Need Advice with Anger and Emotion

LW85

I'm looking for some help for my mom.  She was dianosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago.  She had four rounds of chemo, a lumpectomy, then four more rounds of chemo.  Now she is taking a daily pill and is cancer free!  The problem is she is not moving on.  She has eight brothers and sisters and none of them visited or were there for us.  My dad, me, and two brothers were the ones who were there.  Her parents didn't visit either.  My mom doesn't really let people help.  She makes it very difficult for our relatives to feel as though they are welcome to help.  She doesn't realize that asking for help or accepting help is a sign of strength.  She sees it as a weakness.

Now she is in the habit of drinking wine, going on the internet, and sending mean emails to her siblings about how nobody was there for her and things like that.  At first she was sending them to people who made our lives more difficult, but the other night she sent one to her sister who I am very close to.  It hurt me to read what she said to my aunt.

I've mentioned counseling to her but she doesn't seem interested at all.  She doesn't want to do any group things.  I have no idea how to help her or even what is out there to help her.  I'm starting to do some research, but I used this site two years ago and got some wonderful feedback so I thought I would start here.  She cannot go on living her life like this.  She has to accept she was sick but now she is healthy and should be happy.  She still thinks this shouldn't have happened to her.  What makes it more difficult is my husband's mother passed away from breast cancer.  I get so angry with her that she complains she suffered for a year and he had to watch his mom suffer then die.

Thank you for any advice!!

BrokenHeart

Hi LW,

With all due respect, if that was my Mother I would know that she was extremely anxious to the point of terror and probably depressed.

Most women who are educated about BC know that it "can" come back, and I imagine that this is understandably your Mother's greatest fear.

Your husband's Mother passing only served to reinforce her fear even more.  I really do feel your Mom is waiting for an ax to fall and cannot move past that point.

I'm sorry, but it isn't as clear cut as "Now she is taking a daily pill and is cancer free! ".  She doesn't feel that safe, and neither would I if I were in her position.  

Your Mom needs a lot of love and kindness, even if she can't see that.  Sort of like cannot see the forest for the trees.   It would be great if she could see her Dr about her emotional issues, but for a while, maybe cut her some slack.  I do understand your feelings to some degree, but also hers.

~Zeana

Lowrider54

LW85...woah, this is a tough one.  She isn't going to listen to anybody.  She has internalized everything and it is manfesting itself in her lashing out at anyone and everyone she feels (and believes) deserted her and left her to fight for her life by herself.  And she has not been able to accept that cancer picks who ever it wants and there is no logic or reason and it was simply the 'unluck' of the draw that it picked her. 

The only thing I can suggest when someone does not want help or does not think they have a problem that needs helping and rejects any notion that they might is to find little helpful things - a small book perhaps of Moving Beyond Cancer and just leave it laying around.  Don't draw attention to it - she might pick it up and have a look.  Or something more like Why Did Cancer Pick Me.  Try to avoid things in the titles that indicate 'coping' or 'help' or 'dealing with' - pick titles that mimic her words I Am Pissed that Cancer Picked Me - I don't know what is out there as I have not encountered this before.  You have to find something she can relate to - she is mad at the world and she is pointing fingers and blaming other for their faults - I don't know what the relationship was with her brothers and sisters prior to the cancer - if it was good, some don't deal with it very well.  They see the cancer person as dying and they can't deal or they think they can catch it - in any case, they treat the cancer person like a leper - I had a neighbor do that with me when I got dx'd with my mets - it has taken a year for her to come to accepting that I am still here but I have a disease, not a cold or flu and she can't catch it and she is not going to lose me yet.  I have spoken with her during this time but only recently has she started to be like her old self around me. 

Your mom is in emotional pain and is inflicting pain on others in hopes that her pain will lessen - it won't and it isn't.  But she has to come to it in her very own way and in her time.  If you take a look at any 12 step program, it may help you understand where she is.  I am pretty sure the first step is the acceptance part. 

I am no professional but this tactic has helped others - and the less you point it out, the less attention you pay to the anger - it will get worse at first but if you can hold you ground to only talking of the positive things, she might just find that anger isn't giving her the 'pleasure' anymore and she will come around. 

I am sorry I can't be more helpful but like I said...this is a tough one.  I wish you success and pray that your mom can reach a point where life looks worth the living again.

Hugs...LowRider

NatureGrrl

I'm not sure I have anything that will help you motivate your mom out of this... and my reaction certainly wasn't exactly like hers.  Ultimately, she has to be the one to chose to get help; to even see that she needs and wants help (acceptance -- step one, right?  I've always thought there should be a step zero -- acknowledgement that there's even an issue).  There's only so much you can do to help her with that.

But I can share a bit of what it's like from the cancer side:  I remember last fall after chemo and my lumpectomy, getting the good news that I was NED... and of course I was glad to hear that, very glad... but I got criticized for not jumping up and down for joy.  I couldn't.  I was barely out of chemo, exhausted, depressed, beaten down to the bottom of the ditch, living with my mother with her own cancer and dementia, overwhelmed... and then in the middle of rads, mom died... I just didn't have it in me to be joyous.  A year later, I'm there, feeling much better, and feeling joy -- but I worked at it.  And while I'm several months out from the end of treatment, I'm still tired a lot, go up and down with my moods, and have days that are still a struggle.  I'm much better -- but I wouldn't call myself "healthy."  Not yet. Healthier, for sure. Again, working at it. 

And I have to say, when people tell me I look great and I must be cured and healthy, I'm stumped for words to respond.  Because I often still feel like crap, and I'm dealing with the aftermath of treatment.  But I mostly just say "thank you."

I understand your frustration and your wanting your mom to snap out of it.  I remember looking at my 89 YO mother, who was complaining about the fact that she might not live much longer, and thinking, "but you had 89 years!!"  My SIL is 58 and stage IV ovarian.  I'm sure she would be happy to have those extra 30 years.  All I could do with my mom was try to emphasize "You sound like you still have a lot to live for/you're scared/whatever").  Nothing else reached her. 

I understand your anger, too.  But your mom has to decide for herself to get help, to look for happiness, all that good stuff. 

So some things to consider:  your mom is most likely depressed.  It may be hard for you to break through that to help her get help, especially if you're telling her, as you're telling us, that she "should be happy."  Please try not to judge her or tell her what she should be thinking, feeling... There's no timeline on when people rebound post-treatment, and it's a lot harder for some women than others.  Depression, anger, all those things can create a real internal boiling pot of anxiety and fear.  And if she's refusing help and bottling all her emotions up, she's going to struggle for a long time. 

You might try approaching her simply and with love, tell her how concerned you are, you'd like to see her feel better, and ask if she's consider help.  That's a hard one to get through as well because many of us are conditioned to believe that you deal with everything on your own.  She may well continue to refuse.  Her choice.

Your mom didn't suffer for a year -- she suffered for a year, and she's still suffering.  Cancer is the disease that keeps on giving, even if you're NED.  Many women feel the cancer word hanging over their heads for a long time after treatment.  Keep in mind that NED isn't cured -- there is no cure.  Any and all of us face reoccurance -- BC can come back any time, even 20 years later.

You're angry, your mom is angry, and it's all understandable and normal.  If your oncologist has a therapist on staff and your mom won't go, you might go for yourself -- it will help you figure out how to deal with your own emotions and perhaps how to work with your mom in a way that helps her.  Sometimes, with my own mom, I just had to "detach with love."  I had to quit taking on her problems and emotions and behaviors that I simply had no control over.  I didn't stop loving her or helping her or taking care of her, but I separated out what was hers and let her keep it.

It's unfortunate that your mom is drinking and lashing out at people. That's hurtful for everyone.  Your family may not have helped but that's not unusual, for many reasons, and if your mom was holding them at arm's length, that made it even harder for them to help.  The only thing I can say about that is to realize that this is your mom's behavior, and there may be little you can do about it. 

This shouldn't have happened to her -- it shouldn't have happened to any of us, really -- and we all deal with it with more or less grace.  But no matter how much grace one brings to the situation, it's horrible and devastating and complex and painful on so many levels.  I feel for both of you.  It can be really hard, but try to show your mom as much love and support as possible.  I hope you get some solid suggestions to help.  Best of luck.

ananda8

Perhaps you should email or call your relatives and tell them what a difficult time your mother is having. Perhaps by talking to them you will find out why they weren't there for your mother. They may have reasons that will surprise you.  Explain to them what you have explained in your post.  

Tell them your mom needs them.  Tell them Cancer is not a cold.  One does not get over it. 

hopefulhealing

naturegrrl  wow beautifully said.  It helped me reading it too!  We have to just keep trying.

courage doesn't always roar

sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying

I will try again tomorrow

Anger is so very hard. I am feeling that right now and I hate that emotion. But it has to be dealt with and acknowledged.  Let it boil over and out so that it will cool.