What do you say when people get back in touch with you?

Kitchenwitch

I'm sure we've all faced this at one time or another, but I just got an email from someone I haven't been in touch with for a while. What do you say when a casual acquaintance says, Hi! How are you? And you know they kind of expect an ordinary answer in return. 

I don't know why I feel so reluctant to say, I have stage 0 breast cancer and could lose my breast. How are things with you? But I do. On the other hand I don't feel right saying everything is fine. Should I just allude vaguely to health problems? I guess one issue I'm having is that since spring of '09 my husband and I have had one worriesome situation after another -- a cascade of difficulties and challenges, any one of which we could handle but all together have us just reeling.

At the moment I feel like any more sympathy would kill me. I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me. I'm also aware that DCIS is not stage 3 or 4.

So... what do you say when people ask how you are, when you haven't been in touch?

Leah_S

Hmmm.... well, maybe send a chatty, vague reply. If the correspondence continues, then you can decide how much to say. If not, you're "covered", you've been polite and friendly.

Let's face it, if you send an email to someone you hven't seen in ages and ask,  "How are you?" you're not expecting anything drastic in the way of news, just a friendly reply.

Leah

Deirdre1

How about "I've been dx'ed with early stage breast cancer and I'm a bit purplexed yet feeling optimistic because it was caught early"  that's sort of what I said.. but you're right Leah, if you haven't heard from them in awhile they probably expect an answer like "I'm fine" but honestly are  you "fine"..  If you don't want to be consoled something like "I'm OK -  just dealing with life" and hope they don't ask any more.. there are many ways to address this and it really does depend on what you might want or need from them.. If it is the DCIS that is muddling your response - and I have to admit I did have my days when I was first dx'ed - you're going to have to figure out what DCIS means to you and then you will feel more confident with your decisions and your interactions with others.. Best, Deirdre

Bugs

I think Leah is right.  If you continue to stay in touch, then you can open up a bit more about your health.  Good luck!

grdnslve

how about 'omg, how wonderful to hear from you!'  then just go on to ask whats been going on in their life, or about mutual friends, etc. 

we seem to be so programed to honestly answer a question, even though that question is just a polite nicety.  i am a firm believer in the polite evasion.  fact is, everyone you love & trust will already know, and anyone else - well, it really isn't any of their business.

Kitchenwitch

If this were facebook, I'd click "likes this." Thanks. I think starting off bland is a good lead -- if she and I stay in touch I'll open up more and frame it the way Deirdre suggests.

Medigal

Whether they are past acquaintances or family, I have the same reply to all "I'm surviving as usual. How are "you" doing"?  I don't discuss bc with any one unless they are close family and bring it up first because they already found out about it some other time.  I have given instructions to my partner that he is not to discuss it with any one either.  The only people I want to know about it are those who can help me survive it or cope with it.  My physician and you gals basically.  Otherwise, why waste my time listening to people "trying" to make me feel better.  I prefer to go about my life as the person I was before bc entered my life and once outsiders know they seem to treat you in a different way, at least in my case.  I will NOT give bc that power over my life!

almagetty

Medigal: I LOVE that reply! "Surviving as usual." I will be using that a lot.

When I was first diagnosed, I told everyone that I came across about my bc dx. It was all just so close to the surface. As time has gone by, I've come to see things a lot like you do. I tell people details on an "as needed" basis. There are some things that I just discuss with my husband now. 

retrievermom

I initiated a contact recently by email, and genuinely wanted to hear of the couple's son's college choice, graduation, etc.  It seemed wrong not to mention my own "medical issues," in a reply, but I didn't want to lead off with it.  I constructed something to the effect that I'd been diagnosed, through a bunch of tx, but was feeling much better now.  That's really what folks want to hear, except for those who understand bc, and these weren't close friends.  Sometimes, to how are you, I just say "getting by," or "trudging along," and drop it there.

Kitchenwitch

Medigal: *like* - what a good response. Thanks!

Retrievemom - I'm hanging in there. Got it.

I wrote to my friend; didn't say anything; can definitely leave it for a future conversation if we continue staying in touch.

Beesie

Medigal, my philosophy on this is the same as yours.  I told people about my diagnosis on a "need to know" basis.  I told only those closest to me whose help I would need and a handful of other friends whose help and support I wanted, and nobody else.  I don't consider any other health issues to be anyone's business, so why should this be? 

cary1

I would probably not have told anyone at work (except my boss) and very few people out of work if chemotherapy hadn't been necessary and the hair thing blew my cover (heh, so to speak). In some ways I wish so much that this had remained a private matter. Along with the discomforts of surgery, chemo, and radiation, the discomfort of being an object of curiosity just made things worse. Rereading your question, I guess I would agree with the polite evasion. You don't owe a casual acquaintance a full account of your life. So unless it would do you good to tell, I wouldn't.

NSWTD

I would only make some general comment unless you truly want to tell them your medical history.  I am in the camp of tell only those you want. I have told only two family members and three friends.  That's it and I am totally ok with this approach. 

 I didn't want others feeling sorry for me, didn't want any potential discrimination at work, didn't want to hear about my dentist's/friend's/aunt's/etc....friend of a friend who had this cancer or that cancer, etc.  My SIL has told me several stories that somehow always lead to a situation where in her mind someone should have told about their BC. If she does this one more time, I may have to disown her......

 Best of luck toyou 

NSWTD

roseg

I too avoid discussing my DCIS because of the tendency for people to bring out horror stories. One gal from work sent me a linkfor some videos from a faith healer.  Hey - I'm no fan of doctors but I'll take a surgeon over a faith healer for DCIS.

Unless you are headed to surgery or treatment at the moment they talk with you (or you have no hair) then I think holding off on revealing your medical problems is warranted.

KeukaMaid

I told some people that I was having a "procedure" and would be in the hospital overnight but that I decided not to discuss it with anyone other than immediate family.  Also, I haven't told acquaintances anything at all because I figure it's not their business. So far this has worked for me.  People will respect your privacy.

Leah_S

An old friend who we hadn't been in touch with for a few years was in Israel recently. We met for coffee. Nope, "that subject" just didn't come up.

Leah