So Alone

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SpunkyGirl
SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
edited June 2014 in Stage III Breast Cancer

I guess this is just an opportunity to complain, or rant, or whatever you want to call it!  First, let me say that I am so thankful to be here almost four years later and NED that I know of.  But, gosh, it has been a hard four years.  My DH is hanging in there with his brain cancer (it's been seven years), but he sleeps all the time, and when he is up, he's just there-watches TV or plays games on the computer.  I know he's just not capable of more, but it's so hard.  A few weeks ago, he was going through some severe back pain and ended up using a walker.  He also fell twice in the middle of the night (this was two separate nights) and blacked his eye, had several abrasions on his head, and wet himself on the second fall.  I was sleeping with one of the boys and didn't hear it.  I found him two hours later (he managed to make it to bed) and had to clean him up.  Some days it's just too much.  I don't know why I bother to workout most days and take care of myself when everything is falling apart around me.  I have the fall thing under control because he can now ring for me if he needs to go to the bathroom, but it's just too much.

Honestly, I know it could get worse.  Some days I feel like crap and I worry that the cancer is back, but I think it's mostly stress.  I'm doing the best I can, but it doesn't feel like enough.  And right now, I have to go because the boys are in here fighting at my feet!  No rest for the weary....

Love

Bobbie

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  • hrf
    hrf Member Posts: 3,225
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie, so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It must be very hard for you to take care of kids and a sick hubby in addition to trying to take care of yourself.

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  • Leah_S
    Leah_S Member Posts: 8,458
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie, I wish there was a way for me to share your burden. I can't help, but I can send love.

    Leah

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited August 2010

    (((((HUGS!)))))

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  • SunnyCoconut
    SunnyCoconut Member Posts: 350
    edited August 2010

    I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.  You sound so frustrated and you need a break.  Is there any family that can give you a day or two break? 

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  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited August 2010

    Can you get some help? Home health to come in for a couple hours a day (or a week anyway)? Family or friends who would be willing to come visit your husband on a regular basis to give you need a break, just to go out for a walk by yourself, or shopping or coffee with friends.....whatever would be refreshing and enjoyable for you. Make a little time for yourself; it's not being selfish, you need to so that you can cope all the rest of the time. All my best. Ruth

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  • KerryMac
    KerryMac Member Posts: 3,529
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the strength it takes for you to get through every day.

    I wish there was something more concrete I could do for you. But know we are all here for you, whenever you need a friendly ear. ((((hugs))))

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  • Pure
    Pure Member Posts: 1,796
    edited August 2010

    I wish I lived near you so I could help:) You need to reach out and get some help or just a break. I get the same way where I am just pissed at what life has brought my way.I am sorry !1 Hugs!

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited August 2010

    Awww, girls, I can feel the love.  I do get a lot of help, and I know I'm lucky in that way.  I know there are so many out there going through what I'm going through without the means that I have.  I only work three days a week, and I have home healthcare in the am and hospice in the pm those days.  But I do a lot of extra work at home on the computer, and I feel like I'm really spreading myself thin between the boys, DH, the house (it's needs work) and and my work life.  I know we all have that. 

    I saw something on the internet about how our school system is making strides, and it talked about funds for homeless kids.  I just want to cry when I feel down because I know there are so many out there who have it harder than I do. 

    I've found the best way to get through these periods is to take the day as it is and make the best of it, and to not dwell on what is or what was.  I'm usually pretty good at that!

    Love to you all!
    Bobbie

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  • caaclark
    caaclark Member Posts: 936
    edited August 2010

    I am also sorry you are going through this.  I agree with trying to find a way to get a break.  It is not selfish to do so.  Getting a break will give you a chance to regroup.  Would a home health aid be an option for you?

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  • Bugs
    Bugs Member Posts: 1,719
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie,

    First off, {{{hugs}}}! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Adding you to the top of my prayer list.  I'm glad you have some home health and hospice help for the days that you work.  Just remember that having somebody come in and help so you can work does NOT give you a much needed break. I know this may be hard to arrange, but can you get somebody to come in for a weekend  so you  can get away for some down time?  Tell your closest BFFs that you need a girls weekend. 

    To your comment that there are so many people that have it worse.  Yes, you are right and sometimes that helps put things into perspective.  But, your pain is your pain and that doesn't make it any less important than somebody elses.

    Love ya, girly.

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  • JacquelineG
    JacquelineG Member Posts: 282
    edited August 2010

    Hang in there Bobbie! I too wish I could help. But if virtual love and hugs help, you got 'em!!

    Jackie

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  • Mamita49
    Mamita49 Member Posts: 538
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie, even from far away, I will send you al my love to you.........

    I think about you, and wish I could give a a helping hand.

    So sorry to be far......

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  • diana50
    diana50 Member Posts: 2,134
    edited August 2010

    dear bobbie

    i just wanted to offer my support...and cyber hugs. this life sometimes is just so hard....i know some days seem so unbearable...and then there is some light at the end of the tunnel. hang in there and know people have your back. blessings and comfort your way**

    diana

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  • DCMom
    DCMom Member Posts: 624
    edited August 2010

    OH Bobbie,

     I just saw this and so wish I could remove some of the burden.  You are such a strong person and have been such a help to so many people here.  Your kids will look at you one day in awe of how strong you were through this process and you should find strength in knowing how much of a difference you are making in their lives and in your DH's life.  Although that certainly doesn't make it any easier. 

    Wishing you rainbows amongst these clouds.

    Susan

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  • lexi4
    lexi4 Member Posts: 1,074
    edited August 2010

    Dear Bobbie,

    You do so much. I cannot imagine not having down days. Please know that your love and kindness are wonderful. You are a great wife and mom. Keep doing your workouts and taking as good of care of yourself as you can. You deserve it.

    Hugs and Prayers,

    Lexi

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited August 2010

    Thanks again, girls, for the kind thoughts and cyber hugs.  They mean a lot to me, and I feel better already.  Dave is doing better and feeling less pain, and that's a blessing.

    Love

    Bobbie

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited August 2010

    (((((((((((((((((((((Bobbie)))))))))))))))...I agree with whoever said that maybe help so you can have a little R and R...a little "me" time....you have a lot on your plate and you are so allowed to complain, whine, vent and whatever else you want...be sure to take care of  yourself....

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  • kimber3006
    kimber3006 Member Posts: 586
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie, you amaze me - your strength and spirit are just incredible.  I agree with the others, help so you can work is great, but a little help for a real break away from it all, just to relax and do what makes you happy, just for you, sounds in order.  I'll be praying for you!

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  • jenn3
    jenn3 Member Posts: 3,316
    edited August 2010

    ((((HUGS))))) Sometimes we need a break from the things that life throws at us and I have to say you are amazing.  You must have the shoulders the size of a football player to handle everything that you do. 

    I know that when we're at our wits end, feeling mentally and physically drained is when we feel alone, surrounded by friends and family.  I sure hope that you're feeling better mentally and physcially today.  If you're still feeling a little down, follow these instructions 1. eat a piece of chocoate, 2. drink a glass of wine and if that doesn't work repeat steps one and two.

    love ya'  (((hugs))) Jenn

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  • billmomson
    billmomson Member Posts: 10
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie-sending you some love and hugs...You are one tough and strong woman. In spite of everything that is going on for you you still have a great spirit. I think thats inspiring.

    Like so many others, I wish there was something I could do to help you or at least give you a real hug! Just know that you are sent much love and hugs!

    Mary Ann

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  • clariceak
    clariceak Member Posts: 752
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie - like others have said, I wish we could do something to lift your burden. I hope you can feel our love and support.

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  • AsiaYM
    AsiaYM Member Posts: 2,216
    edited August 2010

    Bobbie- I am so sorry about what you are going through.  May your angel guide you and show you a way to more better days. Hugs,

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  • SpunkyGirl
    SpunkyGirl Member Posts: 1,568
    edited August 2010

    Girlfriends,

    It's funny how these diseases are like riding a rollercoaster-some days you're up, and some days you're down.  Honestly, your posts just make me feel like I can do this, and I'm humbled that you guys think I'm doing this well.  Thanks for being there for me!
    Love

    Bobbie

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  • 3jaysmom
    3jaysmom Member Posts: 4,266
    edited August 2010

    i am so sorry for all youre going through, and what you face each day with all of yur family. no matter how sick i am, or DH is, i meet my best girlfreind for lunch one day every week. its better than my therapy; which also helps a great deal.it has changed how i look at life, in general. remember that stress is the thing we have to handle the best; with cancer. that means no matter who or what, you have to take care of yourself first. keep up with the workouts..they improve our odds tremendosly! remember that there is strength in numbers, dont even TRY to do thiss alone.add me to the list of people praying for all of yur family.but mainly, you. you are the cog tht turns your families wheel. make sure you love you, and treart you as well, or better, than everyone else.    light and love,  3jaysmom

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