Minister boyfriend too close once & leaves me!

Hopefloats41725

This is a blend between being diagnosed with ILC and someone I had been waiting for ALL my life.  I just turned 59.  I have been in the wilderness for fourty years and was just finally getting my life back together after getting a divorce.  It started, when I finally got all my ducks in a row.  An employee and minister graduate dropped into my department across the hall from where I work.  He had been going through a divorce for about a year and it was to be finalized in another four months.  Both of them had three small children and a long custody battle, in which he won half custody and his home back.  He thought I was single and though when he found out that I wasn't available, he kept coming in and visiting me anyway.  About five weeks later, I decided to disclose my plans of divorcing after getting a CD that was also due to mature within the four months (seemed meant to be).  During the four months, we visited and flirted innocently.  He verbally dreamed of me being his minister wife and the step mother of his children, the questions were non-ending until we started kissing and hugging.  It was only one month into our relationship that I was devastated, finding out that I had Invasive Lobula Carcinoma.  To my surpise, it didn't matter to him, he said he was attracted to me spiritually.  He stood by me through the filing of my divorceand then the double mastectomy, (though he thought divine healing would of been sufficient).  One of two lymph nodes were affected with the C word.  Instead of having the remainder of my lymph nodes removed, I stood in divine healing for months and wouldn't seek anymore treatment.  He was so sweet, though as time went by, he got too close once (no more than a light touch)!  Then he started backing off on his emails, his sweet talk, our dreams.  The next week, he apologized deeply about getting too close and stopped the relationship.  He said our relationship was just carnal and gave me a big he can't be there for me speech and that I needed someone else that would be.  This speech was in the kitchen.  Though when we got to the living room for him to leave, he stood and stayed listening to my part of what I had to say (calmly).  I told him that I didn't believe that he wanted me to be with another man and that I believe that God wanted us to be together, there was TOO many signs. When I looked up, he was sitting down, he hadn't left as yet, he wanted to listen.  I felt that God put us together, at work, he worked right across the hall from me.  His house that he earned back, happened to be right accross the street about a half mile down from my house.  The simularities were amazing, even our birthdays were one week apart and our denomination and love for God was also simular. He even said we were so much alike.  He said, that he had been all over the nation (evangelist work for thirty years) and got married for ten years, divorced and BOOM there was me.  As I talked, he continued listening.  I told him that he I had a love for him and that he did not even give us a chance to fellowship with the Lord together, just the three of us!  In fact we hadn't even had one date night!  I told him that I believed he was just worn out and stressed, due to him working sixty hours a week, had half custody of three children all under the age of seven.  That he had just moved back into his home (that he acquired from the divorce) that required much money in repairing the inside and out.  He didn't have time to fellowship in the Lord the way he wanted, he had no money to date or time to date me.  He nodded throughout the entire conversation in agreement.  I finally told him not to shut the door, but that I wanted him to tend to his business, go... get his debts paid, fellowship with the Lord and then  I felt like I had a revelation from God...I said, "and when you do fellowship with the Lord, he is going to tell you that it is ME!  It is me, we are suppose to be together."  He listened, could of left anytime, though he stayed as long as I let him and before he left he did say that, "he would keep the door open between us." When it all finally came to a close....I almost pushed him out the door for the last time (tearing up).  Alone, I thought, "What about me?"  I felt like God wanted me to continue my therapy and finish removing the remainder of my lymph  nodes (as suggested).  So I called my surgeon and within three days I was back in the hospital with my fifth surgery of the year removing the remainder of my lymph nodes and having a port for chemo inserted.  I believe that God wanted us to separate and keep my thoughts on myself, I had two more lymph nodes that had Cancer Cells!  The PET test is positive, only showed the lymph nodes.  Though now, I am panicking, crying almost four weeks now.  What will my minister boyfriend think, I have eight Chemo treatments to do.  He will see me at work, just across the hall, no hair, no eyebrows, no eylashes....I am in a franic!  Will he never come back at the end of the year, am I worthy enough for him?  He seemed to respect me more at the end when I verbally gave him the speech of "Bringing the Best out and for him attitude".  All I know is I have to let God take care of me and proceed to save my own life!  I pray that when he finds out that I am going forward with chemo, it won't matter.  During this time of his adjustment, I will be fairly occupied under "God's work in process".  Then when my minister boyfriend is financially and, physically ready to date and see a woman, that he will hear the Holy Spirit ministering unto him saying, "It is she (me), go get her".  I know that he would prefer a woman whom has a LOT of FAITH (to be a role model for his children) and stand in divine healing (without chemo or having your lypmh nodes removed).  So Sisters in Christ, please pray that my decision to have the Lord heal me through medicines and physicians, won't matter to my minister boyfriend when he finally sees me and guesses what is going on with me.  Meanwhile I will be in the Word, getting it into the midst of my heart, getting ready to help and serve others and hopefully .....be the minister's wife.  Please pray for me!

musiclovermom

I am not Biggapple - but I read your story.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. As hard a time as you are having right now, at some point you will be able to look back and see why you went through this and how it was the best thing in the long run.

I know it sounds flippant, but if you only knew everything that crashed down on me at the same time last year. I am so much happier & healthier this year and would not have given any struggles away because they have made me stronger and a better person.

Hopefloats41725

Musiclovermom, I really appreciate you addressing my message.  I got 92 hits and you and Wendy are the only two that responded.  Thank you both.  I know that you are right, all this will make me a better person for the coming year.  We have been shocked in haveing to have what we have had to endure and we don't understand.  But the Bible says to "Lean not unto your own understanding", we just have to stay obedient in God's word an will and he WILL give us the desires of our hearts.  His desire is also our desire, may every blessing we have, be returned to Him.  God Bless You in ALL your tomorrows!

Hopefloats41725

Just an update on my status.  It's been three months and all my minister ex boyfriend did was stop emailing me unless I emailed him first for the first month.  Then the second month, I tried emailing him within a group email, to advoid personal interest directed at him.  He always aknowledged my forwarded mail by saying, "Thank you, got this or that, I got your last letter and will email you as soon as I know how to reply, etc."  Then when the third month came, he took off for vacation, leaving me hanging, waiting for him to reply to the last letter that I did personally wirte.  Well, he never told me how long he would be gone, no email from him for a solid month.  Then when he did, it was, "had a nice vacation, you looked sad at work last night, Bob".  I replied to his and told him off, in a few ways, told him I have been praying for him and the kids for the last ten months and that I still have a love for him. His response.....he hasn't wrote me back since. Then I was stupid, I suppose and emailed him that I would be a friend, no response.  Then last of all, I emailed him and said, okay I would be his penpal, if that is all he had to offer.  No response........!  So it looks like, he is going on with his life.  I started just getting busy around the house in remodeling it, throughout the rest of my four coming chemo's.  It gets really lonely, but God will supply all my needs according to His riches in Glory.  Why, because I am obedient and stand in righteousness.  He said, He will give me the desires of my heart.  Maybe or maybe not, Bob is my soulmate, but neither here or there, God will send me my soulmate.  Next year is the beggining of a new me.  New hair, new eyelashes, new energy and freedom to choose!  Hallelujah!.

BeckySmith

I think you're really wise to go on with your life and not keep on waiting for Bob to make up his mind.  You DO have a new life ahead of you and you may be happier (and healthier) not to try and mix it up with old heartache and pain and indecision.

 As strong as you are (after all you've been through) you don't NEED a man to be happy.   I think you will be able to find your joy in other things--one of those things being done with cancer treatment!  :-)

 Blessings,

Becky 

shadow2356

Good luck to you with your remaining chemos. Maybe its better that he hasn't responded to you. It sounds like he was draining you emotionally but not adding much in a positive sense. Maybe someone else will come along that can give you what you need too.

Good luck  to you!

lovemyfamilysomuch

Good luck to you sweetie!  Praying for you.  I think you are better off without Bob, just focus on God and getting better.  You are a fighter and you have so much to offer this world! xo

blondiex46

Good luck to you, it is his loss!!

Hopefloats41725

BeckySmith - Thank you.  Before Bob, I tell everyone that I have been in the wilderness for fourty years.  That is two marriages, to the wrong men.  It is really hard for me to not be with anyone and be finally alone.  Never have been alone in my entire life, terrible being 59 years of age and that is 59 years of living with someone else (parent, child or husband).  Thanks for your support, still adjusting.  I know that God says, "You cannot do anything without Him".  That means, if we want the Joy, Peace and Gifts that He has in store for us, His way is the best way.  What is hardest is patience to stand after you have done all.  Let's pray for that!  God bless you too!

Hopefloats41725

Shadow2356 - Thank you.  I know the when we are obedient in the Lord's will (word), He will take those out of your lives that are not good for you and send those whom are.  Also, close the doors that need to be closed and open new doors for us.  As I told BeckySmith, patience is the hardest to endure.  God bless you for caring for others and may your blessings return to Him.

Hopefloats41725

Blondiex46 - His lost is what they say, but why do we have to hurt so much?  We have to remember God doesn't give us no more than we can bear.  God Bless you guys, you're wonderful!

aselmh

Hi,  I think God did send you signs.  The man is still married yet pursuing you... knowing that you were married at the time.  Also question why he is divorcing with 3 small children.  Some men are players , even those that put on an image that they are close to God.  Men like them have many insecurities.  I think God may have wanted you to see that ...The truth.  You, especially now, need a man who is strong and true and without insecurities.  This Bob learned something about himself and you are learning too.  And learn to love yourself so that you project the confidence to keep away the insecure men.  God wants you to live in truth.  Anyways, been there done that, and that's why I'm sharing my two cents.  Good luck.

Hopefloats41725

Aselmh - Thank you for writing me, it has been a long time that anyone has posted anything.  Here I am in October, 2010 weakening with the seasons.  All this time at work I have ignored Bob, snobbed him and then read that we should thank the Lord for ALL things.  For what we display is whether we trust in the Lord to take care of our future with a happy heart.  So instead of portraying a wounded person, I recently went to Bob and JUST apologized for being a snob.  I started out with saying, "The bible says, in ALL things, thank the Lord.  So I thank the Lord for everything that has happened between us."  Then I ended it with, "I am sorry that I have been a snob, a REALLY BIG snob, I guess I just didn't want to think of you (him) being with someone else."  Then he said, "I'm not seeing anyone."  Then an employee walked in, so I finished it off with, "See you later." 

 I could tell after all the emails that I had sent him (after the breakup) seeded in him.  I had brought him back to earth with those emails, telling him that he wasn't any better than any other Christian and he wasn't going to make me feel any less.  I said he was just as guilty as I was and etc.  I agree with you, I think Bob has learned something about himself.  The last email I had written him was I didn't want to be friends with him, but that was the last email.  I do agree he is very insecure and doesn't know how to handle a real woman, whom speaks up for herself.  His wife was eighteen years younger than him (she divorced HIM, having three small children with him). 

As soon as Bob walked out, I remembered a wonderful guy that I left behind at the age of sixteen.  I have heard for years that he walks with God and is still the same today.  So I wrote him and he was available.  We have been going out to eat, go to church together and talk about each other and the Lord.   The funny thing is, this is the same relationship that Bob and I both wanted in the sharing of another person. Though,.Bob wouldn't give US a chance for it to be.  I know what Bob and I had, he thinks it was all lust, but I told him back then it wasn't with me.  

Maybe my o'l sixteen steady is really the right one for me, who knows.   I am planning to date others, that may be possible soulmates.  We'll see what the future holds, in the meantime, I have to find ways of increasing my income by futhering my education.  Thank you for sharing your two cents and taking time to care for others.  God Bless You!

aselmh

Hi, I hope things are going well for you.  I'd be curious to know how things transpire , good luck and God bless you too.

msippiqueen

This is the 1st time I've seen this thread, Hope and it seems to me you're a woman of great courage and moving in a good direction. Please keep it up and let us know how you're doing.

I pray for the very best for you as you work toward better health and men who'll treat you with the respect one of His own deserve. 

Hopefloats41725

Aselmh & Missippiqueen....

Thanks for writing.  Today is the six month anniversary of me an Bob's breaking up.  I was scheduled for my last surgery this Oct 13th (yesterday) to do a revision of my right breast.  The assistant at the cosmetic reconstructive surgeon's office cut off the right nipple that he had made me.  Well, I finally got to go in and SEEN HIM instead, after clearing the thirty days post chemo treatments.  We had this surgery set up, then I had took an EKG at the hospital along with my blood test for surgery preparation.  I failed it!  Then they sent me to my primary for another EKG, failed it too.  They cancelled my surgery and sent me to a cardiologist for clearance.  Finally I remembered, I had a really hard pain that lasted a long time, that was the month after Bob and I had broke up.  I.E. I let the guy give me a mild heart attack!  My previous EKG which was took before my chemo treatments, they said was a difference in appearance then these last two.  They asked me if I had had a heart attack and had to explain what happened.  When I was having the pain, I remembered that I took several deep breathes (your heart has to have oxygen).  I had told myself, if I make it through this one and have one more pain following, that opefully I can get to the phone and call 911.  .  Hallelujah, I didn't have another occurence.  The cardiologist finally gave me clearance and it was verified that Bob really did break my heart (still hurts periodically, still cry).  My surgery and final one is set for Oct 21st, then tattooing.  Now, I have salt and pepper fuzzes hair, new baby eyelashes growing well, eyebrows haven't started coming in.  But hallelujah, I am making it.  

The following I posted on "Haven't been on a date since my diagnosis".   

I thought of someone...I dated at sixteen, now I am 59.  Then wasn't a good time for us,I had good reason to of let him go and broke his heart.  I finally got brave enough to connect to him, I sent him a letter.  He was available and still crazy about me back then and still is today.  Do I want to pursue it, I don't know, still dating though.  He had gained about sixty pounds, that was a downer to me.  But when he realized I was available, he went back to lifting weights and walking two to four miles a day.  With each date, he is more and more appealing to me...slimming and slimming down...still BUFF!  We are doing the same thing that I wanted to do with my ex minister boyfriend (his or my loss, dummie me still feel like...it's mine).  We go out to eat, church fellowship, then we go for coffee to know each other better.  Currently, I am ready to start dating him outside of church as well.  

Our first encounter, after fourty three years, I told him up front about my cancer and the coming chemo.  I then put him on the back burner, supposedly to finish my eight treatments of chemo.  Guess what..too lonely, I called him twice during that time and he came right up.  We are seeing each other every two weeks due to him living thirty miles away.

I also divorced after thirty one years as soon as I found out that I had cancer.  Still he comes around and talks about the convenience of living together.  I prefer to stay single verses being with the opposite person, whom is non affectionate and not good for me.  Their way or no way.  You and us should ALL hang in there. 

Hopefloats41725

I couldn't believe it when I arrived the night before Christmas Eve at work.  I was coming out of the employee garage parking lot (to walk across the street as usual) to go into the building to work.  When I was almost midway into the crossing of the street, my old boyfriend (Bob, the minister that works across the hall from me) drives up really fast to the stop sign.  He didn't even stop, he ran the stop sign and was hurriedly trying to proceed on into the garage.  All of a sudden he HAD TO STOP his vehicle or he would of hit me in the right leg!  I looked into the car and he wouldn't even look at me, he kept his head turned away (from me), just waiting for me to get out of his space, so that he could proceed with his car.  It made me feel like a piece of gravel or dirt, no recognition at all.  His face was as if he was angry that it had to be me in front of him.  Later that night I had to pass him in the hallway, so I just turned my eyes away as soon as I seen a visual of him coming.  This time, I was the one that felt like a zombie, dead, no feelings for him, whom has simply ignored me for the last eight months.  We passed each other, as usual, only this time, I didn't try to do any eye contact with him.  I have been praying for weeks for God to remove all the feelings from me that were not of him.  As a woman in Christ, I did give this man a prayer after he almost ran over me.  I have spent a year and a half believing that this man was whom God wanted me to be with.  But in reality, I know that God wouldn't have anyone treat me like a fly on the wall or a piece of gravel or dirt.  This man has never said he was sorry for anything but the one pass that he made.  God's love would never let you treat a person like this man has treated me.  In other words, it's over, it has hurt a lot, but it is reality.  I heard a saying on TV tonight, it said, "God gave him a brass ring (me), but this man threw it back to God.  It is his loss, I still pray, "God, bless him (this man) in every way."  He is confused as he has always been, I think he believes in his heart that maybe his ex wife will come back to him.  Amen, if she does, but if not, may he realize it and go on with his life without her.  

We are reaching the end of the year and I finally got my bi-lateral breast pigmentation done.  It looks REALLY GOOD!  I can't believe how great my breast came out in appearance.  I am still healing, though have had much to endure this year.  I am going to do one more PET scan on the 30th, but know in my heart that it is clear.  What does irritate me some is my nails and hair seem to of put a stop on growth.  I am about ready to start some B vitamins, but uncomfortable in doing so.  I want my hair to hurry up and grow.  It is curly on top, but the sides are more straight, thicker though.  I have already colored it, though this time I am only going to use the colors from the health stores.  If I can ever help anyone please feel free to write.  Men are so deceiving, but we are that to ourselves also, God help us. 

Hopefloats41725

So far I haven't looked at Bob, due to a christian women's site, saying I should not, if I can't look at him as a brother in Christ only.  Well, we have done some avoiding and it has been very uncomfortable at work.  Working just accross the hall from each other is very hard.  So this is my update....what do you think I should do?  

Then, Feb 04th, in which was the coming weekend. I was at work and I was cleaning up a spill, in the lobby at the hospital. Around the corner appeared Bob. I had already been in conversation with this lady and was smiling at her, when I looked up....Bob seen me and smiled back at me. I finished my cleanup and went around to the laundry hamper and when I came back out, Bob came around the corner approaching my direction. I cracked a smile at him and he smiled back. For some reason, I could not look at him any longer, but my body was pulled toward his. My department was just on the left side of me and I automatically reached out without looking at him any further and touched his elbow and arm. Then I turned to my left and went inside my department, never looking up again. I always have for the last four years worked Saturday nights alone and since we broke up, Bob has never came down the hallway at work, due to knowing it was more tempting for him to come by my department for a visit as before. But this next night Feb 05th, was a Saturday night, here he came after ten months, instead of detouring like he has since our breakup. This time he was pushing a patient and he looked straight at me and said, "I like your haircut". I was so surprized, he spoke to me first since the breakup ten months ago. Also, didn't he know that I was still wearing a wig from my chemotherapy. Whatever, he wanted to converse with me and he did. In fact, he never quit going up and down that same hall all evening long. When he was blind sided....I even caught him looking for me, as if I was in the same place where he left me the last time.  This gave me future hope, I want to believe that it is just a matter of God's timing that we will get back together again.

A few weeks later, I emailed him as a friend and said, I just want to offer help you with the children this summer if you need help. The next time we both entered the garage to park our cars for work, before walking into the builidng. I observed as he entered the garage this time, he entered and drove in very slow as if he was still in deep thought from my email, watching me in his rear view mirrow. I am trying to be a friend if nothing else. Though I know I need to work a second job, if I could ever help him with his children, I think it would be a great start. I never got the chance to meet them as yet. I really think he took this time in trying to see if maybe the children's mother may return. I also think he was confused with me, because he said that I was too good to be true, but when he found out I had cancer, he backed up from then on. I believe he was afraid to stay with me, though he is very attracted. If his ex wife does want to come back, blessings to them, if she doesn't maybe God has something else in mind for him (maybe me).

A few weeks passed and I wrote him an email saying that I am sending him a handwritten letter.  I asked him if it was ok, then just type ok.   No response from him.  I haven't got a response from any of my emails since early December.  Now, what I am thinking is, to tell him that my love for him, isn't just a love for him, I am in love with him.   Well, guess what...I couldn't send the letter.  I am so afraid of getting hurt again by rejection.  And am afraid that I am too old for his kids and maybe he just didn't want to hurt my feeling, when breaking up with me. I am afraid!  I

 know it is still a little soon, I am still in a wig, due to me having a part in the crown area and I also had to have my aereola's redone.  Spring is here and I have a new me and I want him back.  What do you girls think I should do, let him lie in the nest he built, or stir him up.  How can I get him BACK!  How do I know that he didn't put my email address as Spam and he isn't getting it anyway or maybe he just changed email addresses to avoid me ten months ago.  I won't call him.  He is still too busy with the kids (half time dad) and still works his head off (sixty hours a week) and now he has his taxes to do and the yard is comng up again.   

Hopefloats41725

Well, to all....Hopefloat lost out, though still resting in God's hands.  I thought that when my wig came off I try to get my old ex bo back.  He came into my department at work twice after I took the wig off within a two week period.  This has been a year of playing mouse, you smile, I smile, you snob, I snob, it has really been hard on how to act around him.  He never would tell me to quit emailing him, so I never made any personal acknowledgements, only spent group emails to him.  This was in a way, not too personal and then I would brag with the world, how I met the man of my life and was hoping that God's time would be right for us.   Well, he would read these group emails and he knew that I was speaking of him.  So here it was, the final countdown.  A week before I took the wig off, he spoke after an entire year of not doing so.  He said, "Like your hair".  Well, I emailed him a personal note saying that it was a wig all this time and thanks anyway.  I said it was hard and that I was somewhat vain in taking the wig off and going with my new short do.  I did it, and here he came into the department twice!  That gave me hope!  Well, we both only acted in a business gesture.  Okay, two weeks pasted and I made my mark...I emailed him and told him that God gave me an enormous love for him.  No response.  Then I realized he has been  driving an odd beat up car to work thereafter.  I studied the situation and days later, I realized it was his ex wife's car, whom I seen with it at the Big Lots in our neighborhood.  Then I emailed him again.  This time I said, "Too late, for expressing my love for you and I have to let him go, for I see his ex is back under his roof once again".  Remember, he hadn't spoke outside of what I said about my wig in the last entire year.  Well, now I had to go directly to his department and hand him a critical report that had to be acknowledged asap at work.  The guy SPOKE!   I was shocked.....he said, "I was looking at some of your emails and came across one the other day, I see now that you realize what is really important."  I looked at him and knew he meant his kids.  Then I replied, "I have always known what is important, I have just been away for awhile, that's all."  The Holy Spirit said within me, "Don't say anything else, you have said all you needed to in all your emails.  BE QUIET!"  Then he replied, "We have both been away for awhile".  I halted, looked at him, gave him a puzzled studious look, pivoted to the right, breaking my eyes away from him and WALKED AWAY, BACK TO MY DEPARTMENT, with my dignity and God on my side.  The following weeks, were really hard on me, facing him periodically at work and I had to make a decision.   Do I smile, acknowledge him when I meet him at work or do I act as though I never knew him?  It wasn't until I finally settled my mind that a lot of my tension surpassed.  I decided, to act as though I never knew him personally.  Only speak when I have to as a co-worker, not even a smile does he get from me.  I don't owe the guy anything.  All I did was have my lymph nodes removed and chemotherapy, to save my life.  God was with me all the way, I wasted an entire year holding onto dreams that this man at work left me with.  Dreams of being his wife, the step mother of his children, to have him drop me like a pancake.  I said in my email, God will bless you both (him and his wife), you are both annointed (Rhema Bible graduates) and blessed and may he take you both where you are needed the most.  As the weeks pass at work, it is easier, though for some reason I am having to hand deliver those critical reports twice a week to him now.  Last year it was two out of an entire year.  Why am I having to face him more often, I don't know, only nature does.  I love him very much, but had to let go.  He was a man of little words, decieving little words, webbed my heart and dropped me like that.  God bless us breast cancer victims in meeting the right men in our lives that look at our heart and mind, not for their own selfish reasons, but for the quality of true love and companionship.   

Fearless_One

Hope, I am sorry you have had such a struggle.   I know how it is to pine for someone and they are unresponsive or they just give you breadcrumbs, thinking there is a chance.   I won't do that anymore... 

Hopefloats41725

Fearless, thanks.  I agree with you.  The guy friend that has been with me since my chemo last year, is still close by.  I am with you....I won't commit, I won't plant seeds to commit.  I am taking it slow....especially when I know that I am not over the other one as yet.  It's hard with him being my neighbor and living only three quarters a mile from my house.  I lay in my bed and think of him down the street reuniting with his ex, flesh to flesh.  I just knew he was going to be mine, my fool emotions are almost gone finally, but it has been hard.  I don't have time to meet other people still yet, hope some day, I can find time to do so.  Maybe it is the guy I am seeing and maybe it's not, but I am not rushing into another sexual promising relationship.  I am trying to do what I have never done (lived as) before, that it to let the Lord lead me, it seems to be working.  He lays the path and I try to find and stay on it.  Much more security in it than trusting man.