1 year NED (almost) and scared

badmamajama

Ladies,

 This Sat, Sept. 18th, will be one year NED. For some reason I can't relax, also not sleeping. I had all my test last week and I know everything is fine. I am freaking out can't stop thinking about the 18th.  My mind just seems to go back to the" what if's". Have any of you been through this?

Beach

badmamajama,

The answer is yes, what you're feeling is very common.  Thought I'd share something with you that I posted on one of the Her2 threads a few months ago......

I'll introduce myself.....my name is Sandy and I was dx with Her2 +++, ER+, PR+ bc in Feb 09 at age 45.  I read everything I could find about this type of bc and treatment in order to try to gain some control over what was happening.  I'll admit, eventhough we are lucky enough to have Herceptin, the whole Her2 thing continues to be a worry in the back of my mind.  I was pushed into chemopause quite abruptly, (and still am), and then the sleepless nights set in.  I dealt with a pretty bad reaction to Taxotere which has left me with physical and psychological se's to date.  It was tough but I plugged along and thought I was getting through okay.  It was January of this year when the fatigue of tx and still not being able to stay alseep at night really started to take it's toll on me.  During this time the anxiety consumed me and pushed me into a serious depression.  I didn't know what was happening to me; had no frame of reference to recognize or deal with this, and consequently tried to keep it inside because of the shame and guilt I was feeling.  Afterall, other than Herceptin, active tx was done, so I should be feeling better....right?? 

Wrong....luckily for me, my GP and oncology team saw it in my eyes and rounded up the troups very quickly to try to help me.  I found out that I'm not crazy, nor was I alone in this dark place.  These feelings are common and there are people (and meds) available to help us get through and regain control of our life.  I'm still in the midst of this battle but I do see the light.....finally!  I just wanted to share my experience in order to let others know that they are not alone and it's okay to ask for help.  I read something recently......"Depression is NOT a sign of weakness, rather a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long". 

Best to all my Her2 sisters out there and thanks for listening!!

((( ))) Sandy 

Beach

badmamajama,

The answer is yes, what you're feeling is very common.  Thought I'd share something with you that I posted on one of the Her2 threads a few months ago......

I'll introduce myself.....my name is Sandy and I was dx with Her2 +++, ER+, PR+ bc in Feb 09 at age 45.  I read everything I could find about this type of bc and treatment in order to try to gain some control over what was happening.  I'll admit, eventhough we are lucky enough to have Herceptin, the whole Her2 thing continues to be a worry in the back of my mind.  I was pushed into chemopause quite abruptly, (and still am), and then the sleepless nights set in.  I dealt with a pretty bad reaction to Taxotere which has left me with physical and psychological se's to date.  It was tough but I plugged along and thought I was getting through okay.  It was January of this year when the fatigue of tx and still not being able to stay alseep at night really started to take it's toll on me.  During this time the anxiety consumed me and pushed me into a serious depression.  I didn't know what was happening to me; had no frame of reference to recognize or deal with this, and consequently tried to keep it inside because of the shame and guilt I was feeling.  Afterall, other than Herceptin, active tx was done, so I should be feeling better....right?? 

Wrong....luckily for me, my GP and oncology team saw it in my eyes and rounded up the troups very quickly to try to help me.  I found out that I'm not crazy, nor was I alone in this dark place.  These feelings are common and there are people (and meds) available to help us get through and regain control of our life.  I'm still in the midst of this battle but I do see the light.....finally!  I just wanted to share my experience in order to let others know that they are not alone and it's okay to ask for help.  I read something recently......"Depression is NOT a sign of weakness, rather a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long". 

Best to all my Her2 sisters out there and thanks for listening!!

((( ))) Sandy 

badmamajama

Thanks Beach--I am feeling more anxiety now than through dx and treatment. I am going to talk to someone to help me through this.

ruthbru

Yes, it's normal. I always get very creeped out for the whole month of February (or crabby, as my husband would say!). I think during treatment you are on 'fast forward'; just getting through everything. And it's afterwards, when you have a chance to catch your breath and reflect....that's hard, a post traumatic stress reaction, I think. Time and distance from diagnosis does help; I still struggle around anniversary times and especially before checkups but it does get easier. Hang in there! Ruth

edited to add that I have a prescription for Ambien and take it when I can't sleep. It is wonderful!

LtotheK

I'm already thinking what this might be like, and I'm not even done treatment yet.  I'm so sympathetic.

Therapy rarely is discussed.  I found that my hospital could really do a better job helping me navigate the ancilliary needs of breast cancer.  Helping you come up with coping skills for PTSD and "moving beyond cancer" is exactly what a good therapist should be able to help you with.

I wish you a ton of good luck, and hope that you can enjoy you days despite that harrowing feeling.

badmamajama

Ladies,

Thanks for all the concern. I am going to look at this" Moving Beyond" thing like I did with my treatment and take it on full force. Plan on meeting with some one this week. 

squidwitch42

badmamajama,

I am shortly coming up on my official year, but it was one year this week that I felt the lump.  I think it's great that you are advocating for yourself, and you are taking good care of yourself by reaching out.  I hope you will find some peace and be able to address the hardship of treatment.  Take good care,

traci

ruthbru

Badmamma, I think with your 'grab the bull by the horns' attitude, you will do great! Best of Luck! Ruth

iodine

I add one more--it's a place we have all been.  By the time tx is over and you finally have time to wrap your head around the fact that you have had freekin' cancer, you're exhausted and it hits full force.  Where before all your brain cells were focused on the fight to beat it, you really had not had the energy to assess what was going on.

Oh, and BTW, Never Never drink with Ambien---for my daughter and me, we sleep walk with the mixture!  She left the commode lid in her living room and couldn't imagine why.  Unfortunately, I lit some paper afire.---thank God it went out even before I awoke.  I was really scared when I remembered what I'd done.