Partner not supporting me while waiting!

NYCMOM3

Hi! I'm brand new here and beside myself.  I come from a high risk background - mom was 38 when first diagnosed with breast cancer and finally lost the battle right after her 50th bday when it spread virtually everywhere.  Her sister passed away from bc in her mid 20's, and my cousin recovered after having it in her early 20s but we're not in touch.  There are other forms of cancer in our family too - prostate, lung, and I believe liver.

 6 months ago I had an abnormal mammo followed by a sono that they said looked ok but that I had to come back in 6 months. Right before my follow up I developed a small hard lump and that's where they focused for my follow up.  I'm awaiting the results (this was just yesterday) but my partner has been hard to deal with.  I'm one of those people who likes to joke about something to keep it light, otherwise I'll bawl like a baby and won't be able to stop, and he thought it was "inappropriate" and didn't want to talk to me about it at all.  I'm so crushed, we've been together over a year and I feel like this is MY situation and that I need him to support me in a way that I feel comfortable.  Am I being selfish or am I right? I am so busy in life and being a single mom that I don't have a lot of friends to call on, and I'm feeling very alone.   No matter what the result is, I feel abandoned by the person who is supposed to be there for me, and I don't know if I should just walk away.  

 Meanwhile, HOW long is this going to take? It's so frustrating not knowing.  Thanks all. By the way, I am almost 39.

Cowgirl13

NYCMOM3  

Reach out on this board for support--the women here are wonderful. We have all been where you are.  Your boyfriend may not be reacting in the way you would like, but then some men are like that--it doesn't mean that he won't be supportive later.   It could be that your boyfriend is picking up on your fear even though you are joking--fear is driving it and that's what could be making him uncomfortable.   Just a thought.  Please keep us posted.  thinking good thoughts for you.

NYCMOM3

Thanks so much, Cowgirl.  The thing is that he's yelling at me, hanging up on the phone because I won't say that I'm sorry for dealing the way I need to deal.  I'm feeling like he needs to "man up" or I don't need him at all, it's only making me more upset that he's being a jerk about my fears.  I'm not so sure that I can count on him in the future if he's acting like this now.  I remember my last little scare with an abnormal mammogram followed by sonogram that they wanted to monitor (it was 6 months ago) and I was so scared that all I did was cry about it - and he was fine. Now that I was prepared a bit more, knowing that I have just had issues, I need to deal with it in a way that makes me stronger.  I don't want to go back to crying all the time just to make him feel more comfortable.  This is really difficult for me, waiting is so hard and I really don't have any support because I don't want anyone else involved unless it becomes something more.  

 Thanks again, I really appreciate your words and thoughts.  :) 

CandDsMom

just wanted to say I am here for you too.  I am also young (35) and a mom (2 boys - 13 months and 3 1/2).  It is a tough thing to go through these tests and I agree with cowgirl - sometimes it is hard for those who support us to realize just what we are dealing with emotionally and physically, especially when you are waiting for results.  You have come to the right place - the women on these boards are so amazing and have been so helpful to me the past 6 months.  Hoping for B9 results for you!

NYCMOM3

Thanks so much, it really means a lot.  I know it must be hard for him on the outside, but not respecting my own way of dealing (and this worked so much better than non-stop crying like in the past!) is so painful to me.  Now I wait, I hope it's not too long.  Thank you for being there for me.  My mom didn't tell me about her initial diagnosis but I was old enough when it came back (and of course I knew she was sick when she went away and had all of those treatments, the hair etc...) I remember feeling so scared but she didn't talk about it with me.  Your boys are so very young, do they know anything? My daughter is 9 and so sensitive.  Of course I won't say a word until I get my diagnosis, and only if it's BC, but I am not sure how to handle it. I guess that will come when it does.

 Thanks again, so much.  I really appreciate it.  xo 

apple

tho i have a dependable husband, it is my opinion that men can't be depended on for what YOU need... just the way it is.  it's not really their fault.. they're just different creatures. 

best of luck as you deal with whatever and i'm of course hoping it is a benign thing.

DesignerMom

NYCmom-  I'm sorry your boyfriend is "acting out".  If your relationship was good before, it may just be that he is scared and not dealing with things very well.  Like YOU aren't scared???  I don't think you mentioned if they did a biopsy.  Are those the results you are waiting for?  In my case, once I found the lump, had the mammo and ultrasound, which confirmed suspicion, they scheduled the biopsy right away.  I had the biopsy on a Monday and they called me Wednesday with the results.  I see you are from NYC.  Where are you being treated?  If you do end up needing a breast surgeon, I really love mine.  Waiting is the hardest part.  Try to distract yourself with anything that works.  You don't get bonus points for worrying ahead of time.  Feel free to PM me.

NYCMOM3

Our relationship has been like many are, worth the work, but not always easy.  However, he tends to "freak out" if he can't fix something. I'm his first partner that is independent and he says he's ok with it, but then things happen and he tries to fix it when all I need is support while I take care of what I need to take care of.  This is out of our control, both of us, and I just need to be able to vent and deal however I can to get to the next step, the next day, hour... whatever it is. It's like he's uncomfortable with the fact that this is totally out of his realm of fixing. And somehow I get the feeling that he wants to turn it into a situation that brings pity - does that make sense? Like it turns it into HIS problem instead of mine. Maybe subconsciously to try and lift the burden from me, but it only makes me feel worse.

 This is just a follow up sonogram, though the lump is new (and so different than the cysts I always seem to have). I know they're on high alert due to my family history so hopefully I will have that result soon.  

As of now I'm still in my doc's medical center for testing.  I know there are great hospitals in NYC and I may be asking for names/places.  I know once it's confirmed it's lightening fast.  My friend went through this a month ago and ended up with double mastectomy and is doing reconstruction (expanders are working now). I often wonder if I should go ahead and get the double prophylactic mastectomy given my history and lumpiness.  I know it's an awful surgery, but does it really decrease your odds enough for what you go through?  Ugh, so much to think about even when I don't have any answers.  

 Thanks again, you girls are wonderful.  xo 

debbie6122

NYCmom- welcome, im glad you came here for support, Im sorry your b/f is in my opinion being a jerk, he should be more supportive, a lot of men cant handle this kind of thing and like some of the ladies on here said maybe he is just scared. that could be, but right now you have to just focus on you and not him, he has to get that, if not i would tell him unless he can be supportive you dont want to see him for awhile, i know this sounds harsh, and i dont mean to, its just that if this turns out to be BC you are going to need all the strength you can muster.and need to be calm, and no you arnt being slefish at all. Are you getting support from the rest of your family?

Getting your results can vary, anywhere from 3 days to 10 days, i waited almost 10 days, that waiting is the hard part, Its sounds like you have had a lot of thing of things you have been dealing with, wish i could give you a hug so i/ll just send a cyber ((((hugs)))) to you, please keep us posted, we are all here for you,

Debbie

DesignerMom

nycmom-  I think your thoughts about BF feeling not able to fix things might be what is happening.  It also sounds like his need to "fix" and your independent nature might come up again and again.  Perhaps some counseling might help?  I am concerned that you seem to be getting treatment in a doctor's office?  As you have a strong history of BC and have had some abnormal mammograms and ultrasounds, I think you need to see someone who specializes in these matters.  I would hate to think that something might be missed because these doctors don't do enough of this.  If there is ANY doubt, I think the only way to make sure is with a biopsy.  An ultrasound is NOT conclusive. I am assuming your doctor has sent you somewhere for the ultrasound and he's waiting for it to be read?  In my case, once they did the ultrasound at Mt Sinai, a radiologist looked at the film and immediately came in the room and said that it did need to be biopsied.  I then chose to go to a breast surgeon of my choice and I am glad that I had done my research.  By the way, it took Mt. Sinai 3 weeks to send me a letter saying I needed to get a biopsy.  If you don't hear anything within a few days, get on the phone.  As you sound understandably worried, to the point of considering a prophylactic mastectomy, I think it would be wise to start a relationship with a specialist who specializes and knows everything about breasts.  I highly recommend The Comprehensive Breast Care Center at St. Lukes Roosevelt, 59th St.  My BS is Dr. Sharon Rosenbaum and not only is she brilliant, she is SO nice.  I have friends who see her partners and are also very happy.  Wishing you strength and clarity for these hard decisions.

NYCMOM3

Thanks so much.  I feel much better knowing that I'm NOT going crazy!!!  We talked today and he insists it is not because he can't control the situation, but he says he just can't laugh about it with me.  My mom got through her toughest moments in the 10 year battle by laughing.  He insists that he wants me to talk about it but I tell him I feel uncomfortable dealing with it the way that makes me happy - and i don't feel like crying about it. The only way I can really grasp a little happiness through this ordeal is by talking about it in a lighter way. I swear, I hear dramatic movie music sometimes when he talks about Serious Things.  He's a bit dramatic and seems to thrive on bad stuff, but also really good stuff.  There seems to be no combination with anything.  So I don't know where I stand other than to be true to my nature.

 I don't have much family other than my daughter.  It's really tough when things happen. I have some friends but not a lot that I call close - and those are the ones that live far away. I love my life but sometimes it feels like by nature I'm so isolated.  I know lots of people but I don't know them enough to share in such sadness.  I'm always known as the optimist, the one that can find good in everything. And I'm doing that with this but he can't grasp that.

Right now I am in my medical practice, they do the mammo and sono there.  I recently got insurance (just in time it seems!) so I'm going through their channels and am due for a checkup soon with my doc.  Unfortunately I have a new doctor now (old one left, and I really liked her!  Nature of healthcare in the US I suppose)  so I will talk to her when these results come in and if it's negative, see about a second opinion elsewhere. I will look into St. Lukes and Dr. R, thanks so much for that.  

Interestingly enough, a friend just emailed me today saying that she found a lump this morning. It seems that one of my acquaintances may turn into a resource or at least a sister in this. She's new to the country but I believe has insurance which is good of course. She has no clue where to start to get this checked, and I'm not much better at the moment, just going where they tell me to go.

I started looking at photos last night of mastectomies.  My mother never had hers reconstructed and was proud that she beat it. This was in the very early 80s. I'm not sure how I feel about it all, but I feel for all of the women who have gone through this. And all of us women who sit on pins and needles, making decisions to alter our bodies and our lives, when we're really not sure it will help at all.  And now I'm just rambling, not sure what to say or think about anything, but I'm glad to have wonderful women like you around!  

 xo 

DesignerMom

NYC mom-  I'm glad you and BF were able to talk.  It sounds like he really cares and wants to help.  I'm so glad you have insurance.  Just a tip about insurance.  I have had my own business for years, therefore was constantly changing insurance companies and doctors too.  I finally realized that the practices associated with hospitals usually take all or most insurances.  As the hospitals take every insurance, their private clinics usually do too.  That's how I ended up at SLR in NYC.  If you call and tell them your insurance, they will tell you which of their doctors accepts it.  Again, with your history, I would not necessarily accept an ultrasound as final proof.  I think you would be wise to get a second opinion from an expert.  Good luck!

NYCMOM3

Thanks again!  I've been without insurance for so long, and am grateful to have it again.  I've always made sure my daughter was covered and have lived in a bit of fear - finally took a low paying job to supplement my freelance work and they have a great insurance plan - worth the low pay for now!  I think I will start bugging the doc's office mid week for an answer on the sono and will ask if I can get a second opinion elsewhere - they're pretty nice about stuff like this and hopefully they'll help me navigate a bit (of course I'll make sure all the pre-approvals and what not are in place too!) I have yet to meet my new, new doctor but have spoken on the phone with her.  She seems very nice and I think will be easy to work with on all of this.  I am hoping that they will order maybe a biopsy, the lump is very palpable. 

 Thanks again! As for the BF, he's very stubborn, as am I.  But he does care. Sometimes too much, to the point where I don't want to talk because he will not just listen, but want to solve something for me.  I'm hoping he'll get the hint that I only need support right now.  If I need help looking into hospitals and docs, I know he'll be thrilled to help, but for now, I just need an ear.

xo 

DesignerMom

NYCMOM-  You sound like you are thinking clearly.  The one thing I would say is tune in to your gut feeling and do NOT doubt it, no matter what doctors say.  If you feel you need a biopsy, find a doctor who agrees.  When I found my lump, though I was hoping for the best, I just sort of knew, deep down inside.  As for BF, I say use his nature to your advantage.  Ask him to do the things you don't want to.  He'll be happy and you will too!  If you have any questions or need feedback, feel free to PM me, I don't always check all threads.