casual sex

february_girl

Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wasn't the type of girl to have casual sex.

I recently met a man who I hardly know at all but in the short time that I've known him, I decided that he's not marriage material for me. And knowing that, I still had sex with him. I'm not over-analyzing what I've done and giving myself a break after all I've been through so much, I just want to have a little fun. Please tell me that I've done nothing wrong. This is the second guy now after the breast cancer diagnosis that I've had casual sex with. I want to find a man for long term but something inside me just says live in the day, live in the moment, don't make sacrifices waiting until I find Mr. Right. Please someone tell me that what I'm doing is normal and ok. If not normal then I will seek counselling.

ananda8

If the two men were on the same day, I'd say you might have a problem.   

Seriously, people who are smacked with diseases like cancer go through some rough emotional times.  I think you are probably feeling very alone and afraid. Perhaps a support group would be the thing for you.

You haven't done anything wrong but use sex as a way to dull fear.  I hope you can work through this.  Best wishes for you.

Claire_in_Seattle

As long as you are taking HIV precautions, I see no reason not to.  I especially get the need to feel attractive post diagnosis.  BC is a major assault on one's sexuality and sense of identity as a woman.

I have someone in my life, but have to prove the same thing via sports endurance events.  (Other than some of the times with Main Squeeze, that is.)  So I just did the Seattle-to-Portland Bicycle Classic.  I have done this before, but this time affirmed who I am as a healthy, vital woman.

Suspect your needs are similar.

BTW - I don't think the men will think any less of you and who knows???????

Hopefloats41725

You are responding, "Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I wasn't the type of girl to have casual sex."  My answer, you are losing yourself!  If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.  I want you to get a grip on yourself and remember, you don't want to be like everyone else, you don't want to lower yourself down to their level.  God made you special and you need to respect what He wants you to be.  Have patience, stand in faith that God will bless you with the right soulmate.  I know that this cancer is really rough, I am on my 5th out of 8 treatments.  Had someone special, only a pass was made, he broke up with me and it hurts like heck!  But you know, us girls all have a future, just hold on.  It is hard, but we are worth it.  Tell those guys that you were sorry that you weren't thinking right, but you are holding on for better things.  Life is what YOU make it!  Make it special.  God's love never fails, just walk in obedience and He will supply all your needs! 

lisa-e

imo, casual sex is pretty normal and okay. You are an adult and not harming anyone. Make sure you are taking precuations against HIV and pregnancy (unless you want to get pregnant - doesn't seem likely that you would want to if the realtionships are causual). Enjoy yourself. Gheez, I wish my libido wasn't in the pits and I wanted to have sex - any kind, causual or not.



Hope, I think your post was out of line. February Girl didn't ask for a lecture, just if what she is doing is normal.

Chevyboy

lisa-e is right...so are most of the other gals!  Man, I am older than any of you, I'll bet, & I STILL want to feel like a woman, & be appreciated!  I also know that your head, & your heart, do not listen to each other...& sometimes a girl is gonna do what a girl is gonna do!   Just don't "feel bad"......after.   I did that once, when I was just a young pup, & it makes you feel  like you cheated yourself.  If you feel "love"  or something equivalent, or even desire for each other, then that's how life works.   Just care about yourself...& others....  And you don't want to build a wall around yourself either.     You are only normal girl.....don't beat yourself up.... You WILL be special to someone!  And you are right...."Live in the moment"....but don't drink too much!  That sort of changes our way of thinking.

She

February Girl, you haven't done anything wrong.  Having BC changes things.  You didn't say you picked a guy up in a bar and bedded him, you knew him well enough to know he isn't marriage material.  Like the other ladies said, be sure to take precautions and don't put yourself at risk.  You know in your own heart what you can live with and what you can't.   IMHO you don't need counselling or a lecture.

I know I'm way older than you and probably everyone else on this thread.  I'm single and it is highly unlikely I'll ever marry again.  If I listen to Hope I'll be a dried up miserable old lady and I don't remember ever signing up for a cloister.   People shouldn't try to impose their religious beliefs on others Hope.  Just because we'd like to enjoy some sexy times after going through the traumatic experience of BC it doesn't mean we're losing or disrespecting ourselves.

LtotheK

Why is it women get accused of losing themselves when they partake of sex?  Sex is also good for you, especially with all the issues relating to post-BC health.  If it is mutual, and you feel it is not a betrayal of your moral values, it shouldn't be questioned.  At all.  And also recognize that your ideas around this may change day-to-day, week-to-week, and that's okay, too!

Makratz

Go for it!  Have fun!  AND BE SAFE!!!!  You have done nothing wrong.

sweatyspice

FebruaryGirl - In my opinion what you are doing is normal and OK, I do not believe you need counseling..  I think your reaction is far healthier than mine, which is more along the lines of "I'm never having sex again."  And frankly, I wish I'd had more casual sex throughout my life.

pickle

OMG....I love your topic! Good for you! Bravo! Enjoy your life.

There is nothing wrong with it and don't feel bad or guilty about it. If you start to feel guilty just close your eyes and really feel how wonderful it was...in those moments... to be closely connected with another human being. We all need a little Human Touch (Lucky you ...sex with no strings attached...lol)   Lots of women that don't have BC have casual sex.  Play safe, Live Life and have fun!

Chevyboy

You guys, this is great!  About time someone admitted to being only human, with desires!  And there ain't nothin' wrong with that!  I hate when someone tries to talk down to me, or correct me, or otherwise "scold" me....at my age....almost 73, I don't want that, or need it!   What was that saying about a "glass house?"  We are here to help & support each other....And actually I DO believe in God, but I know a lot of women just don't want to be preached to! 

And that WAS funny, notself!   That remark was great!  "2 men in one day?"  Hah!  I've been married for almost 53 years, & we can always laugh at each other, & just have fun!    But that was a fun thought!!!!!!!!!      

franie

Life is short whether you have BC or not. Be very careful, be safe, protect yourself and enjoy life.  

february_girl

thank you everyone for your responses

I feel the need to address hopefloats:

1. I haven't lost myself at all! I believe that I've found something wonderful -- the desire to please myself before others for a change! Do you know how it has taken for me to finally get here? I feel like a different woman maybe that's why I feel a strangeness about what I've done. I've never done anything for me before.

2. I believe in God and I have faith that should I seek forgiveness for anything I do wrong in life, then God will forgive me. I am a good person and if you've read an earlier thread that I posted way back in January, you would learn that I was actually a virgin until age 40. That's right! After the breast cancer diagnosis and treatments, I decided that I wanted to lose my virginity and I did. The God that I believe in would forgive me if I've made any mistakes when it comes to sex.

I should point out that in pursuing pleasure for myself, I did take precautions re: safe sex and avoiding pregnancy.

Chevyboy

February Girl, you ROCK!!!!!!!!  Ain't nothin' wrong with you kid!  You know, being diagnosed with Breast Cancer is just about the worst thing that happens to us...And in those few hours after hearing the news, we are just falling apart inside.  I know our Husbands, or family will be there with us, but we are suffering so much, being scared to death! 

And to come out the "other side" of the diagnosis, surgery, treatments, is only the beginning to rebuild our mental lives.  Reaching out to someone is admirable!  We ALL want to feel "whole" again.  Whether you are single or married, sex is still important.  It is a natural as seeing a sun-rise!     Looks to me as if you have a lot of catching up to do!  Hang in there February!

february_girl

why thank you chevyboy!

when I reached out to this man for sex it was almost like I was on auto-pilot and like something inside me just needed to feel "whole" again as you say... that's a great way of describing it... that sex is as natural as seeing a sunrise... the whole experience felt so natural and beautiful to me... but this auto-pilot feeling was what had concerned me... I thought that feeling was supposed to go away at some point after all I've been through the worst of the treatments and I've been adapting to the "new normal"... but I'm beginning to think that there will always be some part of me on auto-pilot because breast cancer is a bitch...

Claire_in_Seattle

Dear February Girl.....

I never lost it.  No NEVER, even when I was getting hammered by chemo.  True, I had days when I didn't exactly "go for it", but I always managed.  It was that important.

And yes the experience is "natural and beautiful".  Still is.

Nice though, to have my energy back   Because I am your basic greedhead for "Os".  Just go for it and don't look back.  Good luck.

Hopefloats41725

My apologies February Girl, that is, I didn't mean to make you feel less at all.  Yes, God does forgive.  I hurt twenty four seven, when I think of the man that was almost mine.  It has almost been four months.   He made the first pass, nothing happened, just a touch.  Then he touched my reconstructed left breast, felt the stitches and he broke up with me.  He made me feel less, when all I wanted was to have him think of me as his future wife.  I feel very decieved, when all he did before was build me up mentally to be his wife, the step mother of his children.  What is funny is we were JUST ALIKE in everyway, except he turned out not sharing (as he portrayed to be).  Good luck to you and God Bless!  You are very important, as is all of us women!  I just can't believe even a Godly man (as he portrayed) can deceive us women. 

hrf

February_girl, you seem perfectly normal to me. Enjoy yourself, practice safe sex, and feel good. No one is passing judgement on you. Good that you can enjoy yourself.

Hope, I had bmx (following 2nd dx of bc) and the man who had been part of my life abandoned me when he had promised to stay with me and help me through this. Men can be very cruel.

She

Hope Floats, I am sorry for your pain.  I hope you are able to move past this bad experience.  Sadly, many men who portray themselves as "Godly" are quite the opposite.  Instead of looking for a "Godly" man, seek a good man.  At our age most are divorced vs single and if they've never married beware, there is usually a good reason lurking just below the surface!  Seek a man who has a good relationship with his children and his family.  A man who has long term friendships with people who are kind, considerate and respectful.  A man who has the respect of his co-workers.  A man who will go out of his way to do good turns, exhibits human kindness and does not anger easily.  A man who loves animals, and whom animals love.  Animals are amazing judges of human character!  The man I've described IMHO is a Godly man, even if he never attends church.  A man who is willing to serve others with no expectations of a return, and who will help a stranger in need (again, just MHO) is a far better man than one who burries his head in a Bible and preaches rather than acts.  I mean no disrespect to anyone of any religion, my thoughts here are simply based on my own life's experience.  And remember, Love has a funny way of finding us when we least expect it!  My best to you, She 

Chevyboy

You guys, I don't even know why I am on this thread, but it seemed like you were reaching out for "help" or assurance that you were normal.  I've been married a gazillion years...but I do know how it feels to be "lonely, feel un-attractive & unwanted!"  Believe me, a Husband can do that to you too.  I have seen my Daughters go through life, with their concerns. 

Hope....I have read some of your posts, & I know what you were going through.  You have lost your heart & soul to this man....but it sounds like now, that you are dragging yourself up out of that hole!   "She".... is so right....No matter WHO this guy is, the "right" guy would never make you feel unwanted or hurt.  I know he is "a man of God"....but honey, that doesn't make him any better than a man like She talks about.  Maybe you were reading too much into the "signs" he gave you.  There was really no commitment there for you.  I think it is possible, that because he is involved in the same church as you, that you took that as a "sign" that he must be yours.   There is a lot more to this "pairing up" than that!  Sometimes we HAVE to be careful about what we wish for, because.....we might get it!   It takes a lot of time to "know" another person!  We just can't have them, because we want them.  Even if they pursue YOU, that doesn't make them "right" for you.  I am so glad that you have taken the time to step back, & give yourself time... to really "see" & feel what this has done to you!    For awhile there, I thought you were going to hang on to this man, no matter WHAT!   You are so fortunate that your "relationship" didn't go any further!  You would have felt bonded to this man forever!   And he, might, or might not have felt the same way! 

A woman just wants to feel loved, if even for the moment.  You don't need to marry the guy just because you want to feel loved, or have sex.    We can get so wrapped up in our beliefs that it consumes us....and totally changes our way of thinking!    It's very special that you are as deeply involved in your religion as you are....but life has a way of going on, without following your expectations.   Someday you "might" find the right man....or maybe you won't.  My youngest Daughter was married once for a short time, then divorced many years ago.  I look up to her!  She is totally independant, happy, has her 2 cats, 30 years with a great company, & life has been very good to her!  She just recently met a "high-school sweetheart" that broke her heart when they were kids!  They have been "together sort of" for about 8 months!  They "love" each other, but they both like their own life as it is!   They broke up once, sort of, but are back together again, at least for now.... He is NOT all she wants him to be....but they can be "more than friends!"  And  sleeping with him, probably gives them both fulfillment & ....peace.  It is only natural. 

Hope dear....no-one will punish you if you think you might "do something wrong."    It is in your own mind, that you expect this sort of pay-back.    This man never promised you anything....You misunderstood your own heart, & your head.   But now, you can see life without him, & you are on your way to becoming the woman you WANT to be.  You don't NEED anybody....just us friends here on this site!    Best wishes to you! 

Hopefloats41725

I am addressing this first to february_ girl, we are sorry we kind of took your message board to cheer up Hopefloats41725.  Believe me, the way some of these men have treated us, is an additonal pain.  I am walking around right now with the after effect of the 5th of 8th chemo treatment and working fourty hours a week.  This is my fifth day, swelled up, all my joints hurting.  My fingernails (and toenails) on day two and three, felt like they were going to rip themselves off, couldn't even touch warm water.  They say I have to have three more of these treatments.  The depression of having to walk around bald, your eyelashes and eyebrows falling out and the humiliation of how men have treated us, seems to make us feel like we are in a pit.  We all need to feel special.  I hated to read this message board once again, but glad that I did.  Becauses hrf, She & Chevyboy has made me feel much better, I know everyone has been reaching out to you.  I came online this time to actually delete all my postings and call it quits, feeling like I wasn't helping anyone and that maybe I shouldn't be on here anymore.  There is a lot of different personalities and I felt alone in mine.  But with hrf, She & Chevboy they have inspired me to feel not so alone anymore.  I am glad we are all backing each other up and have someone to talk to.

hrf - I understand, my guy (then) was with me throughout the entire mastectomy, then boom they dessert us.  Hope the right guy comes into OUR lives and we don't miss them.   

She- just want to say, when you were speaking to me, you described the man all the way that hurt me so much!  Described him all the way down to the Bible, preaching and christian act.  I read somewhere in the bible to "Trust no man" and I believe it even means.....our preacher man also.  Thank you for your support.  You are right an animal can designate the good and the fake!

Chevyboy - None of your words to me were wasted.  I appreciate all your thoughtfulness and advice. The man I was talking about, may not of promised anything, but he sure built up the dreams of marriage and the step mother of his children.  I know there is one other verse that says, "Love doesn't hurt".  One thing I thought was really weird during the breakup was, "I sure built his ego up and made HIM feel better about himself".  Gee, what they leave us with.  Yes, I am trying to drag myself up out of the hole, sure feel like a fool.  None of us need a one sided relationship, just hang on girls!  Congradulations on your daughter and her high school bo, it'll work out, we need grandchildren!!!!  Thank you for being here, you give great advice!

   

Chevyboy

Thank you Hope......That's all we gotta do, is try & help each other, & when someone is hurting, from a different matter, we are here for that also!  

I know what it is like to feel an all consuming "love"....or is it "desire" that we feel?   And sometimes, our own mind & heart kind of "just take off" on it's own!"....We build "our" relationship on "signs" that we get from these men.  Our HOPE is for these feelings never to change.....And we become "addicted" to these beautiful feelings.  We believe them to be "true".......Some of us are very fortunate to get to step back, & look into these feelings....before they go on with them!  We want our "man" to feel the same way WE do.....but it doesn't work like that.   And honestly, there is always a reason for that.....and if you can open your eyes to what is going on, which you did, then you can see that life goes on!  You don't NEED anybody! 

If you ever get a chance to read "The Power of Now".....it can explain a lot of our feelings better than you can imagine!  The author is Eckhart Tolle....It is an amazing insightful book.  Sometimes we "interpret" words that we  read, & we can believe them to mean "just for us"..  But you have to have enough confidence in yourself to believe that you can actually come through this on your own.   What you are going through with your treatment is mind-altering!  You just need the belief that you will come out of all of this even stronger.  

And actually my Daughter will probably never marry this guy....because she is 48, & he is about the same, with a grown family, that he isn't very close to!  So a lot of things going on there, that aren't all "marriage material"...Ha!  In fact, she just called & said that another friend of her Sisters came over for dinner, & her "co-worker" that youngest Daughter has been with before &after dinner,  they went out....."Had a great time"....she said!    We have 2 Daughters, one 48, & one 51!  The oldest one lives in another State now, with my Grandsons & her Husband, & youngest Daughter is visiting right now!    I guess a point I am trying to make, is that you  can be friends  with lots of men!  And care for them all in different ways!    We "love" people in different ways.  And it's all natural, & only normal.

ANYway.....as you will learn, sometimes things work out, & sometimes they won't!  But we survive!  Just don't pin all your hopes on one person....ever.   We make ourselves happy, or sad.

February girl..........  I honestly hope that you can learn from some of us gals, that have "been there & done that".......You sound like you have it all together....The right emotions & enough self-confidence to go on with your life!  We always GOTTA feel like desirable women.... And even me!.....I am almost 73....and I STILL want to feel....like a woman.   Our confidence has to come from within.....not from someone else....but it sure helps, when we can HEAR it from someone else   So now that I got you gals straightened up, I'll go on....(just kidding!)......Make your day beautiful! xoxoxoxoxo

She

Hope my dear, I want you to put your hands up in front of you - with the palms towards your face.  Now, cross your arms so  you can link your thumbs together.  Gently wave your fingers back and forth like they are a butterfly flying, do this while you let your hands and arms rise above your head.  As you stretch your arms upwards to their limit, let your thumbs separate and open your arms wide, with your face turned upwards as well.  This is the physical movement for letting go of your emotional pain.  You are sending it upwards to a higher power.  Please try this when you feel sadness or despair.  It is time to let go of that man, and what you believed would be.  As you draw strength through your feet, from the good earth you will feel your own power return and you will be free.  You have learned the lesson of caution, take it with you and leave 'feeling like a fool' in the past with the baggage that was the man.  When we feel pain as deeply as you obviously do, it affects our physical beings as well as our hearts.  The physical movement of "letting it go" can do the heart wonders.

When one is in the middle of treatment, it can feel like it will never end.  It will.  What helped me to emotionally adjust was to look at this treatment time period in relation to the span of my entire life.  Viewing it in this manner made me realize it really is only the blink of an eye, even though it seems like forever. 

Have to run...

february_girl

hopefloats, no worries at all about discussing the man who hurt you on this thread... I'm very sorry to hear about the pain he caused you but chevyboy is right you will come out of all this even stronger... as did I... I, too, was hurt by a man while I was going through my treatments... that man and I no longer speak... even though he had promised to always be my friend and that he wanted to be there for me during my treatments... and even when he was there, he wasn't really there for me if you know what I mean... he was a selfish man... and I thought that I had deep feelings for him... and the hurt he caused was the worst I had ever experienced... but I got through it and I got past it and when I think back on the time I spent with that man, I know that I am better off without him... he was not a good man... and I deserve better than how he treated me... he told me that he didn't want me in his life and he said these words knowing that I had one chemo treatment left to get through... that hurt like hell... and I asked myself "who does that?"... I had to seek out counselling after the hurt he caused me... and now I know better... things with the man I'm currently involved with are different... I view our relationship as a short term sexual relationship but I enjoy every moment that I'm spending with him... he is kind, caring, considerate, sensual, sexy and he treats me with respect... and most importantly I feel like I'm alive with him, living in the moment, enjoying each moment for what it is without any expectations or promises of what will be... and I totally believe what chevyboy said about being friends with lots of men and caring for them all in different ways... I believe that to be true and she is right... I get what she says about not pinning all your hopes on one person, that's what I've learned... I'm a good person but I'm looking out for me and what's best for me and only I can decide what that is... having the support of family and friends is crucial to getting through all of this... so please reach out to us here or the people you know love you and you will get through... and don't forget even when you feel that you are alone, you are never alone because God is with you...

She, I think your description of the physical movement of "letting it go" is wonderful and I will remember that one for myself.