Husband that only sees cancer -- Help

ostranlc

So 1st I have to give props to my husband for trying so hard to be there for me.   That being said I am asking for some advise here. 

 We have been married for under a year so I am not sure if this is part of being married or part of having cancer.

My husband has helped around the house, talked to doctors, attended the appointments and surgeries.  He hasn't missed a one. 

On the other hand -- he says I am to initiate sex because he doesn't want to be rude, has stopped being romatic and date time has turned into doctors appts.  

When I try to talk to him he gets angry and states that he is doing everything for me and how could i not feel like he is being romatic.   I am at a loss of how to explain to him that dealing with my cancer is not the only need I have.

And then I feel like a spoiled brat for even suggesting that he on top of everything else he does notice that I might need some regular relationship to go on.   We are in the middle of a huge fight now because he just feels like I am pooping everything he has done.

Has anyone else dealt with this or am I just really expecting to much from him.

BarbAnne41

I have to tell you my husband and I, we have been together 18 years, had a few arguments during chemo, not about the same topic, but other crud. Anyway he said to me I needed to appreciate all he was doing to support me, and I did feel bad. Did I have the right to complain? Sure. But I also had to really take a step back and look at everything my family was also going through and doing for me. Everyone showed their supports in different ways and I found it was easier to be appreciative of what they gave me than try to force them into behavior I thought I wanted and wasn't what was their first instinct-gosh I hope that made sense.

 As for romance, I noticed for this whole past year, surgeries, rads, chemo, my husband felt really awkward initiating it, because it made him feel like an over-sexed pig, even if he wasn't at all. So I found it just easier to initiate things for the last year, then he didn't have to guess how I was feeling and by doing it it made me feel like a normal person. I am going to guess, having been married almost two decades, that like everything else it will take some time to shift back to where he is comfortable initiating things again.

Hope that helps Take Care!

Shrek4

As BarbAnne said. I am not married, but I am in a relationship. We were barely together for three months when the cancer dx came out of the blue sky. After my surgeries, it was the same - even if my boyfriend has been my everything during all this, he wouldn't initiate anything. We talked about this and he said things along the same line - that he knew that I was still in shock after the dx, that I had gone through so much pain, and that even if he still found me attractive despite the bad swelling and scars from surgery, he was afraid to initiate anything, because he was didn't want to come across as insensitive. So, after our talk, for a couple months I was the one to initiate things, and now we are back to normal. Our love life never had anything missing even through this hard time.

So, try to be the one initiating things. It is possible that in the beginning he would still be afraid to hurt you (my boyfriend was) but he will come along in the end.