The Battle in the Mind

pupfoster1

Just wondering if anyone else out there has the constant battle in their mind about whether their treatments are or are not working.  One minute I'm telling myself, it's working you're going to be OK, then the next I'm freaking out saying to myself, it's not working, it's coming back.  BLAH!  I have a very active mind----so much so it keeps me up at night.  I've tried different sleep aides and they do work at times, but then I feel out of it in the morning.  I've thought about meditation, I used to do yoga before all this and was actually able to kind of get into a zone.  I know I HAVE to believe it's working---after all everyone says a positive attitude helps right (not sure if I believe that either)?   And it doesn't help that I seem to always have some sort of ache or pain---which then of course I think is a recurrence.  DOUBLE BLAH!

Any tips from you ladies out there on how to put your mind at peace---at least for a little while?

Thanks,

Sharon

P.S. There's an old saying that goes "don't go to play in your mind, it's a bad neighborhood."

amlg1

I think almost all of us are with you on this.It's so hard not to think about this disease.When I was on chemo,I hardly had any side effects,and I asked my Dr."are you sure your treating me aggressivly"?At the end of my tx,I asked onco.can't you give me more?Now I am on herceptin.Just praying all this worked,then of course I think about recurrance,Just can't get it out of my head,but I won't let it rule me.

jenn3

I recently had a conversation with my sister, she worries A LOT.  She asked me how is that I could have gone through so much in my life (other stuff besides BC) and still laugh and not worry, worry, worry.  I think our wiring is different to begin with - I am not a worrier, never have been.  She worries.  I truly believe that is a big factor.  And...... I live by the motto "I'll cross that bridge when I get there".  Not that I don't plan or think ahead, I just don't worry about things that may or may not happen or that I can't control.  It's a waste of good energy.  In addition, I laugh.  I laugh at myself and the situation itself.  It really helps.  With this said, I know it's easier said than done.  But......when you start to worry, talk yourself down.  "I can't control this", "I am fine", I'll have a great day" and so on.  As for being positive.............I hate hearing that saying.  Positive doesn't kill cancer.  I'm not the bubbly, everything is okay person - I just don't worry and live each day for what it is. 

Time heals............it gets better.............

Anonymous

I often wondered during chemo if it was really killing those cells.  My head still plays games with me over that.  But when I lost all of my hair and eyelashes and eyebrows, and virtually every single hair on my body, I thought to myself, if chemo is doing this to my hair folicles I can imagine what it's doing to cancer cells.  Now after being finished with chemo and radiation since last year, I still wonder if it got everything.  I go into my dark places of fear about stage 3 and then I go thru my positive days too, so I think it's a changing, evolving state of mind and body.  One thing for sure is that every single day I wake up feeling like SH*t.  I know that's the leftover chronic pain from the surgeries, radiation, scar tissue buildup, and bone pain from the Arimidex. So the treatment leaves us shattered anyway, so it's easy to feel negative alot.

Barb

clariceak

The movie "My Life as a Dog" mirrors my attitude toward life.  The little boy has a miserable life but takes solace that at least it isn't as bad as being a dog launched into space by the Russians, doomed to orbit the earth.

I take the worst possible scenario and work down from that.  Yes, I have cancer.  The serious, may or may not turn into mets cancer.  But I wasn't dxed with detectable mets, I have a cancer that is the beneficary of millions of dollars of research money and I have health insurance which allows me to explore different treatment options.

I don't believe that positive thoughts would cure my cancer, but if I keep positive it can make my life better for me and my family. Realistic but optimistic is my current attitude.

Barb - that's funny you should mention your hair.  I didn't lose all my hair, which lead me to think, if ac/taxol can't kill all my hair cells how can it kill all my cancer cells.

Pure

Barb-I hope you don't take this the wrong way but your odds of beating this cancer are probably around 90%. You had a lazy grade 1 with minimum nodes and medium size tumour. You have sooo much to be grateful for-try to focus on that if you can. I know it's hard-I have to constantly remind myself to do that as well but you have to know the odds are in your favor your going to be fine.

When I get down I think of the 2 and 3 year olds that go through chemo and I am thankful for the life I had and continue to have. I admire children for their strength. Watching children go through cancer humbles me and my experience.

I think at one point you have to release the fear and live. If you don't then you might as well still have cancer and be going through tx b-c your being held hostage by the fear of it coming back and the anger that you got it in the first place.

As far as feeling like crap every morning-that does suck. Do you do anything nutritional wise? I do a lot of the ph living diet and I feel awsome. I think you mentioned once though that you were really into healthy eating etc. but still i wouldn't give up on trying to find a solution to feeling bad all the time. That has to take an emotional toll as well.

Hang in there....In time things will get better and you will move on. Time sweet time.

Pure

PupFoster-I was diagnosed 2 weeks prior to you. From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed bc is on my mind. I have noticed lately that during the days I have periods where I don't think about it and then it hits me again. I hear it gets better though... I recently did that test to find out my odds of survival-it was better then I expected so that has helped me a bit as well.(that and xanax:)

Leah_S

I don't think anyone who's been dx as Stage III doesn't have down times. For me, I live my life as if it won't come back but in the back of my mind it's always there.

What I mean by living my life as if it won't come back is that I make decisions and do things with the assumption that I have a long future in front of me. But the fear is always there.

Leah

kimber3006

Eyes straight ahead, baby.  Look neither left nor right, and for heaven's sake, NEVER look back!  Whenever my mind tries to go there, I remind myself that it will be bad enough going through recurrance at that time, if it ever happens - no sense putting myself through it a million times before then.  NED is where I am today.  I'm going to enjoy it for however many days I get to - hopefully another 40 years or more!  Oh, and I pray....a lot......  To be honest, I don't have much time to think about it.  Between work, radiation, working out and taking care of my home and family, I don't have much time to think about it all anyway.