One Year Anniversary and Sad

frywoman

One Year Anniversary and Sad

frywoman

Today is my one year anniversary from being diagnosed. I can't sleep due to all the strange and overwhelming feelings. First, I have to thank everyone on this board for posting their questions and also those who took the time to answer mine. For months I read everything, posted some of my own, and felt so relieved to know that out there, somewhere, were people who understood everything I felt.

Today is a marked moment. I have made it a year. I couldn't have done it without this board, without my husband, without all the friends who came brought meals, sent cards, showered me with prayers and love. But I am having the hardest time moving on.

I was so focused on my cancer and my surgeries and the reconstructive complications that I feel rather lost now and don't really know how to move on. My husband was so attentive during it all. He went to every single Dr. appointment and took days off of work surrounding the surgeries, came home at a reasonable hour most nights and then when we realized that for the most part, I was going to be okay, our life went back to normal; which for him meant ridiculoussly long days. I am embarrassed to admit that I miss all the attention. My experience was truly amazing in that I have never had the opportunity in my life to feel such an outpouring of love and support and pampering.

I guess I feel a little disappointed that life has returned to normal and today is just another day. Perhaps I should have thrown a 1 year survivor party. Did any of you do that? My overworked husband doesn't seem to know/remember that today is our one year cancer survivor anniversary despite the fact that I have been talking about my crazy emotions leading up to this day for a while. For me, this was the most life changing and significant event in our 20 year marraige and the memory of the horror of waiting for the biopsy results and the fear for a few weeks while waiting for final pathology that I might die has come rushing back to me bringing with it all the nausea and anxiety.

I think my sadness and confusion lies in the realization that despite my best intentions to "change" and realize how prescious life is and to not take it for granted or get frustrated with the kids or with my husband or boss, or fuss about cooking dinner and packing lunch boxes or folding the endless laundry, or basically sweat any of the small stuff, my life did go back to normal.  I am rejoicing in the fact that I am so lucky to get my life back, cancer free, but sad that I failed at transforming our lives....to the point that I seem to be the only one aware of today's significance.

There have even been some people in my life seemingly shrug my entire experience off as if I don't deserve the right to mark this one year milestone since I had DCIS. The most difficult part of this experience for me was the slow realization that to many people including some in the medical profession, the level of worry I could express, or grief at the loss of my breasts, or now need to celebrate is expected to correlate with the stage of cancer that I had as if cancer emotions are on some kind of a sliding scale.

I have been off the board for a long while but tonight just had the need to revisit, reconnect, and celebrate with those who get it.

kittycat

Congrats on making it one year!!!  You deserve to celebrate!!!  And for those who don't think your cancer was real, tell them that DCIS can be a scary cancer.  You were lucky to find it early.  I also had DCIS.  Unfortunately, I had a recurrence less than a year from my intitial dx.  So, yes it is a very real cancer!!! 

Good luck to you and I hope you have a lifetime of NO CANCER!!!  I am very happy for you! 

Mantra

I can relate to some of your feelings. For months, everything and everyone was centred around me. My "support team" handled everything. I didn't have to do anything. There they were . . . just showed up with meals made, arranged all my dr appointments, made sure I did everything I needed to do, cried with me, laughed with me and had true heart to hearts when I needed it. . A card my daughter gave me said it best "there is a circle of love surrounding you and you are right in the middle." That's how I felt. DH worked from home every day. I was never alone from the second I was diagnosed to the second I was declared "cured." 

Then as expected, life went back to normal and I will admit I felt a little left out. People circle around you when you need it, but then life has to go back to normal. I do feel fortunate to have had so many carrying people help me through this.

I am throwing myself a one year survivor party and am really looking forward to it. This has been an unusual year. I imagine like me, others gave themselves milestones to meet and exceed. New Years was my first one. Would I be back in Florida celebrating New Years with all my neighbours and friends. YES!! When the clock struck midnight, I burst into tears and everyone just hugged me and held me and congratulated me. My next milestone was my birthday (May 4th). Would I be here healthy enough to celebrate it with my family. YES!! Lovely party filled with pure joy. And my next milestone was Mother's Day. Of all the mother's Days I've celebrated, this was the most special one.

flyingdutchess

I am about a year. Can't pinpoint exactly as I had 3 lumpectomies and than radiation. I am having another surgery on May 18 because there is a huge (size of an orange) hematoma (hard bruise) in the affected breast.  I know it is not cancer but any surgery is scary.  I was astounded the other day to find that I can be depressed about other things than BC.  My son announced he is marrying a totally inappropriate (25 years younger than him, different religion) girl (can't say woman she is only 19.  Than I realized at least I am around to get depressed.  Maybe normal is good.  If all of our life was centered around our cancer we could not learn, grow and make something of our lives.  I am trying to embrace normal but I have a wonderful supportive husband like you and it is hard to give up the extra nuturing that goes with the problem.  In medical terms it is called secondary gains.  I have known that for years intellectually, but it is another thing to actually be going through it.

Take care,  Kat

mginger

Thanks for posting your feelings Frywoman as they sum up everything I've been feeling.  I feel pressure of making my life better because when I was diagnosed, I had such a shock that I still remember:  The floor disapeered and I was free falling, I thought about the things I had not done, the things I was making a fuss about for nothing, life I did not take time to enjoy.  To add to this pressure, since I've been diagnosed, two young artists died of BC and I thought they did not have the chance I had ... Everyday I think:  time is flying, enjoy life!  But still, I rant about my job, I fuss about the lunches, I postpone trips I wanted to make.  I feel like I have learned nothing. I am just the same old me.

sunnyhou

I wish I had more time to write.. I am putting my kids to bed.

your words resonated with me so much. everything you wrote I feel or felt too.

I have my one year in July and the thought of that day makes me shake. I remember everything about it. From the day I was diagnosed to the day of my surgery, exactly six weeks I lost over twenty pounds. I absolutely could not eat. It was by far my darkest moment. There were days where I almost had my husband admit me. I was so scared and at the time had a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I thought these kids are not going to remember me. I lost my beloved, beloved dad to cancer 4 years ago. I did not know how anything could top the grief I felt when he died, but this

topped it.. I was down and out. I still feel depressed and lost, and scared. I have thought about counseling because I know it is not fair to my family. I get when you say you expected life to be different. I too have felt that. I feel like I am living the exact same life. This did not change anything, it made things worse. Hang in there. go do something nice for yourself. and know we feel what you are saying

xxoo

CTMOM1234

Congrats and happy 1 year anniversary!  I'm told with each year it gets easier to have BC be less in our lives ... may we all have very very happy and long lives full of lots of anniversaries!!!!!

cat08

I just want to share with you that your post made all the difference to me and I wanted you to know that.

It has been 1 year in April since the diagnosis, and 6 months since the last surgery and treatment. Tomorrow I go in for the first real scans and check-ups. And, recently I too looked at my life and wondered, "How did it not change? I was so happy when they told me it was over, but it is not over." and "How do I get out of the dark place I visited? It is still with me?" And, even when it was 6 months out and I though, "Should I rejoice? How? What is the thing to do to let other in on this? I could not figure it out." I could not believe how alone I felt. I felt adrift and recently, with the scan appointment coming up, experienced nightmares that, I believe, were all about the cancer and how frightening it was and though the hospitals, professionals, everything were there then, I am in a place now that is hard to describe but sounds much like yours. I dreamt the other night that an "evil, dark force" was trying to break in through the patio door and that the only thing I could do, being helpless in the dream and unable to figure out a way to stop it, was to try, helplessly, to envision how I might stop it. I woke up from the nightmare and went to the patio door and tried to figure out if I should put a chair in front of it or any sort of thing, and then I realized it was a nightmare and not reality. And, it is in that, that no matter what, that is where I am now and I did not know this is what it would be like. I am not feeling all free and easy and happy and rejoicing, "I am free. Alive. etc..." And I thought I would be when the worst parts hit. I thought this would be the time to live with capital L. But I have fallen into some of the same patterns. How?

 And I did exactly as you did. I posted at the beginning and then, for some reason, I stopped writing or reaching out to others figuring I should handle this part now. And I felt, too, who would I celebrate this all with? Everyone sent me best wishes, happiness, flowers, etc... when it seemed to be over (the mastectomy). It is not like this is over though. I know this is for the rest of my life, so what am I going to do now? Pretend I don't know this? How has this changed me? What are the things I thought about in the MRI machine, or when they were injecting me, or after surgeries, or during those awful decisions and the fear, or any of those things. But I find myself unable to truly be happy because I know, inside of me, I do not believe it is over and I am afraid., Yet I want to think about, without being afraid that I will break through and find a freedom that I no longer have or know, which was the time before the cancer when I did not even realize that I never thought about these darker things. 

 So, I would love to rejoice that I made it through, but I feel very alone in this place. I would love to be around people rejoicing in the way I know how to like the birth of a child, or a birthday where you feel like everything is falling into place, but I feel more like heding my bets, rejoicing, crying as though someone has died a bit, but that does not seem real either. It is a very, very weird place. And, the real truth is, other people I truly believe, who have not been through this, do not understand. And this I wish was not true, but I fear it is. It saddens me a bit too. It is not exactly the picture I had of cancer at all before I had it. 

But I want to share with you something really amazing in the way of trying to scan the world for signs of change or transformation without even knowing what is next... Because I do not know what is next, and probably will not feel solid in this new life of mine for awhile. On Sunday, as I was feeling rather numb and thinking the same thoughts as you about how everyone else seems to have moved on and yet, I am only starting in a way, and I did not even know how much it affected me as a human being, but how to I find myself again in a way, etc... I was standing out on the patio and a dove flew up to me and fluttered there, in front of me, only inches from my face. At first I wanted to duck quickly because, of course, I was a bit startled as I never had a bird do that before and visions of my hair as a landing pad came to mind. But, the truth is, I did see how beautiful that bird was by fluttering there for a few secons. And then it flew off, and even today, 3 or 4 days later and the check-up tomorrow, which I am terrified of, I just feel it was significant. I looked up mourning doves and their symbolism. In Native American culture the Mourning Dove is a symbol of carrying a spirit forward, and, I think in some ways, that is what I wish help with. I would like to be carried forward, but I know, I don't think I will ever not be afraid again in some ways. Or, at least that is how it feels today. I want to duck, in the way I did when the bird just flew at me. But, I am standing here too. I am trying. I am not sure anyone else can understand this really unless they went through it, and, I think to myself, "Why are you still feeling these feelings?" because there is no real feedback loop once the surgeries and the treatments, etc... are not there. And, to be honest, I feel like I am smart. I know at a gut level I have something to learn but it is taking a lot of processing on many levels to kind of move through all this. It is so much. And I don't know what is going to happen. I wish it was like a Hollywood film, you know, where there is a conclusion and this beautiful woman jumps up and goes, "I am free. Free at last. I am going to live." But it is not like that at all for me. I still struggle some days quite a bit. I think of things differently and yet I am still do things similarly. I cannot change so fast, but I have changed, all at the same time. I am still sad. I am angry. And more than anything, I don't feel safe at a core level like I used to because it was such a shock and I never thought I would be that woman where the doctor walks in the room and says, "You have some suspiciously shaped microcalcifications that we want to look at." or stand in a medical room and have a doctor say, "Wow, it is good that we took part of your breast because we discovered invasive cancer." I was never the same again and I do not even know yet what that means. 

 And the last part I want to share is this: Thank you so much for writing and posting. I do not even know why I went to this outlet tonight except that any support group I know of is during the day when I work and I do not know where else to express this. I am so glad to know there are others out there who feel the same way in this inner battle. I can make a rejoicing moment too for you, as others have posted, because it is SUCH A BIG DEAL. I am so glad you made it and can celebrate a year out from a truly devastating experience. Some times too, I wish for a hug or healing or support now because, the truth is, I still need help to cope with this. I think it must be normal. I posted a link on facebook the other day of a photographer who took pictures of an intensive care unit. A friend called and we talked for awhile about what was happening and then I told her, "Why am I looking at photos of intensive care units?" She said, "Because you are calling for help and are hurt." I think she made a lot of sense. I kind of wish I could invite others to join me in this who have not lived it, but the truth is, most of my family and friends believe everything has returned to normal and the crisis has passed and I do not want to disappoint them either. I think after my check-up tomorrow, I will throw my own little party, just me, the doves, and the sun. Let me start there.Then, I guess, I am going to check out to see if I can find an outlet or a way to cope through the next part. 

Take good care of yourself and I am so glad I found your post tonight. 

Cat

frywoman

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to post. I am sorry to have not posted sooner but I ended up getting the flu right after posting this and haven't been back on here. Life really does go on just as always doesn't it? My one year anniversary overshadowed by the flu! Hmmm.

Just as always, just reaching out to you wonderful women has helped me tremendously. I am so glad to know that you all know how I feel and that I am not crazy for the feelings I have. Cat, mantra, flyingduchess, sunnyhou, and ginger you expressed yourself so well.

Cat please do throw yourself a party. I hope that check-up went just fine! That is really hard to get through. I would almost prefer to not have them because of the anxiety they cause. I really hope you find some peace.

As for me I chose to write down the things about our fast paced life that I had hoped would change and then thought of measures that I am going to try to implement to make some positive changes happen. We'll see.. I am excited to have something new to focus on. And if it doesn't work, perhaps I too will seek counseling.

Also, I think I created a lot of anticipation and expectation for that 1 year anniversary day. Now that it is past, I don't feel as disappointed that it went unacknowledged. As you said flyingduchess, maybe normal is good.

 Hugs to all of you

iHEARTu

Although I'm not in you're position right now, I'd think most if not all of your concerns and feelings are relatively speaking 'expected'. Any kind of anniversary will bring some kind of emotion, happy or sad. I hope all of us go on to many Anniversaries, and it will be a HUGE celebration!!

A good friend of mine wants to throw me a nipple party when I get my areolas completed...I was touched she thought about it.

Because my diagnosis was one week before Christmas, I'm worried my kids (7 & 9) will relate my diagnosis to the Holidays. I think they will be OK, but as a mother, I will always remember how hard it was to tell the kids. We have a great support system, which has helped tremendously.

Prayers to you Frywoman.
-catherine

speech529

I read all your posts and had to respond and say thank you, ladies, for sharing your deepest thoughts, fears and hopes.  I am just beginning this journey.  I was diagnosed in late March of this year.  I had other medical issues brewing and had to attend to those along with this.

I am scheduled for a unilateral skin sparing mx with reconstruction with implants on June 28.  I think about what was then (prior to March) and what is now and what will be.  I don't know how I will feel in 6 months or a year.  I believe, however, that all we have done in our lives leads us to the present moment, good or bad.

Right now I am experiencing the "circling the wagons" from family and friends.  It is what keeps me going--I want to be strong and get through this for myself and for them.  I appreciate your honesty in the fact that you are sad now that you are in the "what will be" time.  I think it will be difficult for me too when everyone is letting their collective breaths out and moving on.

I am losing a breast to this--yes it is my choice because I think that is what I have to do--it is my decision.  Prior to reading these posts, I viewed this experience as an interruption in my life, an annoyance that needs to be dealt with and then I can move on.  But I realize that moving on will not really completely happen because there will always be the follow up mammos and check ups to remind me of this year.

Well, thanks for letting me share and for sharing your wisdom and your hearts.  Cat08 thanks for your story of the dove and its meaning--I live in Pheonix and we have dove in our backyard daily.  Each time I watch the dove I will think of my spirit moving forward.

hopeful34

Okay...first let me start by saying, this post and everyone's thoughts brought me to tears.  I just had my bilat mast 3 weeks ago.  I already feel like everyone has disappeared.  It's like as soon as I had surgery they thought "cancer free!"....... and while they were all celebrating the victory over BC, I am left to mourn the loss of my breasts, worry about future diagnosis', and two more surgeries for recon., fills, chemo, etc.  All this while maintaining a smile.  My co-workers are already asking me when I can come back to work, and the reality is I am not sure I can concentrate long enough to get any work done.  I am so consumed with "what-if's" right now, I can't imagine doing much of anything.  I need so badly to have the same compassion I had with my diagnosis....right now.  I feel as if my family is sick of hearing it...like I want pity or something, and that is not the case at all.  I hope these feelings are temporary.  I admire everyone here for being so courageous and strong.  It takes alot to admit your true feelings sometimes.  To all of you wonderful women...take care and I will keep you in my thoughts.  I am sorry for the whining.  It was not intended that way at all.  I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am to all you for your honesty and thank you for letting me know I am not alone.  Allison