Staying Abreast in Life.

Options
PitPat
PitPat Member Posts: 156
edited June 2014 in Who or What Inspires You?

I have been doing some journaling throughout my life and really want to share this. If it helps someone, that is awesome. I've found sharing the story more helpful than anything else. I was inspired by this story http://melinda-musing.blogspot.com/2009/10/10-1-09-good-bye-boob.html (it stems from a thread started here at Breastcancer.org, but I can't find it at the moment.

Of note. I caught fire at the age of  six and have extensive burn scars on my torso, completely covering about 3/4 of my chest, and fully covering one breast. This fact will make certain aspects of the journalling make sense.

************************************************************************************************

Staying Abreast in Life

by Patti B on Monday, October 11, 2010 at 11:05pm

Where do we go from here?

Does a set back mean that your behind or does it mean your being directed else where?

Since awaking from surgery one month ago I have not felt right. I was happy that the cancer had been taken off my body. And I was happy that I had some sort of reconstruction going on. Waking to some sort of bumps on my chest helped me to recover from the mastectomy. There was the illusion that I had not in fact lost my breasts.

I have been asked a number of times if I believe that my breasts are what define me as a woman and if losing them would make me feel less. I have to pause to think because I first want to say"no" in defense of my fairly firm confidence of myself as a woman. But I also want to say "yes" because my relationship with my breasts.

From the early days of my teens and the tender budding of my breasts brought about excitement of actually being at the point of my life where my body was changing shape and the sure sign of womanhood was upon me. It also brought about fears as I began to see one breast budding out at the nipple, but remaining flat on the scarred side. For many weeks I feared that I would only grown one breast. Can you imagine that!! I was 14 years old and having to deal with this issue and not even thinking to ask someone "what's going to happen?" Can you imagine my relief waking up one day and feeling the scarred breast and a bump was there, ever so small but an obvious swell where the obliterated nipple was located.  So I went though my teens growing and learning to accommodate my breasts. They were completely different in shape and so what I wore was determined by if I felt comfortable with my surroundings. I eventually wore a bra not for support but just to make the breasts appear even. I wasn't obsessed; I was just conscious of them all the time. I had enough people looking at me due to the burn scars I didn't need uneven boobs being part of the look as well.

I've been protective of these "girls" as much as I could be. Knowing that they were not the matching pair that most teen boys, young men, or older men looked at, I had to make a choice, to hid them or be normal. I chose normal. I chose to be typical where I was not typical. I was not going to let my scars define me. I wore camisoles in situations where I preferred to stay covered and when I felt more bold, I would just be me no cover up necessary. I don't think I ever had a lover complain, though I'm sure there was a bit of bewilderment at times!

So then the whole ordeal with becoming a mother and that journey (One Breast is Enough). I came out of that experience loving my boobs. They made me proud and I know that my story will be told to many moms, encouraging them to trust their breasts. My breasts will help more babies all over the world for years to come. My breasts have proved their worth.

Now as many moms who have breast fed for many years know, your breasts can become separate from your love life. Mine are not as sexual as when they are nursing babies. Since I had been nursing for over 12 years straight, my breasts were out of touch with being a source of pleasure (well they ever really had been). But for some reason they finally began to become part of my feelings of being a woman, a voluptuous woman with curves and an outpouring sensuality. It must have been due to the rising estrogen levels that begin to rise after breastfeeding ends. I was getting my "mojo" back and then some.

Now with the ending of breastfeeding come the breast changes. I returned to normal size and lost a bit of volume and now required new bras. This brought out a frustration that I have had since those first buds appeared. When I was young I could wear a bra that has light support. Not now. Now there are stores with amazingly fun bras. Gingham with lace trim, pretty pink polka dots, leopard prints!! A girl's dreams come true except for me. For every 20 bras I tried on, I found one that maybe fit. But who wants to buy a bra that only fits kinda well? I stayed in my better fitting nursing bras and wore shelf tops. Then one day, I found a bra. I was ecstatic . Can you imagine being 43 years old and finding a bra that for the first time makes your bust look even, perky and...gosh by golly sexy and it is cute to boot? You think I would have worn it out over the next 3 years, but I didn't. Finally I took it to the store that sells that brand. I left with 5 bras that were black, nude, pink with grey lace, and two different types of leopard print...and a first for me...matching panties. I was glorified and excited, and for the first time ever, I had tears of joy running down my cheeks as I looked my BFF in eye and she knew that they were tears of happiness and not the tears that needed hugs of comforting as she had had to do in the privacy of the dressing room in the past.

So a whole new era of life has been given to these breasts of mine. They really have lived my whole live and defined so many aspects of my emotional life and the growth of my confidence about being a woman. I've become an older woman with a body that has borne children, with breasts that have nurtured children. I am learning to accept this new me. Looking at defining my strengths and my future, I have made peace with my whole self finally for the first time in my life.

That lasted for one year.

Feeling the lump on July 18th, I knew immediately what it was. Hind sight showed me that this has been a long time coming. The same spot on this breast has shown itself to me in another way. Not as a hard lump; but as a soft bulge near the nipple usually appearing after my breast had produced copious amounts of milk. I think the first time I saw this was 5 years ago. And not it seems a millions years ago.

Life has been on fast forward since that lump was discovered. I have not had a great deal of time to adjust. The diagnosis of invasive lobular carcinoma felt like a shoe dropping. A cancer diagnosis was not surprising due to my mom, her sister (my aunt) and my sister all having it and all diagnosed in their 40s. I have spent the last 4 years feeling like I have just been waiting for the cancer shoe to drop. And that is what finding the lump as been like. There was a kind of relief as much as there was upset. I knew immediately what I was going to choose. And that was to have a double mastectomy. Not an easy choice but what else was I to do knowing my family history. So once again my breasts have a tale to tell, even if it is in their demise.

Once again my breasts are leading the way in how I cope and how I find calm in my life. Because of the surgeries, I am being taught that my body really does listen to me. I had originally thought to go one direction, but choose another. A good choice as I would not have physically tolerated my original surgical choice. But through this choice I realized that having foreign things implanted in my chest is not as easy as it may seem. It has been horrible for me. After 3 weeks post-op I began to feel anxious about the slow healing, and not just the healing but the worsening of the wound. The choice to do immediate reconstruction seemed like the best idea. In hindsight, I should have gone slower. And even now I'm questioning the choice my plastic surgeon made during the surgery (why not use two expanders and increase volume bilaterally instead of putting in the larger volume implant). I think this because I got one expander because of concern that the scarred tissue would not heal under the pressure of an implant. And that is just what happened, except on the opposite side and only where there was scar present. I began to feel like I just wanted the implant out, to put the muscle back where it was supposed to be. I thought being flat-chested was a great deal better than I was feeling. But one has to be careful with what ones wishes for.

So to get back to where my body began to listen to me, the wound was getting worse and finally gave way to the pressure of the implant and created an opening where my implant was exposed. During this time I actually found that not one of the three physicians whose care I was under was available to me, specifically the plastic surgeon. And most upsetting was that there was no one covering for him should a gal like me encounter difficulty. I've had to (like this whole journey) find my own way and trouble shoot my own problems. I went to the ER, and just a bit over 24 hours later I was in surgery with a whole new team, losing my implant. But at the same time I was on my way to healing and feeling better than I had in weeks. I also felt like I had a new game plan.

My old boobs are no longer with me, but the shadow of their existence has given me the confidence to continue on without them and to learn even more about myself, boobs or no boobs. I am woman whose breasts HAVE defined me. And in their honor, I will hold their memory close to me. I will let them go knowing they have done me proud, but our parting is not to be looked at with sorrow, it is to be looked at with wonder at what lies ahead now that this new path is before me.

Thank you breast(s), your job is done.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

Categories