Appropriate responses to silly questions and statements

LtotheK

Hi everyone,

I've gotten some great feedback here, and I thought this would be a good one to get support on.  As all of you I'm sure have experienced, how much you tell people, when, and responding to their feedback is very complicated.

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with people and their responses, and would love some ideas about appropriate answers and requests so that I can let go of any negative feelings.

A sampling:

"I know x # of friends who've had this, they are all fine.  This is treatable."  Actually, I haven't been staged yet, await my surgery, and am unclear if this has spread.  That is not helpful feedback.

"You are so strong and tough.  I know you will get through this."  Actually, I'm not tough at all.  I'm extremely humbled by this experience, and currently spend more time fearing for my life than any other activity.

"Let me know what I can do for you."  Instead, how about offering something tangible, and then I can say whether I need it or not?  I was even thinking about doing a list of things I need help with, and sending it out to friends to see if I can get assistance.  Is that crazy?  Inappropriate?

Finally, I don't know how direct I can be, I guess it's on a continuum.  Saying, "no, that doesn't work for me" seems more important than ever.  Yet, I am having such a hard time doing it.  A friend wanted to come and stay with us next weekend.  NO!  This doesn't work!  I'm stressed, going to a milion meetings, etc...and of course, I said okay instead of no.

Leah_S

MHP, I was diagnosed in Nov of 08 and STILL haven't thought of the right answers sometimes! This is a good idea, since those of us who haven't got a clue about how to answer will finally get ideas.

When I get people saying to me "At least they caught it early" I smile gently and say, "Actually, it wasn't so early" (I'm Stage III). If they continue with "But didn't you have mammograms?" (you know, the blame-the-victim syndrome) I tell them that it was missed on the mammogram. And continue with my gentle smiling. They squirm after that. And they should.

As far as the "You are so strong" comment - I have a friend who is Stage IV who was told by someone "When someone tells you, 'You are so strong' what they really mean is 'Your life sucks and I'm glad I'm not you' ."

Learning to say No is hard. It's almost as hard as learning to say "I need help". Stress is what happens when your mind says NO! NO! NO! but your mouth says "I'd love to".

I wish you the best.

Leah