Just got the news my mom has breast cancer

hopeformymom2010

I just got news on Friday that my mom who is 73 has stage 3 breast cancer.  The dr said it is to big to do surgery on right now.  They are going to give her meds threw iv every week to try shrinking it.  They say this can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months.  She lives in MA, and I live in Ca.  I am torn on what I should do.  She has family near by, but I feel I need to be there.   I can not stop thinking about my mom, and everything she will have to go threw.  If I went back I would need to take my kids with me and start them in school there.  Has anyone gone threw this or have any advice on this?  Would I be helping or getting in the way?

cbm

Hi; I'm so sorry you have to go through this so far from your mom.  And, it's hard to know what the best thing for someone else would be.  I'm younger than your mom, and I have a stepdaughter who has two children, who I adore, and one on the way when I was diagnosed.  She was living in a distant state and wanted to come here to help during my surgery, chemo, and recovery.

We told her that she couldn't do that, for several reasons:

Kids get sick a lot, and grandmas in chemo aren't germ-resistant.  It would have been hard on me and traumatic to the kids to have to keep them at a distance.   

I didn't want the kids to have to deal with my down days.  A healthy grandma can suck it up, but not so much if you are weak, drugged, or depressed.

Life continues for everyone involved, and if they moved to where we are, whatever happened to any of them would be added to the growing number of issues.  My husband had his hands full already and had to continue working.  We would not have been able to extend our resources beyond a certain point.

I would have had a hard time conserving my energy if I had houseguests, or additional folks in the household orbit.  I can't give up management of my home and daily life.

But--I am not your mom, and I had a fairly predictably manageable version of breast cancer.  My oncology clinic is 8 blocks from my house, and my husband is self employed and his office is 4 blocks in the other direction.  I have help from many sources.  I think those are things you should also consider.

The most important thing to consider, however, is what your mom wants.  So much is lost in the first few months of life alterations--some women prefer to keep control of the things that are important to them.  Others want help--lots of it, the more the better, bring it on.

Maybe you could make a visit after her treatment plan is confirmed and everyone knows what the routine will be.  Or, you might wait to see how the plan unfolds and how she does with it.  Or, with summer coming you might plan some trips with or without the kids to spend some time with her.

I hope this helps.  I wanted the least possible drama and the greatest amount of freedom to choose on any given day what I wanted to do or not do.  But that's me, and we really all have different ways of coming to terms with breast cancer and the relationships in our lives.

Warmest wishes,

Cathy