Newly diagnosed and ANGRY!!

mmmm4764

I'm new to this whole thing and I'm not even sure if I'm ready to be reaching out for support. I mean my family has truly been wonderful and trying their best to help me but I'm so angry! I'm 31 and have a beautiful 4 year old son and I just found out that I have the most aggressive form of stage 3 (possible stage 4) breast cancer. I'm in shock! I took a shower on a Tuesday and I was fine then on Thursday I went to get in and for some reason I looked down and I couldn't see my nipple. I spun around to look in the mirror and there it was, swollen, caved in and inches higher than my left one.  I waited a few days hoping it would go away (wishful thinking) then finally went to the hospital. I had no insurance so they sent me to planned parenthood - I never would have thought to go there - they sent me for a sonogram and then to a surgeon. Once the doctor saw it she immediately told me it was cancer but then the testing began. Waiting became my life! Every test result ended up with more testing. They found spots all over my body but they are all small. Biopsy's, they said would delay treatment too long so for now we're going to pretend their not there (yeah, easier said than done). I just had a mastectomy 8 days ago and start chemo this coming week then radiation at the end. I had 2 tumors, the biggest one is 11cm. I thought I was handling it pretty well, I have my moments where I'm just a mess but I would pull myself together. But now I'm fine one minute and biting someones head off the next. One second I'll joke about it with someone but then I get angry at them for doing it. I know I'm taking it out on the wrong people but I can't seem to control myself. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? How do I get past the anger? Sorry this is so long! Thank you for reading.

lovetosail

oh sweetie I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  You really got dealt a lousy  hand of cards!  you have every right to be angry and I think that's completely normal.  I think it's probably very individual in how everyone gets past the anger, and some get past it sooner than others.  Eventually, when you are ready, try to channel the energy that is now going into anger into something constructive -  like maybe learning more about your disease and treatment options.  You can and should be an active partner with your doctor in determining your treatment.  See if there are clinical trials in your area - you often get a chance to try new treatments that way and can also contribute to the knowledge base that will help everyone (including you!) on down the road.  I see you are HER2+, so am I, there are a lot of exciting new therapies out there for HER2+ cancers.

It's barely been a month since you've been dx, I think your response now is totally normal.  It is a rollercoaster for a while, but eventually it will even out for you.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.  And vent as much as you like on these forums, that's part of what they're here for!

Sue

CrunchyPoodleMama

Goodness, I'm so sorry, and like Sue said, the emotional roller coaster you're on right now is COMPLETELY understandable. Vent away, cry as much as you need to when you have a chance so you can be strong for your 4-year-old... it sounds like you're fighting this as aggressively as you can... big hugs to you!!

alison34

hi

its totally NORMAL whatever normal is anymore to get angry, i had to smile cos while reading your post i was just venting at my hubby and children and think to myself come on get a grip.

so yes its normal to feel all these ways.

i am 34 and have 2 young children but it does get easier once you get onto your treatment.

i too had a ct scan as when i had my mastectomy it was in my nodes and blood vessels, the ct scan shown 2 nodules in my lungs to small to biopsy but we carried on with treatment and i have just been scanned again and the nodules haven't changed with the chemo so there 99.9% sure these are nothing,

 so please don't worry about these spots you have as they are more than likely nothing.

i do know how you feel wondering if its anywhere else in your body, its mind blowing and very scary but be strong as you will be OK

navygirl

honey, it is SO normal...you're entire world just changed, literally, overnight. It's stressful enough as it is having no insurance, and then a young son to care for? It's scary and it's a lot on your plate. Please know you are not alone, your feelings are completely understandable and at this stage, so hard to control. Anything we can do to help, please let us know. We're all here for you!

(((HUGS)))

Bonnie 

HopeAlive

Hi mmmm4764, Your age, your 4 year old boy and your case has really touched me. There is a pastor in New York who can pray for you and there will be no trace of breast cancer in your body. He has done this for several bc patients. Based on God's direction given to him, he may even pray through telephone and you'll be totally healed. Talk to me bc2010to2020@gmail.com God will set you free from the pain you are going through. I know he is going to heal you, so that you can enjoy the good life he's given you. God bless you.

NannaBaby

I feel your pain! I was diagnosed just last week! After fighting with the medical system to FINALLY examine me!  I have been an emotional wreck! Happy, sad, angry, depressed you name it!  I have constant diarrhea, and have already lost 3 pounds since last week, because I'm so stressed out!  Everyone tells, me I'll be fine!  That doesn't help much does it? 

 We'll get through this, who cares what others think! Cry if you need to cry! I do it anywhere! at work, at home, in the bus... You need to let it out. 

 If you can get a prescription for a tranquilizer, you should get one... if you don't mind taking pills.  I take Ativan, it helps me get through the day, and helps me sleep.  It's not that expensive... for 1 month supply, it's under $20.

 Sending hugs ... I'm with you on this roller coaster!

hopeful34

I to am 34 and have a 14 year old son and when I was diagnosed my insurance said it was pre-existing and would not cover anything.  Have you tried going to Job and Family Services or something like that?  I didn't think I would qualify, but they gave me Medicaid and I at least am able to pay for my surgery,etc.  Also, ask your hospital about HCAP or financial assistance.  I know the hospital I had my surgery and reconstruction at said they automatically give a forty percent discount to people who have no insurance regardless of income.  I suppose since you have already had surgery you probably know all this, but it definitely worth a shot if you haven't tried.  As far as the Medicaid goes, they back date coverage for three months too, so it will pay for your surgery.  I know the income guidelines vary from state to state, but I would think having a child will help you and I assume if you were working you are no longer working.  I was working, but this pretty much took care of my income and health and human services offered me some cash assistance as well for temporary disability.  It's not a whole lot of money, but every little bit helps.  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  I just had my bilateral mast. w/ immed recon two weeks ago and this place has been a life saver for me.  These people understand what you are going through and venting on here keeps me from doing it to my husband and son.  Another suggestion is to call American Cancer Society and they will give the names of some discount drug cards that are free so you can save some money or your meds too.  Sorry for rambling on.  Take Care and if you need anything please feel free to PM me.  Allison

Honeybear

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this crap.   It stinks to no end!!!  I was 27 at my first stage I dx, 31 at my next stage I dx (other breast), and 32 when I was dx with mets to my bones.  Every time I just feel like this is so f***ing ridiculous!!!  I don't have any children, which is probably what I'm most angry about.  I wanted (still do) to be a mother so much.  This disease is a bummer in so many ways.  The roller coaster of emotions is absolutely normal.  All the waiting in the beginning is ridiculous and I must say, waiting is the hardest part!  I appreciate each day more, but I reserve the right for pity parties and cries any time I need them.

Gentle hugs and peace to you!  Keep us posted on how you're doing!

Jennifer

ceezee

Anger - I was so angry....when I was diagnosed - I wasn't fit to live with... The unfairness of it all -

you live healthy - give up smoking - exercise and do all the things they tell you to do and BAM!

I went to a support group and vented - like a banshee!  Some of  the less violent and inhibited people were ecstatic that someone was venting for them....The more experienced "cancer" survivors with reoccurrences  who had been around the block a few times advised me that there was "better living through chemistry"....so I advise you to get on an anti depressant and then do what you need to do - always"eat dessert first" and live each moment the best way you can!!

redninrah

Hi there All-

Im 35 and things began when in April I detected a lump while watching TV. family Dr didnt think  much of it but referred for a mammogram. Then happened all the testing, biopsis. It was awful at first. I cried every time I recieved a phone call from my DR. However, now, im just going with the flow, and joke about it. I had a masectomy done on monday,skin sparing. Just waiting for the results to decide whether what other treatment im having. I was dead lucky in detecting this lump, as I wouldnt have bothered if I didnt see an increasing number of my own patients come in with breast cancer in their early 30's

So being in the medical field, I know theres a lot of tests out there but I guess they thats required for mode of treatment. It sux though, i have two girls, 3.5yrs and a 21 month yr old. I lead an active life and everything is on hold now. Im actually worried about Chemo, so if any of you girls have had chemo recently, can you tell me what major symptoms you have. How much time off will I need from work. I cant stand being at home, so bored!!!

Also, can someone tell me, with invasive ductal, if they get everything with masectomy and chemo, whats the chances of it ever coming back, any one got any percentages on this?

LuvMyLab

I can totally relate to everyone here. I'm 37 and just dx with ILC, got surgery next week then chemo, then radiation.   The anger, frustration of having no control over this disease, depression.  From being on these boards for the last week I believe that it gets better once treatment begins.  Hang in there sweetie, yes it's horrible and overwhelming and you just want to scream F..... and punch the walls but it will get better and so will you.   I bought a meditation CD and am doing yoga as well.  I just got prescribed valium today as well if the other natural stuff doesn't work.  Big hugs to you, there's lots of women in the same boat, let's all get thru this together.

llrobins

Hi There- I am so sorry for your diagnosis.  One year ago I was in the same position you are, I was 34 years old diagnosed with Stage IV Invasive Ductal with METs to lymph nodes and bone.  It was and still is very scary, I was angry and sad all at the same time.  I have one son and I would lay in bed or be in the shower and just break down and think will I every see him graduate, etc.  However I can tell you that one year later I look back and think how did I make it and I will tell you how, not only by God's grace, but also by my Physician/Medical Team advice.  The first day I saw the oncologist he told me that this is 75% Mental and 25% physicial and those individuals who continue with everyday life have the best outcomes--he was absolutely right, it was at that time I made a promise to my son and husband that I would fight harder then I have ever fought in my life!!  I believed every bit of advice he gave me, which included continuing to work and keep up with my daily activities.  I like you could not even imagine sitting at home for 6 months and not doing anything.  I work in the Medical Field and continued with my job thoughout my treatment, there were difficult days and I was tired, but just pushed through.  My collegues at work and family gave me the support that I needed to make it through.  I will not lie, it is very difficult but it is doable and I believe that a positive attitude will get you through it all.  Today I sit her still on Herceptin and Zometa infusions every 3 weeks indefinitely, but healthy and cancer free!!  I live for today and do not think about what next month, 1 year or 5 years will bring!!  We are all young, but I can tell you are all strong women!!  Hang in there and it is definitely okay to be angry and sad, but remember you can do it!! Hugs to you all!!

 PS:  I have to agree with the post above, Ativan is wonderful for all of the chemo symptoms and to just help you relax and sleep!!

redninrah

wow IIrobins, you had it in your bones too, and you are now cancer free! Thats awesome. Its news like this I enjoy reading and makes me feel that this is really not a death sentence. Since ive been diagnosed, i broke down at the inital diagnosis and then just a few days ago, after that, ive been pretty strong and really dont think too much of it. Ive been told by numerous women and my own husband that they can not believe how strong I am, as they would not even begin to be able to cope.

 Having a strong personality does help- but we are all human and theres always going to be some times where I just want to go into a small corner and cry!

But your correct its all in the head, stay positive and this is a great curer, not just with cancer but a lot of diseases. 

Im just waiting now for my pathology results and seeing whats going to happen next. Im a bit clueless in what to expect in my results. All i know is that due to my age, they dont want to do hormone therapy, Is radiation the same results as chemo

hdangelbaby

OH girl! I felt the same way when I was diagnosed. It is completely normal to feel that way. It's so much to take in and so many decisions to make in a short amount of time. just try to remember, treatment is NOT what it was 20, or even 10 years ago. It's alot better now.