dating

lindainfla

My husband did not make it through breast cancer as well as I did and took a pass on our 25 year long marriage.  I have chosen not to have reconstruction after a double mastectomy...and am now wondering about the possibility of dating? 

Have any of you wonderful ladies had experience with new relationships when one, or both of you, is missing a some integral parts?  I'd love to hear from you.

Erica3681

Hi Linda,

I've not had to face the dating scene myself but wanted to share the story of my mother-in-law. She had a bilateral matectomy and no reconstruction. When my father-in-law died she was relatively young, 64. She began dating a couple of years later and met a few interesting men, but nothing long-term. Then she met a guy -- handsome, intelligent, successful -- and they fell in love. They married and were together for 14 years, until she died at age 82 (not from breast cancer). He adored her and couldn't have cared less about her lack of breasts. Incidentally, most of the time she chose not to wear prostheses and went flat.

Her story convinces me that there are men out there who are really looking at other parts of us -- our faces, our minds, our hearts. 

Barbara

franie

I also had a double mastectomy and was concerned about dating. The dating part didn't bother me but roaming hands and sex was a concern. I had some bad experiences and then found some one that didn't mind I wore prosthetic breasts. In fact it sort of intriged him. Be brave and gently jump in the water.

msphil

Hi honey, when I was diagnosed I was in the process of making wedding plans, I was so upset that my fiancee would not be able to deal with me and one boob, but to my surprise(not really) he is that kind of man who stood by me through it all, in fact he was the one to look at my bare chest after the bandages were taken off, he said to me " it isn,t so bad, I don,t care about the breasat I love you, and knew for sure he was sent to me by God, hang in there he will also send you the right one, just Believe and have Faith.  God Bless. msphil

wabiwoman

Lindainfl,

I am soooo glad you wrote about this and asked this.  I have had reconstruction after a bilateral mastectomy, and the results haven't been so aesthetically pleasing.  I've been considering taking my implants out for a while, but I know the rub for me is about dating, or more specifically, sex.  I don't really care about having "form" in my clothes.  I recconstructed because I was concerned about finding a potential partner and being intimate.  At 47 and never having been married if I listen to society my "chances" of finding a decent partner are labelled as "slim".  I was afraid of turning "slim" into "zilch" if I chose not to reconstruct. 

I say all this as someone who speaks to others (as a profession) about living with positivity, letting go of negative thinking, having faith, doing the best we can, letting go of the outcome of the path, being confident -- and yet in my smaller mind I get scared and don't believe this.  I can easily fear, unfortunately.  

So now I have these reconstructed things, no nipples, no aereola, lots of rippling and one breast that seems to want to make its way towards my armpit, I'm wondering if it is indeed any better than having no reconstruction.  I am unconvinced.  I know when I had a BRCA test the genetics counselor said she had clients who chose no reconstruction and they continued to date, be in marriages, etc.  I may indeed follow the path you have chosen after all.

I do think it is indeed an issue of faith, doing what we can to make things happen (the footwork), having confidence and being self loving.  This is "thinking".  My emotions need to now step up to the plate!!!

Geena

lindainfla

Thank you ladies. There is no better place to allay your fears and bolster your spirits.  I sure hope there is someone out there for me...I put it out to the universe, just like I have with all of the stress and fear and uncertainty of breast cancer.