer cannot keep it from you forever.

Best wishes and big cyber hugs

Beth P

dlb823

chiefswife, with today's RT technology, burned skin shouldn't be a problem if you don't have other complicating factors, like being on a drug that might cause that.  Just be sure to take good care of your skin.  Has your rad onc recommended anything for you to use?  Emu Oil was my favorite product and protected my skin really well.

Having emotional highs and lows as we go through treatment is very normal.  If the feelings of sadness continue, maybe see if there's an available psychologist or social worker at your facility to whom you could talk.  I did, and it was a huge help to find out that my feelings were very typical for that point in tx, and also to get some practical coping skills for what I was experiencing.

Breast cancer does steal our joy, at least for awhile.  But a year from now, you'll look back on this time and be amazed at what a difference a year makes.  Hang in there!   You're in the home stretch.    Deanna 

chiefswife

Hi pickle141 Thank you for replying to me, I also have had chemo and I'm sitting here bald as a brand new baby. I hate every thing about this cancer. I had the chemo to first shrink my cancer and it worked really well and the surgeon told me that the chemo shrank it down to a stage 1, it was first 4.5 cm, so I'm happy in that regards. I guess maybe I was just having a bad day. I'm sure looking forward to when all this is a thing of the past, Thank tou for your words of encouragement. 

Hi dlb823, I am feeling better today and also after reading what you said about todays's technology. I don't have any other factors, I just remember always getting severe sunburns as a teenager, I'm just thinking, is it going to be like that? I hope not. I am home already from today's treatment, so 3 down, 30 to go.  (28 regular with 5 boost)

No my 2 female technicians have said, Not to use anything until after I am seen by the doctor, they said I would see him once a week, but I will ask for something if it starts to get red and irritated. Thanks for the tip. What is Emu Oil and where do I get it?

BarbaraA

Chiefswife, it is an oil made from the large ostrich-like bird called the emu. I used it 3-4 times a day from day one of rads and I had a tan nipple with red dots but no burn. My rad onc now recommends it to all his patients.

BarbaraA

Oh, you can get it at a health food store on on the internet.

3monstmama

emotional highs and lows during the process are totally normal.  I agree with people who say to make sure you use creams etc.  Everyone seems to have a favorite--my zap doctor had me using calendula creme and pure aloe vera.   But CAUTION:  make sure you have nothing on the zapped area before you go for treatment. Some people have gotten really bad burns from having something on their skin when they got zapped. 

I did all my zaps at noonish, took a shower in the morning, used unscented soap, put NOTHING on and then after treatment, applied calendula creme.  It worked really really well.  You can't even really see where I got zapped.  I had one or two little burns after boost but given how I usually burn in the plain sun, I was quite pleased.

hang in there!

renee2010

I was feeling down in the dumps today,or afraid..i go for my first rad appointment today.It was put well that cancer stills our joy.I am happy and thankful for todays treatments but wish it could bring us to a point we dont haft to worry anymore.Feel safe again.I am a grown woman and feel like a frightned child around people who can go on and be happy which they should but I miss that peace I see in them.I read everyday on here.Several of you I feel like i know personally.I have faith for all of us and prayers we will be ok and afraid at the same time.Anyhow thankyou to the ones who post on here and let the rest of us know how we feel is normal..but we are strong because everyday we move forward.Thinking of each of you..Renee

TammyLou

Well...I'll tell ya...I work for the Army....and I would LOVE to give "the enemy" cancer treatment.

But, they won't let me.....cuz' it would be INHUMANE!!!!

(Glad to hear that you're feeling a little better.  ) 

lol

xx

tl

CT124

chiefswife-thanks for posting this. I was feeling the same way. started rads and now so uncomfortable from expander.This has been the longest journey complicated by getting the words "you have cancer" and "I want a divorce" in the same time frame. I wish I could turn life back to the way it was just a few short months ago, but the reality is that cancer has changed our world and for me, my husb.'s new girlfriend has hair and a chest, and I have done this battle without him at my side. However, I thought it was just a cliche that we get stronger everyday and I do now believe this because I have talked with incredible women who are coping with overwhelming challenges. I think what pickle wrote is so true. We don't give ourselves enough time to recover. We have been on a treadmill since the discovery of cancer-from multiple surgical procedures to chemo to radiation and then to reconstruction. There has been no time for our bodies to recover and just when you start to feel a little back to normal, you get slammed with the next tx. I almost didn't go back for RT on Monday-felt lousy on fri and had more lymphedema but by Mon with no RT over weekend it was better. Today, it's all coming back, but if we got through chemo, we can get through anything.

Shirlann

Hey, dear sister, you are very typical, as you near the end of this ghastly journey, the adrenaline slows down and you have PTSD.  It often grabs you when you are in the rad stage or after all is over and you think:  "Wait, I am now just being tossed to the side of the road?"  It feels that way, but this gets better.

I am starting my 12th year post treatment, am doing fine, and I know soooo many women who are in the same boat.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

angel80

I can relate I just finished partial breast radiation last week, I do have some skin issues, and my nipple has been sore since my lumpectomy.  But, the emotional stuff is far worse, I am planning on going back to work next week so hope it all works out.  I am  kind of depressed.

candie1971

Chiefswife,

I ,like you, did chemo and then radiation. during the weeks of radiation, I was depressed, having anxiety attacks,too. I have read here that many girls go through this. The upside is, it all goes away eventually. I am now 4 1/4 years out and I am back to life. There is life after breast cancer...it does get better!! good luck!!

hugs and prayers

Alyad

I used emu oil - I found it a local Walgreens, but the kind they sold was locally made- don't know its widely available. But you can get it online for sure. I did burn pretty good but I had a more intense IMRT/ tomotherapy- had 25 treatments instead of 30-36 that seems to be the norm. 

I used the aquaphor they gave me at first and it didn't seem to do much, lots of itching. I took hydrocodone for the itching- maybe overkill, but it helped a lot.

LizinKS

Hi, Chief's Wife,

I am over two years out  cancer-free following a lumpectomy and radiation. The wonderful women that have posted before me gave some great advice. Shirlann's posts were always helpful to me two years ago. As she said, sometimes when you're coming to the end of treatments, you're just ready for it to be over and return back to normal life instead of feeling as if you're not a person, but a walking disease process. I had a wonderful doctor and technicians that made things as easy as possible, but still it's an intense process for those five or so weeks. I thought I would be elated. Instead, as others have said, I felt down and frightened. Through biopsy, surgery,oncologist and radiation oncologist consults, and radiation, I dealt with life one day at a time. (Believe me, there was not one radiation oncology patient who was unaware of how many treatments he or she had left! It's a big time commitment.)

When it was over, then those fearful feelings I must have suppressed - though I'm not usually one to suppress feelings - came crashing through once I had time and energy to think. 

It gets better day by day. As my oncologist told me, a year from now, you'll find you don't think of cancer every day. You'll have an ongoing relationship with the oncologist but life does get better.

We'll all be thinking of you as you do through radiation. Your radiation oncologist and staff will be glad to anwer your concerns. Besides this board, you might check out a local breast cancer support group or a Gilda's Club, if there is one in your area. Pres. Clinton used to say,"I feel your pain," but other cancer patients can say that in spades.

Hugs and for a smile, please note my tabby cat was sitting in a hat in my picture - a real cat in the hat! 

LizinKS