I'm Afraid to Be Happy Anymore

YramAL

I'm Afraid to Be Happy Anymore

YramAL

Hi-I was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer last December. I've had a lumpectomy and radiation and I now take Tamoxifen, and as far as I and my doctors are concerned, I am cancer free at this point.My problem is this-I am afraid to be happy anymore. My life was going along pretty smoothly and I was pretty happybefore my breast cancer diagnosis last December. Then as I'm sure you're all aware, everything sort of fell apart for awhile. I realize as far as breast cancer goes, I had it much easier than a lot of people, but it was still very stressful.Well, I finished my treatment in April and my husband and I went to Disneyland and had a great time. We returned home to the news from my sister-in-law that she had breast cancer and was having a double mastectomy. She's now doing very well, but it was very stressful for her and us before she got her treatment plan in place.This afternoon, I got a call from my best friend in the whole world. She lives many states away from me, and I miss her every day. She just had a suspicious mammogram and ultrasound and is scheduled for a biopsy next week. While I realize that everything that happens isn't just about me, I am afraid to be happy anymore. It seems like everytime I am, something else happens. Thank you for listening.Mary 

Medigal

Mary, my attitude about life is a bit abnormal but it helps me survive.  I know as long as I am alive I will be inundated with problems about myself or my loved ones.  If you read the depresssing news or watch tv, you will see that misery is abundant all over the world. So.....I do my best to survive each day and take care of my loved ones. If the day ends up a happy day I am very grateful. If it doesn't I will probably pray for strength to face the problems and just hope tomorrow will be better.  I guess I don't really expect a lot of "happy" days with all the problems we all have to face.  I am just so grateful when once in a while a good day does happen for me and those I love.

YramAL

Medigal-

I try to live that way as well-it just seems right now that when I am happy, it makes the following bad times seem worse because I didn't see them coming.

My dad's motto is "Expect the worst-then you'll never be disappointed." I don't want to be that way, but I am starting to be that way.

Mary 

dlb823

Mary ~ No doubt a bc dx & tx can really pull the rug out from under our secure, happy worlds.  And I think a lot of the time, we're so busy focusing on getting through tx, that we don't fully deal with the sadness, loss & fear that goes along with what's happening to us.  Then, when our tx is over, everyone expects us to be the way we were before this all happened -- but we're not.  We've experienced a life-altering illness, and we need time to work through the emotions that go along with that. 

One of the things that helped me was talking to the psychologists where I had my tx.  They gave me some really good insight and coping strategies to deal with my concerns about moving on.  Perhaps you could call and see if there's someone like that where you were treated that you could talk to now?  What you're describing won't be new to them.  Some places offer whole seminars dedicated to regaining our lives after breast cancer.  I also started walking after rads to rebuild my body, and while I initially did it strictly for the physical benefits, it's also been a tremendous help to me emotionally.  You need endorphines to feel happy, and you need exercise to create endorphines.  So, in addition to giving me time to think about and really process what had happened to me, walking also creates those endorphines.  Another great mood lifter for me is music.  It's hard to feel down when you're blasting music that makes you feel happy.  And one more thing I try to do is to pay attention to what I think might make me happy and follow those thoughts and urges -- a call to a friend... a bright bunch of sunflowers... a new lipstick.  I consciously act on the thoughts that give me a lift and make me feel happy.  

It's good that you're aware of your feelings and want to change, and I think it will get better with time.  It just takes awhile -- longer than anyone ever tells us going into this journey.   (((Hugs)))  Deanna

YramAL

Thank you Deanna. I have had depression before-about 3 years ago-it was triggered by a stressful family event.I was on medication and went to a therapist for about 6 months, and after about a year, I was able to wean myself off of the medication. Perhaps I am heading that way again. I was feeling so good this past year before my diagnosis, and I made it through surgery and treatment with a positive attitude and now, 4 months post rads, I'm beginning to think it's some sort of PSTD.

I will give my oncologist's office a call on Monday. He had already told me this might happen-I was feeling so positive at my last visit in June I just wasn't ready to believe it.

Mary