WHY?

wblibrary

I take my anti-depressant and yet I'm still depressed.  I'm tired from lack of sleep - and yet I can't sleep.  I ache from top to bottom.  I'm a lopsided mess in the mirror when I step out of the shower.  I'm 56 going on 76!  Why did breast cancer happen to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  I just want to scream some days (hence this is why I'm venting here).  I'm gaining weight, have horrible fatigue all day long, insomnia and I look in the mirror and don't reognize myself.  I finished chemo in Jan 09 and thought - ok - I'm done.  WRONG!  Between the roller coaster of AIs and reconstruction worries - I feel worse than when I was first diagnosed.  I thought - lop off the breast and be done with it!  I'll be fine - NOT!  The doctors are only concerned about the physical end of the disease - patting you down for suspicious lumps and bumps.  They ask how you are and we all answer - fine - ok - good - whatever - when all we really want to do is scream at them that we want to feel and look normal again.  There's no magic pill or clock to turn back to do that - it's frustrating as hell that breast cancer isn't like having an appendectomy - one surgery and you are done - get back to "real" life - NOPE.  You get told surgery, chemo/radiation & take a little pill for 5 years.  They don't tell you that the little pill for 5 years will make you an old lady instantly!  All the studies about taking them, not taking them, alternatives - are crap shoots!  NO ONE seems to have any answers after all these years of BC research.  WHY?  Ok-rant is over - feel free to respond - sorry - but seriously - WHY?

Bren-2007

Hello Library ...

Good question "why."  Except there is no answer to "why."  It falls uder the category of "just is."

I have asked why to many traumatic events in my life, and the answer was always the same ... it just is. 

I'm 54 and ER+, and after trying Arimidex and Tamoxifen, I quit taking both.  Of course this was against my doctors recommendation. 

There are a couple of antidepressants you can take with AI's ... perhaps it would help if you upped your dosage or switched to a different one. 

We didn't cause our cancer, nor do we deserve it.  That would imply that cancer is more than just a bunch of errant cells.  And that somehow our actions could prevent it or cause it ... and that just isn't the case. 

We have no choice in whether or not we get cancer ... absolutely no control over that.  We do, however, have a choice in our treatment of the disease .. and how we respond to our diagnosis.

Hugs,

Bren

wblibrary

Any suggestions as to that new antidepressant?  Obviously the Prozac I'm on isn't working for me.  LOL

Laurie_R

wb,

Have you ever tried just screaming as a stress release.  You can use a pillow or not and to heck with the neighbors, just let it all out.

Sierra

Hi there

oh boy, sounds like a real dilemna

for you

I know, some years back I tried all the anti deps

prozac, paxil, others cant even recall

finally did celexa, which helped

actually I wonder if one of them kept me up

the last one I took was dreadful for me

I hope things calm down for you

Are u taking the B vitams

and D.. for sure cal mag

etc... get some sun each day, that helps

me out and being in nature

Best wishes

you are in a lovely State

I once lived in CA

Hugs, Sierra

Even now, at several years out

many days I have to

stop, take a deep breath

and also, jut take ONE DAY AT A TIME

Namaste

dlb823

wb ~  How about nutrition and exercise?  Are you doing good things for yourself in both of those areas?  I totally understand and can empathize with every complaint you have, as I have them, too.  But I've also learned that exercise (like just getting out and walking) can do wonders for some of the aches & pains, as well as boosting our endorphines, so that we start to feel happier. And there are so many good things we can do for ourselves with diet and supplements, as discussed in books like, Anti-Cancer, A New Way Of Life, by David Servan-Schreiber, M.D. & 2x cancer survivor.  And don't forget to treat yourself to things that make you happy -- whether it's a massage or a new pair of shoes.  Getting back to a new normal isn't easy.  I'm learning that it's something we need to work at.  And many of the things we do may contribute only a very little bit to our improved well-being.  But when you put them all together, I'm finding that slowly but surely things can get better.

Another thing that has helped me is to realize that no one's life is perfect -- no matter what it looks like from the outside.  Of course, we've all cried at our scars, our changed bodies and physical limitations and asked, "Why me?."  But someone else is asking that right now about an abusive relationship they can't escape, or an alcoholic parent, or a child hopelessly lost to drugs. Everyone has some heartache in their lives.  At a seminar I once attended, small groups of us were told we could put our problems in a stack in the center of our circle and take someone else's instead.  And I'm sure you can guess what happened.  When we saw the heartaches others had to live with, like an estranged child they hadn't seen for many years and grieved for every day, we were obviously ready to take back our own problem.

I apologize if this comes across as Pollyanna-ish.  I certainly don't mean it to be, and I realize that the problems you're having may be especially severe. I'm just trying to share some things that have helped me climb out of the rut or abyss that bc leaves us in, so that we can find a new normal and not let bc continue to steal our joy for the rest of our lives.     Deanna

Anonymous

wblibrary- Ok, first the depression.  Here's my thought- you have a reason to be depressed!!! We all do.  It is a very depressing situation despite how it is depicted in movies and Lifetime t.v.  So I guess you have to ask yourself how bad do you think your depression is and if you need to do something about it.  Someone has said on here that in addition to a breast surgeon and a plastic surgeon that we should also consult with a psychologist who specializes in BC patients and can prepare us for all the emotional baggage that comes with this disease.  I, too, thought it would be no big deal.  Take the breasts, put in some implants and I'm good to go.  The reality is I don't feel like me anymore and that pisses me off too.  

Now as to why?  That will drive you crazy if you think like that.  I have 2 sisters that are overweight, don't eat right, never exercise, smoke like chimneys since they were 14 and I am the one that got breast cancer.  Go figure!

So vent away because if you don't you'll probably go postal on someone.  I just want to say it does get better.  The fatigue, depression, insomnia- I feel it lessen every month.  This site has helped.  Exercise helps, too, as much as you don't feel like doing any.  By not exercising I, too, was dealing with weight gain, fatigue, etc.  Force yourself to do a little every day.  I swear it helps.

If you're feeling "stuck" and need some help contact the American Cancer Society's Reach to Recovery program.  They will match you with volunteers in your area that have been through the same kind of cancer.  They will call or visit and help you get through all this.  Everything you're feeling is normal but that doesn't mean you don't need support to get through it.  Good luck. 

vickieo

I am with you, I thought things were going fine, finished up all my treatment and surgeries almost a year ago. I am on Femara and I feel like 47 going on 77. I am tired all the time, I have joint pain and have trouble sometimes with word find. I work full time and have 3 boys who see mom tired and in bed way too much. I could sleep 12 hours and take a nap. It is just crazy, day by day with anxiety and depression. I pray , exercise , eat healthy and I still feel out of sorts. I have absolutely no sex drive and a husband who is 7 yrs younger than me. It has really affected our relationship.  Don't know where to turn. I did not want support groups because I just wanted to get on with things and frankly don't have time.  Don't know what to do ?? Don't want another pill but I rely on Darvocet to get me through the day .  I like to be a positive person but this is really getting to be too much. Help !

Suzybelle

Hi, WB:

I was doing my "Lebed Method" exercise dvd today (and I really use the term loosely - it's like exercise for old, old grandmas.  It's for LE patients) ...and I had a 'moment'.  It just hit me out of the blue that I am 40 years old and have the stamina of a 70 year old.  I used to run 1/2 marathons, for Pete's sake.  I ran 30 miles a week for years!  Tears came to my eyes...for a minute, I was totally feeling sorry for myself.  Here I am, struggling with lymphedema - just when I thought I could move on from breast cancer - here I am.    I have no idea why cancer picked me, but lots of bad things happen to really good people and they didn't deserve it, either.  And my cancer could have been a lot worse.

I am not going to give in to self-pity.  I am blessed to still be here...but I totally understand what you are saying.  Some days are good, some days, not so good.  After my little moment, I finished the dvd and was actually able to have a good afternoon.

What we have gone through is so hard...I am just learning to be gentle with myself and when I feel that despair creep up on me, I try hard to find things to be grateful for and just move on.  I'm not going to kick myself when I get sad.  What happened to me was freaking sad, you know?  But I still have a lot to be happy about, and there's a lot of joy and happiness out there with my name on it. 

You hang in there, WB, and I will hang in, too.  I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way!

Suzanne

wblibrary

Thank you everyone for your comments and support.  I think everyone has good and bad days dealing with recovery.  I faced my mastectomy & chemo decisions with such determination to beat this cancer and here I am 1 1/2 years later struggling more than before.  I think I'm more frustrated at the system than anything else.  I know research has come a long way in the past 10 years or so, but I just wish there were more clear answers to our questions.  There seems to be so much disagreement as to treatments.  Take a pill - don't take a pill - bioidentical hormones.....decisions than seem to change according to the doctor you see.  Is taking that little pill to keep our bodies from producing estrogen - the best way to keep recurrence at bay?  Do they really know how long or how much we should be taking of these AI pills?  I agree with the comments about having a psychologist who specializes in breast cancer patients.  Life after cancer is NOT the same.  It would be wonderful to have someone to help us on our new life path and help us deal with all the SE's.  I guess in a way - breastcancer.org's discussion boards are my psychologist!  You all listen and don't judge - for that - and for all of you - I am very grateful!  Thank you everyone!

Anonymous

wblibrary- You are exactly right when you say that this site can be your psychologist.  I know it has been for me.  And it's a psychologist that is available 24/7, I don't have to get in my car and drive to see them and they are an incredible source of information.

I totally understand your frustration in dealing with all the different opinions regarding this disease.  You'd think after all this time they would have figured it out by now.  It ticks me off, too.  At the very least, why can't all the doctors get together and determine which treatment is the lesser of evils?  

In your original post you said you were a "lopsided mess".  Does this mean you had a mastectomy on one side only?  I know the thought of more surgery probably gives you the eebie jeebies but have you considered doing a preventative MX on the other side?  This would certainly take care of the lopsidedness and you could perhaps go off the hormones?  I think things like Tamoxifen have created more issues for women than any other aspect of BC.  It's like a 5 year prison sentence and the benefits haven't really been proven as far as I can see.  As far as an anti-depressant I find that Wellbutrin as the least amount of side effects, and believe me, I have tried them all. 

I truly hope your bad days become farther and fewer between.  The almost impossible task is not letting BC define who WE are.  I know we can't help but be changed by all this but having all the great support and understanding on here has allowed me to heal a lot. I can't say I have let go off the anger all together but it is getting much better. 

maryturkout

Hi, I just joined in writing on the board  last week. It is amazing that so many women are in the same stage. I have written on another post about my ordeal. Our family lost my amazing dad to esophogial cancer in November. That was exactly five weeks after my BM. I have my silicone implants now and still deciding on what step to take on nipple recon. I too have been struggling with how to deal with so much vented up anxeity. Most important, how to deal with the loss of my Dad. Since he has passed away me and another sister are trying to keep my Mother, who is not in the best of health herself, motivated to live her life without her spouse of 53 years. This alone takes up a good part of my time,  I am  also trying to keep myself together for my four children and husband, keep my part time job going, and be ready for the next stage of this  recon process.   I have a wonderful family, but they do not know what I am trying to cope with. I feel like I have not even had time to allow myself to accept the fact that I had BC and BM. This diagnosis has changed my life....but trying to life with the grief of losing my Dad still is overwhelming.

Anonymous

maryturkout- Any of your issues on their own would be difficult but combined can be overwhelming.  It sounds as though you haven't had a moment to catch your breath throughout all this.  You've had to take on a lot of roles in the past few months- cancer patient, grieving daughter, mother, wife, employee and now caretaker to your Mom.  That is a lot for anyone.  Just remember that you are not superwoman.  I don't know how old your kids are but you need to let your family know what you are feeling and how much you need their support right now.  Share your feelings of grief about your Dad with your Mom and let her do the same.  And, of course, come here and cry, vent, scream or whatever you need to do because we have all been there.

I know it may seem impossible for you to have any "me" time right now but take it where you can.  If you need to connect with someone in person who has been through the same BC experience try contacting the American Cancer Society's Reach to Recovery Program.  They will match you with a volunteer in your area who has experienced a similar diagnosis or treatment who will call or visit you.  If things start to feel too overwhelming I would ask for a referral for a grief counselor from either your surgeon or family doctor as well.  Good luck to you. 

maryturkout

Thanks Kate33, It is nice to be able to vent with women going through alot of the same issues as I am. I was reading your bio and see where you were diagnosed with DCIS as I was.. I am trying to remember exactly how it was stated but I was told I could not keep my nipples because of the chance  cancer could come back in the ducts of my nipple... As you probably have seen in my other posts, the biggest challenge I am trying to face is what kind of nipple recon I would want done. I have been reading on so many posts about other womens choices. I know my PS does a twisted C flap around the scar area.  I  wait a few more weeks and come in to have the tattoe done. I know I want to finish the process- I just havent decided the when and how.

wblibrary

Everytime I log on to this board - I'm amazed at the stories we all have to tell.  I applaud you all!  Brave women is what comes to mind.  You definitely inspire me.  Here's to having more "good" days than "bad" to all of you!  Thank you for your support and honesty.  We ARE survivors!

wblibrary

Quick update - I'm switching from Prozac to Effexor to see if I can get the hot flashes under control.  The reasoning for this is from all of you posting what is working/not working for you.  Again, you wonderful women are my research center! 

lovemyfamilysomuch

Feel better wblibrary--sometimes it takes a while for the right combo of drugs to be found.  Sending love and support. xo

Medigal

Ok ladies, I have the answer to WHY.  It's because we all did something terrible in another life and this is our Karma to suffer this damnable curse on our bodies called bc!!  You all are screaming about your AL side effects and I am on my second 5 years!!  I guess I must look like 125 years old! But not really.  You see in a way I was fortunate.  I had so many horrible things happen to me before bc, spinal fusion in my 30's, cerebral aneurysm, subdural hematoma, arthritis, migraine and tension headaches daily that when I went on Arimidex I had no idea I was having any side effects because my poor body was already daily in pain.  And although I won't take photos because I think they put my skull on wrong after two brain surgeries, my daughter keeps saying I look great for my age.  But then again she is my kid and if she doesn't say that I will have a crying spell and lock myself in my bedroom.  I am planning on being a SAINT in my next life and if you all behave and accept your bc plight maybe I'll try to get you a golden crown too!  But the one with the biggest diamonds goes to me!  And guess what.  I don't even take anti-depressants cause they "depress" me more!  I just cry a lot.  Now that I have cheered you up I will be on my way.  I don't feel old.  I AM OLD! 

Seriously, with acceptance comes relief.  Once you get used to your new unwanted life with bc, you will do whatever it takes to survive and be grateful for all the things you hate doing because it gives you another day to survive for yourself and those who love you.  And if you really are lucky, you could become like ME!

MiaLombardo

There is no why - CANCER SUCKS no matter what age you are we are all depressed - my doctor wont give me anti depressents - she told me to feel everything - cry, laught, yell just get it all out. that was the advise I was given. I hope it helps -

Melisa

wblibrary

Mia - I think that's horrible that your doctor won't give you anti-depressants!  The anti-depressants help with the hot flashes.  I think I'd find a new doctor. 

Lowrider54

wblibrary  I think you will find the effexsor much more to your liking.  The biggest issue comes when you want to stop taking it.  As you step up to the dose that works for you - and that can happen at any dose increment - you must step down when you wish to discontinue it.  I started at 37.5 and ended at 75 where I got considerable relief and the added benefit of a big reduction in the hot flashes.  As it was explained to me - strep throat is treated with the same drug, in the same dose for everyone.  In depression/anxiety/mental and emotional health issues, it is not a 'one size fits all'.  I am so glad that you have persisted until the right combo was found for you.  I am stage iv and I have no intention of ever stopping taking it so, I am living better through pharmacueticals and that is the way it will be for a hopefully VERY LONG time!  Hugs to you!

MiaLombardo  My onc would not prescribe anti-depressants for me either but did make a recommendation to a psychiatrist that specializes in bc patients - particularly bc mets.  I finally determined that the crying mess that was me didn't have to be me and I made an appointment.  Within a few short weeks, I was starting to get to know the person looking at me from the mirror. 

Some of the anti-depressants do inhibit emotional responses when too high a dosage is given.  You do want to be able to feel, cry when it is appropriate and laugh - as my onc has a 'team treatment' concept, see if there is a certified psychiatrist on board where you go and make an appointment.  Sometimes only the psychiatrist is able to prescribe the meds.  I have a combo going on with a low dose effexsor (anti-depressant), mid dose of xanax (anti-anxiety) and as I have bone mets, a low dose of percocet (pain management) and quite honestly, things are better.  I have down days, whiny days (today is one of those) and some pretty good days.  There is nothing wrong with a little help to cope - CANCER SUCKS and anyone that has the ability to cope without any sort of help is either Wonder Woman or made of iron and should market whatever it is - I would surely buy it by the bags full! 

Hugs and best wishes to you and everyone!

LowRider (the mostly cheery rah-rah from over on the stage iv forum)

di431

First you did nothing to deserve cancer, things just happen ,even to good people. I only tried effexor briefly, my stomach could not tolerate it. I take the generic of celexa I think its called citolopram, really low dose, and it wiped out my night sweats. It sounds like you need a change of scenery, maybe try walking. Start with 15 minutes and increase a little at a time. I love my zen walk, listening to my ipod, looking at the beautiful scenery, bunnies. I also try to run through positive  affirmations while walking, it's good to get rid of stinkin thinkin.  I hope you feel better soon.