Divorced - Ex Husband Not Supportive

Kelley101

I am 45, newly diagnosed, had a mastectomy, and my first chemo treatment was this week.  I have two kids, a boy age 15, and a girl age 12.  I have been divorced for 5 years, but my ex husband has been in/out of my life for 25 years (we were married for 15 years).  He is still the person I turn to when I want to talk to someone about my deepest fears, and I really need him here for me.  He has refuised, as he has turned into quite the player in the past few years.  Has anyone else had a siimilar experience?  Does the ex ever get a heart, or do I have to walk away and do this on my own?   

Traci-----TripNeg

Hi Kelley,

I was single when diagnosed, (still am actually) but for the three years prior to my diagnosis I was madly in love with a man that didn't love me; he loved somebody else, and I finally got used to the idea that he would never be mine, and he suddenly fell madly in love with me after my diagnosis and wanted to be there for me for everything. WTH?

Complete opposite of your scenario, but just wanted you to know that I got through my diagnosis and treatment, and since then, with the love of my family, friends, and the girls on this site.

You aren't the first girl on here to say her 'man' wasn't supportive. Some men don't handle illness well. Try to let it (him) go, and hopefully he will come around for you. If he doesn't, know that we are all here for you. You are not alone.

I'm sorry you are having to join us Kelley, but there are so many wonderful women (& some men) on this site that will be here for you every step of the way. Post often. You'll be very quickly embraced. I promise.

Hugs, Traci

LC815

Kelley,

I know how you feel.  I had a tumultous relationship with my ex when we were married, but there was still a reason I married him in the first place, right?  Well, not only is he not being supportive, but he's being downright mean.  We have three daughters together, 18, 16 and 14.  At a time in my life when I wish he would grow up and put the girls first, he's chosen to punish me emotionally and financially.

At every stage of my BC, from first diagnosis six years ago, to Stage IV now, he's chosen the worst possible times to be a complete _________ (fill in the blank with your choice of negative adjective).  I don't know why this is, but Traci is right -- some people do not handle this well at all. 

Rally your girlfriends around you, and your family.  You might just have to let him go for awhile and see how things turn out.  One thing is for sure . . . you can't control his actions, but you can control your response to them.  Hold your head high -- the less stress in your life at this time the better.

Peace,

LC 

Hopefloats41725

Yes Keli101, you have to do it by yourself.  I have to.  I have been married for fourty years (two marriages) and Mar 2010, decided no matter what the situation was, I was not going to stay in a marriage I didn't want.  Met a wonderful man, stood by me for the mastectomy, but when it came to the lymph node removal (20), he wanted me to stand in divine healing instead.  I did for two months.  When my divorce went to court.  I don't know why, but my soulmate (just like me in all ways.  Relationship never went any further than one pass, no sex) was told by me that I thought I had fell in love with him.  The world stopped!  He got off and told me that our relationship was all sexual and not spiritual (a complete lie, but an excuse).  We decided to stay in touch, but found out that it was only pen pal'g.  No more sweet words or dreams were spoken as before.  The hurt was excuciating.   But you know, God takes away people that we don't need to be with and sends us new people in our lives, if we stay in obedience and stay righteous.  We are alone, but he has a better plan for us.  Let Him do the work, walk with Him as I do, there is no one else.  It does get lonely, but look at your gift God has in your tomorrow's.  It takes patience and obedience, but we can do  it.  I have had four out of eight chemo's and the fourth one started getting really hard for me to endure.  My fifth is in a few days, so I am going to make sure I take Tylenol and Benedryl to help keep me calm.  They say Clove Gum helps with the saline smell and taste (worse scenario).  But the girls are right, if mine or yours is meant to be ours, God just removed them temporarily and He will send them back to us.  Otherwise He is in charge and He will give us the desires of our heart.  Just pray your will is His will and there is Joy and Happiness that will follow, believe me.  Hurt, hurts, but He hurt so much more than we ever did, we can get through it.  God Bless YOU!

hrf

Unfortunately, it seems to be not unusual for men to bail on us. It certainly adds another challenge to our lives at a time when we needed them for support. Best wishes

Kelley101

Thank you to all of you for replying!  You have made me feel better, and to also appreciate my friends and family for being there, because they really have stepped up to the plate.  I need to quit dwelling on the ex and "let him go".  Thank you for encouraging me to post on here, knowing that I will get support back!

Hopefloats41725

YOU are welcome!  It helps, that is why I am here!!!!!

Fearless_One

I have to agree with HRF.  I have never been married, but certainly have had my share of ex's and I have learned to never make them a source of comfort.   If they cared that much, they would still be with us.   Better to meet new people and build new friendships with people who are going to stick around.

mary2246

I was married for 22 years to an abusive narcissist. We had a horrible divorce!  He was a successful business man that was financially ruined by a the collapse of a major financial institution. We have 4 children together.  I was a stay at home Mom.  He left the country with two kids in private university and never paid the tuition or half of the money he owed me.  He hasn't as much as sent an email about me having cancer.  During the past 7 years I have had shingles twice, horrible skin rashes from the stress....when I finally got back on my feet I got diagnosed with BC.  I think the stress of untangling the life with my ex caused the cancer.  

NancyD

Kelley, I was divorced, too, for many years prior to my dx, and my ex lived about 40 miles away. Our oldest was living on his own but still financially dependent on me for a good portion of his expenses; our youngest lived with me. My ex had long ago stopped paying CS for either of them, and the only thing I really asked of him was to at least give me a token amount (say $50) each month that I could give to the kids, or spend on a dinner out with them...something to make my life a little easier. I got nothing...a lot of lip service ("You're so strong...I can't believe you're working through all this...I really respect your work ethic." [my reaction: WTF?]). I don't think our youngest was even "invited" to spend the weekend with him where I didn't have to drive for delivery and pick-up. Naturally, when I said on a few occasions that I wasn't up to the drive, it was a different story. I was told I was using my illness as an excuse.

A little over a year ago he moved hundreds of miles away, so he's very much out of touch with what's going on in our lives. Still complains that no one visits him, but really, what did he expect?

I was not surprised at his behavior. When his grandmother was dying, he refused to visit her in the hospital saying he didn't want to remember her "that way". When his mother was dying, he also refused to visit her. Come to think of it, he avoids hospitals a lot. He wouldn't come to the delivery of our second child... a friend took me and acted as my birthing coach.

So there are some people who just can't handle illness, hospitals, medical treatments...everything that goes along with breast cancer. I hope you have a larger support network than just your ex and your children: friends, other family members. He might see the light and come through in a few ways, but you would be smart to make plans that don't include him (that way you won't be let down at a bad moment).