I don't want to play the cancer game anymore!

Sparrow

A few weeks ago I lost my mom to bc.  She got it in her 70s and was 83 when she died.  My sister & I flew out to see her and she was in terrible shape, much worse than we expected.  4 days after we got there we had to put her in the hospital.  She was there for 2 days and then she died.

I had just beaten a bout of severe depression that started when my mom got sick again.  Now I'm right back at square 1. I can't seem to get any work done, the house is a mess and all I can do is sleep and eat ice cream.   My husband is out of town for 10 days.  He offered to stay with me but I told him to go ahead with his trip.  Now I really wish he was here.

My grandmother and great grandmother died of bc too.  My mom tested negative for BCRA 1 & 2  but we probably have some weird mutation they haven't identified yet.  Why did I get it at such a (relatively) young age?  I feel doomed and hopeless.

My relatives fought it much more aggressively than I did.  Mine was caught before it was palpable.  I had bilateral lumpectomies and rads and tamoxifen, no chemo.

My 1st post treatment mammo is coming up in July.  If they find anything I really feel like I don't want to go through this again.  I don't feel like it would do any good.  It didn't help my mother or grandmothers.  At most it bought them 10 years or so.  They all got mets and their last years were pretty miserable.  

I'll go and get the mammo but beyond that I don't want any more treatment.  I know it's nuts but that's the way I feel.  I'd rather have 10 more good years than 10 more years of scans, chemo, hospitalizations, ect.

I know my mammo will most likely be OK but I can't shake the feeling that it won't.

Whew, thanks for letting me vent. 

leaf

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It must feel like you are playing out a family curse.

I think for me that the attitudes of my family had a big effect on how I emotionally handle my breast issues.  My paternal grandmother had breast cancer in the 1950s, and had bilateral radical mastectomies.  They didn't have any significant mamography then, and I don't think they had chemo, radiation, or antihormonals either. I was told growing up that breast cancer was a forbidden subject.  Even though she lived for another 20 years, and was NED at her death, I think in the 1950s most people equated breast cancer with a death sentence.

Your experience, of course, sounds a million times worse. It must be very hard seeing all those close relatives go through bc. It sounds like you have very strong feelings, as would be perfectly natural. Would talking to someone help you?

Jenniferz

I wish I had words of wisdom to give you, but I don't think I do. You've only just gotten out of treatment yourself, then you lost your mother. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

You MAY want to talk to your onc. or your pcp about your feelings. Perhaps they will be able to prescribe something for your depression.



Jennifer

karen333

Dear Sparrow, I too lost my mother to breast cancer, I have 6 first cousins that hve battled it. I had my surgery 8/09 and plunged into a depression.  I see a LCSW, now 1x/wk and a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner for meds. I was doing OK till I found my insurance runs out on 7/24 now I don't know where to turn, I have followed up on all leads women on the forum have given me only to find out I am not eligeable for any assistance in health insurance except $1148/mo. premiums, which I cannot afford. Cancer is an ugly word to insurance companies.  I too dread going in for a mammogram, they don't have to tell me to hold my breath, since I start as soon as I'm against the machine.  The meds do help me cope, but how to get them when the insurance runs out.  I just try to  cope as best I can,which as you mentioned, I don't wamt to play the cancer game anymore feelings.

Sparrow

Thanks everyone for your kind words.  it helps a lot.  I think it's just grief making me feel this way.  I have my 1st therapists appointment since my mom's death this coming week.  That will probably help.  Thanks for listening!

Leaf, it's true that bc wasn't talked about in the past.  I'm sorry this runs in your family too.  I had no idea my grandmothers had it until I was dxed and my mom finally told me.  I remember being told as a child that my grandma had cancer but they never told me what kind it was.

(((Karen))) I'm so sorry about your insurance situation and that so many of your relatives have had to battle this too.  That's so scary!  Does your social worker have any suggestions about what to do?  The one at my cancer center was wonderful-  she gave me a lot of helpful information about where to get help for my mom when she became unable to care for herself.  I would definitely ask him or her about it.  Praying for a good solution for you!