family members not being nice

helenap

I dont see any discussions on this - so please advise 

 I am only a week out from my diagnosis. My two girls are dotting on me (I never get sick) and my son is attentive. Not telling my mom who is 97.  I am still emotional, not sleeping or eating. My daughter in law who is meidcal social worker and therapist is the problem. We were suppose to visit my mom 4th of July but now changed it so i can come in before my surgery. She is having a fit that we changed our plans. She is very close to her family who lives 20 minutes away and I assume feels I interfere while I am a 1000 miles away. My son calls everyday but she doesnt like it. last night when I had to call three times to finalize my plane tickets - in the background loud as can be is the comment "we are trying to have quality time here". This isnt the first time. She wasnt going to come for this trip but my son said she was  because she didnt want to look bad but she doesnt want to.

 Part of the problem is my son repeating her comments but many she makes sure i hear.

I really dont want to deal with this.. I dont need this. I dont want to lose my son and he says he isnt doing anything wrong... but i cant help but feel hurt.

Am i just being overly emotional. should I see a GOOD therapist..

pickle

Sorry to hear that your DIL isn't offering anything in the way of support. Jeesh...you would think with her background that she would be more insightful. When I was first dignosed my MIL was calling constantly and and always complained about really mundane things that I wasn't in the mood for.. She made some stupid comments like...free boob job...lucky. Halfway through chemo she said :You won't be able to milk this for much longer" Ugh! I don't talk to her much anymore. She calls ...I don't answer. I get my husband to return her calls from work because I mostly don't want to hear her BS conversations.

Try only talking to your son on the phone when she isn't home or possibly talk with him while he's at work. If he tells you about anymore of her comments just firmly say "Now is not the time" You just don't need anymore stress and distraction right now. Focus on all the good people that surround you and really limit your time with anyone who is not supportive even if that means less chat time with your son too.  It's tough when it's family but right now "It's all about you" and that's the way it should be.

Good Luck

Beth P

lmays

Of course you're overly emotional!!  Would be hard to find a woman who is not wound pretty tight a week into this odyssey.  It's terrifying and overwhelming and you're wondering if the earth will ever stop shaking under your feet.

If you haven't already found it, please look for the threads on these discussion boards that deal with the stupid things people say to us and about us that just make us go "What??"  Remarkably, these comments are very often by the people we think would be most gentle with their words at a time like this.  The fact that your DiL is a social worker is the height of irony. Perhaps during your trip you'll get a great story to share with us about her, clearly, unfiltered mouth.

You have a long way to go and a lot of decisions to make.  Pick a plan and go; whether it's to do with your treatment or your personal life.  It's important to find control right now in whatever small place it might be hiding.

Your DiL is just going to have to get over herself.  Sounds like your son loves you and cares what's happening.  Ignore her snarky comments and her tendency to be self-absorbed.

I'm sorry you've joined this club, but there is a lot of support here. ((((Big Hug))))

smithlme

Family, the ones we expect to be kind, can sometimes act the worse. I'm so sorry your DIL is being so mean towards you. Perhaps she is jealous of your relationship with your son. Just because she is a social worker doesn't mean she knows how to treat people. Let your son know that her remarks are upsetting you and that you'd prefer to talk with him when she's not around. This is your time and that's what you need to concentrate on.

I heard a lot of negative remarks from different people when I was going through my surgeries and treatment. Some people mean well and some people just want to push our buttons. Some people actually feel better about themselves that they aren't the one going through a diagnosis and say hurtful things. Your DIL is the one with the issues, not you. Concentrate on what you need and stay true to you...

Linda

sweatyspice

My two cents: 

Yes, you're emotional, as you have every right to be.

Your DIL is a jerk, try to tune her out. 

Your son probably isn't doing much wrong, except for repeating his wife's dumb comments.  Tell him you won't think poorly of her if the DIL doesn't come on the trip.  Give the woman an out, maybe she won't come and maybe that will be better for everyone.  (Assuming you agree that it's better if she doesn't come.)

Seing a good therapist might help you navigate a way to deal with your son & DIL. 

Edited for annoying typo. 

3monstmama

i agree with sweatyspice about telling your DIL she doesn't have to come --maybe allow her an out by saying you know her family/parents need her?

Also consider:  what was your relationship with your DIL before this happened?  Were you close or just so-so?  In this journey that is stupidbreastcancer, I have found that many people I anticipated would be supportive are not but its not that they are jerks as much as they really don't know what is the right thing to do.  A cancer diagnois in a family member or in a close friend is, for many people, a mortality slap in the face that makes them aware that life is not in their control nor is it permanent.  And for some woman, a breast cancer diagnois in their circle of family and friends can be particular difficult. 

I would avoid contact with the DIL--you don't need the stress.  I would also tell my son that I was NOT interested in hearing what DIL was saying so please stop telling  me. Also consider this, maybe your son is having a hard time knowing what to do or say as well.  My kids are younger than yours but still, I think they were very typical for gender in their responses.  My oldest son wanted to pretend there was nothing going on --avoid all conversations about doctors appointments etc, at all while my daughter wanted to know all, peered closely at the tiny tattoos, told me what she thought of my appearence post surgery etc.  Its not that my son doesn't care or didn't care, its just that the whole thing is so overwhelming to him that he can't think about it.

And do ask your breast surgeon about a therapist.  Many cancer teams now have therapists they can send you to who specialize in treating cancer patients.

mnmom

I feel for you as I know "family" seems to cut the deepest emotional wounds. I think some people can not deal with anyone getting attention other than them no matter what ...They can be bully like & cruel. I think it is them that need the therapy not you!

Since she already made it known that she does not want to come & is only doing it to save face you could let her know that you would not think any less of her if she stayed at her home.

Take care of you & good luck

Jelson

helenap- Imays mentions existing threads on dealing with others: they are my favorite threads, we really hash out the comments/actions - come up with belated comebacks, sooth each other, but basically we realize that most of these people are clueless - not evil. 

anyway - here is what I could find:

In the Depression, Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder board, there are three threads, the most active being The Dumbest things People Have Said.  then there is Dumbest thing my doctors have said or done. There is also a  People can be mean thread

In the Help Me get through Treatment board the moderators are soliciting stories about inappropriate comments - but they haven't gotten submissions on the thread. There is a thread there, however, called Worst Thing Someone Said to you.

Helenap - I agree, with a diagnosis of DCIS, there is no reason to tell your mom.

Julie E

ladyod

I am sorry that you have such a selfish DIL:  there, I said it!  But you can not change the way she is.  If it were me, I wouldn't want her there and I would tell my son the same.  Not to be mean, but you really don't need to be around all of her snide remarks.  I would just tell them that you are fragile at this time, your emotions are easily shaken, and you have no filter.  Because of this, you feel it would be best for everyone that if she doesn't wish to come, don't.  Tell your son, no hard feelings.  Personally, I am shocked that a medical therapist would act like this:  she of all people should know the pain that you are going through.

helenap

my son made her apologize.. if you want to call it that.

Now keep in mind she lives within 20 minutes of her family and spends most weekends with them while I am 1000 miles away and our son calls every night for 10 minutes. She badgers my son after we talk and finds a lot of fault with us.. our family is diffferent than hers. she has great parents but for some reason just has a hard time accepting us..

here is the heartfelt apology..

I apologize that my comment last night hurt your feelings.  It was not intended to hurt you and I am sorry for what I said.  Sometimes, I get frustrated and find some of your own comments to be rude, which is why I blurted out what I said, though it is not excusable.  That aside, I know you are going through a very hard time and I recognize that.  So I do apologize for my insensative comment and will be more aware of that moving forward.  Again, I apologize

psstl

So sorry you are having to deal with this! It is the last thing you need at this time. You are not being overly emotional at all. Lean on those who support you and as hard as it is to do, don't pay attention to those who don't even when they are family. LadyOD said it perfectly. It is more than OK to be selfish at this time, you have alot to deal with right now and you don't need overheard or repeated snide comments. Your son sounds like he feels caught in the middle. It is wrong on so many levels with how your DIL is behaving. It is ashame that she is so selfish that she doesn't see that she is hurting her husband, your son, as well as you at a time when you both need support. If it is any comfort, it will come back to bite her in the rear at some point. What goes around comes around!

helenap

glad to report that Daughter in law has decided that she should be supportive and has sent some very nice emails. relieved. just not having to deal with that is a load off my mind.

mnmom

So glad for you!