Mom diagnosed and in denial

Datwinksta

Hi- I found out today that my mother has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. On Mother's weekend, she told me she had something to tell me and put my hand on the lump in her breast. I recoiled. She says she's had the lump since January (I think she's had it longer). She finally had it removed last week, and today the surgeon told her it was cancer. She said she wanted to see a cancer specialist, but was not going to call anyone. She was going to go home. (She lives in the Caribbean and won't see doctors there. I live in New York with my family and she had her surgery in MD.) We lost my father in law to cancer and it was especially hard because they"waited" 3 months, even though they we told to start treatment immediately.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of friends, who have given me the names of some great doctors here and also the link to this group. I am an only "child" and she was a single parent. I called one of her sisters for help, but she was condescending and doesn't understand my "concern".

I sent my mother a picture of her grandson and asked her not to wait because we need her. I am scared. I know she is scared. I think that worked because she asked me to call the doctors for her. I know this is "her" illness, and she needs to make decisions for her self. I want to be able to respect and support her in this, but I'm not sure how, especially if I have to fight for her to take any action. I am scared.

I am grateful to have this place to come for support. Thank you.

Datwinksta

Have I come to the wrong place for any support with my mother's diagnosis? I see that there have been views but no one has even said, "hang in there". 

dlb823

Hi, Datwinksta ~ I'm not sure why I didn't notice your post yesterday, but I just did now, and hope others will, too.

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on your Mother's thinking and the fact that we just can't make a strong-willed person do something they don't want to do.  But all I can think is that, from my own experience, accurate knowledge about treatment in many cases helped me to have a more realistic picture and overcome my fears.  In other words, if she knew someone who had a miserable time with chemo, for example, 10 or more years ago, perhaps knowing that today's generation of anti-nausea drugs is completely different and have greatly improved the chemo experience might change her thinking about it.

If I was in your situation, I would absolutely keep encouraging her to at least get more information.  Let her know that you will respect her choice if she then decides not to move ahead with tx, but you at least want her to have the full picture, which it doesn't sound like either of you has at this point.   

Do you know what her surgical pathology is?  Has she had any scans to determine if the bc has gone beyond her breast?  That will tell you and her a lot about her prognosis, which may not be nearly as bad as she fears -- as long as she will get appropriate treatment now.  As you may have figured out from reading here, the majority of women who have treatment go on to live cancer-free, and even those who have metastatic bc can often be successfully treated for many years.  But you only get one shot at getting rid of it the first time, so time is of the essence.

I'm very sorry about her diagnosis, but she's had the surgery, and if she didn't want to live, I'm questioning if she would have done that.  So maybe just giving her time to think things through while you continue to make information gathering appointments for her will bring her around.

Good luck!  I will pray that she will respond to your wishes.  Please keep us posted.   Deanna

Datwinksta

Thank you, Deanna. I am giving her time and space for this to settle in. She is still in St. Croix. She has an appointment here in NYC on Monday. That will give us more information. She can get the scans, etc. I gave her what was needed to get started with treatment and can only pray that she takes the initiative and follows through. Other than that, I can only wait.

I *really* appreciate you responding to me.Thank you.

olisad

Hang in there. This is a great place. I understand the feeling of wanting advice, answers, replies, support, hope, love, truth, all of that immediately, especially when you're reeling from the news about a loved one. So hang in there. These women are fantastic. Hugs. Lisa

Ana1973

I completely agree with Dlb823...I watched my Mom go through chemo 10 years ago for BC. It was horrible to see her be that sick. Now, speaking from my own experiences with BC, I can say that chemo is not fun but doable, if she even needs it based on the doctor's findings. Encourage her to come to this site and read the different forums. The women on this site will support her, encourage her and sympathize with her. She is not alone and does need to understand that BC is no longer an automatic death sentence, but she needs treatment asap.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You may also want to look around this site too. There is a lot of support for you also. I wish you and your Mom the best of luck and will keep you both in my prayers.

Ana

apple

to me it sounds like your mom is VERY frightened and without words, is asking for you to take control... perhaps.  I do not know your mother.  My mother is enjoying her dotage, relying on the kids, rather than being the mom.  Best of luck to you.

thenewme

Hi Datwinksta,

So sorry you're dealing with this!   For many of us, the very beginning is the worst part of it - the shock and fear and emotional whirlwind can be overwhelming for us (and our friends and family).   Sometimes we all want to embrace denial, but it sounds as if she may be coming around.  Her fear may be magnified since she's a single mom, so the fact that you're reaching out to her and being so supportive is probably a huge help. 

Do you think she might be willing to move closer to you temporarily while she's in treatment?  Would you be open to that?  Would it be an option financially or insurance-wise?  Being near family may offer her tremendous relief in so many ways.  If you can go with her to her appointments (if she's open to that), it would be great, and you'd be able to help understand what she's dealing with, her options, and all the details of treatment. 

Let her know that depression is very common with this diagnosis, so a lot of us need help dealing with that and other non-cancer things that go with it.  That help might be counseling, medication, yoga, meditation, or many other things.  

Thanks for being there for her!  Hang in there!~

MicheleS

the beginning is so haaaaard.  just try to keep helping her deal with this emotionally (without shutting down) and, if she'll let you, make her appts, etc.  can she stay in the states with you for a while? for her treatment? if sounds like she needs your guidance...

btw~ you are doing a great job!

<ignore the typos, I have a squirmy kid on my lap>

Datwinksta

**Thanks everyone!**

This is hard. Our relationship hasn't been the best as she was partnered with a verbally abusive alcoholic for 17 years. After he died, she moved to St.Croix but wants to be a bigger part of my life and my son's life. Most of her family is in MD, but she wants us near her. It is impossible for me to go to MD for an indefinite amount of time, and I have found excellent care for her here. My husband and I have always spoken about the fact she's going to end up living with us, but I didn't think it would be so soon. We don't have the room in our 1 bedroom, but that doesn't matter.

 I am hoping that she will call me tomorrow and tell me she's coming for her appointment. Apple and a few others mentioned that she might want me to take over. I will be her strongest support, but I think she needs to be an advocate for herself when she is over the shock. I will try to help her stay present but that's not the way she has lived her life. 

I truly appreciate the support, help, and advice that I have already received here.  MicheleS-Thank you for telling me I'm doing a great job. That means the world to me.

Thank you again.

Datwinksta

She's coming tomorrow night!!!!!!!!! I am so relieved.

Leah58

When I was diagnosed last November, it felt like I was in a dream.  I am a mom and grandmother.  It wasn't until I was in the hospital being prepared for my bilateral masectomy surgery in early January that I thought, wow! this is very real.  

Before your diagnosis, you do not feel sick and you do not look sick.  It is hard to comprehend that you have cancer because often times you do not have symptoms.   Then one day you have a "bad" mammogram or find a lump.   Then your whole breast cancer journey begins.  

Today I participated in the cancer survivor's walk for our local ACS Relay for Life.  I survived my surgeries and chemotherapy.  Your mother is probably feeling overwhelmed with emotion.   When she has the more testing done and finds out more information about her specific breast cancer, the reality of it all will start to sink in.   You are a fabulous daughter!  Your mother is blessed to have you in her life.  Take care.

Datwinksta

Oh, Leah! Thank you.

riley702

I can only add to what the others have already said - I was in denial for two weeks even though I KNEW that lump hadn't been there before. I guess I was afraid to acknowledge it - like me saying it would make it real. My figurative slap upside the head was hearing on the news that Jennifer Lyon had died of BC. She had been on Survivor, and when she was diagnosed, had interviews where she said she had ignored her lump for over a year because she was young with no family history, she had breast implants and had convinced herself it was just scar tissue around the implants. She was Stage III when diagnosed, initially seemed to be doing well, but 5 years later found it had recurred and had mets and died shortly after that. I sat there watching them rerun those interviews the day her death was announced and I realized I needed to MOVE on this lump of mine.

I called my doctor immediately, was seen the same day, had a mammogram and US the same day with biopsy the next day. I was definitely in a daze. I was also prescribed an anti-depressant and sleeping pills, which turned out to be a God-send.

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, except to say that there was a definite turning point where I went from denial to fighting for my life. Maybe your Mom is at that point and just needs some encouragement and support to get to the fighting for her life part of this. Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing everything possible to help your mother through this if she'll let you.

PS - Try and keep the sister who doesn't seem to 'get it' away from you both right now. Your Mom doesn't need conflicting messages at a time when she's afraid and confused.

Carolyn

Anonymous

Datwinksta-  It could just be that your mother is so overwhelmed by everything that she is just shut down to the point of inaction.  Just as she did nothing to remove herself from the abusive relationship she was in.  She may just really need you to take over or at least get things started.  I would definitely try to get her pathology report from her surgery to find out exactly what her diagnosis is.  There are different kinds of breast cancer.  Some are invasive and some are not.  There are different treatments as well.  It can be extremely overwhelming to someone first diagnosed because it seems as though you are given an array of choices and you have to figure out what to do.  

I think your Mom is very lucky to have such a wonderful and caring daughter.  Good luck tomorrow.

Kate 

3monstmama

Denial is part of the process with any diagnois of cancer.  But with support, your mom can work through this and hopefully come through the otherside.

However, in the meantime, I would urge you to find a therapist for yourself who is used to dealing with people who are dealing with family members with cancer.  Sometimes, for reasons none of us who have chosen to fight will ever understand, sometimes, people decide not to fight and to do nothing.  And that is incrediably hard on those around them.  Even if she does get treatment, having a therapist as part of your support system, especially as an only daughter, is invaluable.  Good luck.

Datwinksta

WOW! You all are tremendous! THANK YOU!

I am just getting back to the board. My mother's appt. went well. The "Strip mall" surgeon in MD didn't send what was needed, but I called and asked them to please fax it "again". We still didn't get the pathology report to find out if it is estrogen receptive or not and whether she'll need Chemo. (I've learned so much in the last week.) My mother threw many road blocks in the mix. (needing to work not get treatment, a place to stay for 6 weeks.)The dr. said he could operate this week. She left town to work for 2 days and then went back home. She told me she needed to make her decision. The thought of her not having treatment was crushing me, but I told her that this was her illness and my opinion didn't seem to matter at the moment, and I left her with time to think. Yesterday, she let me know she's going to schedule the surgery!!!!!

There was an article about rads treatment in the NYT suggesting 1 treatment and not 6 weeks. We're looking in to that.

Riley, as sad and hard as it is. Yes, I need to keep distance from the aunt.It hurts to even think about her. I have had a personally horrid year, and she has been excatly the same. I know, I know, the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result.

3monstrama, My husband and I just started therapy. (He took himself off his meds for mental illness and I found out he'd been lying etc. for 2+years.) My health insurance will only cover 2 therapists for us. I think this will be good. Plus, I'm going to join Gilda's Club here in NYC and hope my mother will as well.

*Again* I want to say thank you to all of you. I will check in more often. I want to give support as well.

Peace

debbie6122

Datwinksa. Sorry you are going thru this with your mom, but glad you found this site to help you understand and get support for your mom and you. If im understanding this correctly your mom has only had a biopsy? If that is the case you will not know what her er/pr status is or her grade/stage is, and weather she is node positive or negative, there is still so much to learn and we will be happy to hold your hand and walk you thru every thing- You sound like a caring wonderful daughter and your mom is lucky to have you for support, sorry you are going thru this, jsut to let you know you can only post 5 times a day untill you get close to some where around 50 posts then there unlimited, but you can still pm any one (private mail) you are welcome to pm me or im sure any one else at any time keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers (((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Debbie

Datwinksta

Hello-

Here I am *again* after SO long, after *saying* I will check in more often to  give support, but I haven't. I am trying not to think of myself as a "failure" on this board. Please forgive me, I am SORRY.

Its been a *VERY hard road*.  My mother ended up having 2 more procedures done. She lived w/us in our very tiny apartment for a month, and it was hellacious!! I was the caretaker for *everyone*, and NO ONE took any care of me. Things got really bad. Finally, I ended up keeping my 6 yr. old son out of the apt. for over 10 hrs. and calling people from the street to see if we could stay with them. Thankfully, a friend let us go to her family's beach house for 4 days soon after.I felt better and rejuvenated.

Medically,  instead of "just" radiation, she is starting Chemotherapy tomorrow for 4 1/2 months and will then have 6 weeks of radiation for 6 weeks. She's been lying to her doctors, didn't call the Social Worker, etc... I don't know what to do. My therapist says I should "tell" them...

I have to get up early in the AM to take my son to his friend's house, and then the 1st Chemo w/ my Mom. We are estranged w/o literally being estranged. Her brother/my uncle is coming to NYC w/ 4 other people tomorrow afternoon, and then they plan to drive her to MD ( a 4 hour trip) on Tuesday morning. I don't think she should go. I think she should rest, but *no one* has called me or asked the best course of action She accused me of trying to control her life, and I am doing what I can to let her know *she* is in control,

I'll stop now, because I feel guilty for posting and not keeping up.I *DO* appreciate having a place where people understand.

 Thank you for listening.

Loveyourlife

Hi,

My son's MIL was diagnosed several months ago , but is in complete denial.   She had a biopsy, and all the exams. She is very beautiful, but suffers from a form of Grandiosity, as far as we can tell( she will not go to a therapist).  She is divorced from her husband of 20 yrs, and cares for her wealthy Dad, who is 84 and in failing health.  She lives in his home, and her mother is deceased.  She has 2 children, both adults, one son and one daughter.  She has 2 sisters, who seem normal.  She does not have any computer skills or email. She does not do other work.  She has maintained her Kaiser Insurance, but I can't find out the name of her primary Dr.  She says that because the specialist  told her primary Dr., who then told her, the condition does not exist.  Unless the specialist Dr. tells her himself, she will not believe it is real.  Kaiser is not set up that way, and I can't get the name of a social worker in their company to help me.  The mother hangs up on her daughter if she mentions BC on the phone.  My son and his wife had their first baby in May, but that doesn't seem to matter to the Grandma MIL . As the other Grandma, I would really like her to get some treatment, but how?   I have asked my son's wife to find out where her 84-yr.-old Dad is on this issue, but they do not want to get involved.  Any ideas? If she does not get treatment soon, it will be too late to help her!

Kaara

Your son's MIL is probably overwhelmed at this time.  It sounds like her life is centered around caring for her elderly father.  She is probably wondering how she is going to have treatment and continue in her role as care giver for him.  My boyfriend's sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and for weeks she wouldn't even talk about it.  She has finally decided to do no treatment, since she is having no symptoms at this time, and just live her life as she always has.  She acknowledges the disease, but chooses not to get treatment.  We support her decision.  It would be good if there were someone that the MIL felt close to that could talk to her about her options, particularly with regard to who would care for the father in her absence.