BRCA2+ and depressed

kittycat_blue

Hi all,

After finding a lump in my right breast, I was diagnosed in June 2009. At that time I was 35. I was supposed to have surgery in July, but then they found that I had DCIS in the other breast. Subsequent tests showed that I also have a mutation in BRCA2, which implied to me that I needed a double mastectomy. I was scheduled for that in August, when I found out that my surgeon hadn't advised me on a whole range of stuff, including the fact that chemo would destroy my eggs and I might want to harvest some. I changed surgeons and hospitals at the last minute, and didn't end up having my mastectomy until October 2009 (I did two rounds of egg harvesting before surgery).

Until this time we had no idea whether any of my lymph nodes were involved. Unfortunately they found 3 positive lymph nodes, and my oncotype score meant that chemo was definitely necessary.

I wound up in hospital again over Thanksgiving weekend, due to an infection associated with one of my implants. It was such a traumatic time, made even worse by the fact that NO ONE except my boyfriend came to visit. Due to that extra surgery I didn't start chemo until Dec 28.

Now I've had 4 rounds of AC, once every 2 weeks, and have had 3 rounds of taxol, once a week. I still have 9 rounds of taxol to go. The taxol is definitely easier to tolerate than the AC, but emotionally I'm a mess. I feel like I've used every bit of emotional strength I have to get this far. I'm severely depressed, I can't sleep, and I cry all the time.

Some of the things I struggle with are the fact that this journey seems so never ending. I know that that's not true, but I feel like I've been dealing with this for so long, and even when chemo is over there'll be another surgery to replace the temporary expanders, and then my OB/GYN has said that I ought to have my ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus removed. This fills me with despair. Is there going to be anything left of me? Rationally of course there is, but I feel like all of my womanhood is being taken away.

And I'm scared of the cancer coming back. Because of my BRCA status, I know that that's really likely, and what if I don't catch it early next time? I didn't feel like I had cancer this time, even after they told me that I did. But breast cancer is easier to catch early than cancer in some internal organ, so how will I know if I'm sick in the future? And I'm 36 now, I should have so much longer to live. What kind of life will it be if I'm always second guessing whether I have cancer?

 I haven't found any other BRCA postings on here yet. Is there anyone else out there that can relate to what I'm going through?

fionn

Hi i am also braca2. I was dx 5yrs ago and it was a really traumatic time because it is hard enough to be dx with breast cancer and then to be told i would need a full hysterectomy as well, was totally frightening. I had a bilat op followed by 4 chemos at 3week intervals, a few weeks later i went in for my hysto and have been on aromasin since. Thank the Good Lord i have been doing really well and am back to leading a normal life. It is hard at the beginning to come to terms with all the medical jargon especially when you are only 38years old but i just had to get on with it and believe me the time does move fast. My thoughts and prayers are with you and if you need help let me know. I know at the time i was very depressed and cried all the time but it does get better as time goes on. All the best xxxx

NatureGrrl

I'm not BRCA2 but I know what it's like to hit that wall and feel completely overwhelmed, cry all the time, and wonder if it will ever get better.  I was about the same point in chemo as you are (I keep wondering if chemo doesn't help induce depression, but considering how much we have to deal with after a cancer dx, I suppose it's impossible to answer that question).  I remember sitting in my office and hearing coworkers in another office laughing, and wondering if I would ever be that lighthearted again and if I would ever laugh spontaneously again. 

It took time and a multi-pronged approach but I can tell you that it does get better... even when it feels like it won't.  And it feels SO good to find myself laughing out loud, and enjoying life again. 

I was severely depressed when I went through chemo.  Fortunately I was seeing the ongologist's staff therapist, and I finally told her I thought I needed an antidepressant.  I hate taking meds (so you can imagine how I feel since starting chemo!) but I knew what I needed and it helped, a lot.  It didn't make me happy, and I still had an overwhelming amount to deal with, but it helped me get on a more even keel so I wasn't so devastated all the time.  It also helped to talk with the therapist and with other breast cancer women.  I don't know if any of this appeals to you, but if it does, give it a shot. 

For non-cancer reasons several years ago, I had to deal with a hysterectomy and my subsequent inability to have children and I can tell you that that's also a grieving process, so if you're facing that possibility, it's no wonder you're crying and overwhelmed.  It just seems like one thing gets heaped on top of another.  I was completely open to adoption and to the idea that motherhood isn't in the uterus, it's in the heart, but it still hurt like crazy to not have that option. 

I think we all live with the fear of cancer coming back, some more than others... I don't have a good answer on how to deal with that... The best thing I know to do for me is to accept the feeling and then try to move on, and embrace the life I have now, but it's easier said than done, especially when you're in the middle of treatment.  So far my drs are closely monitoring me for reoccurance and I have to trust that that will help.  I also have learned to listen to my gut because I, too, felt great (actually the best I had in a couple of years) when I found my cancer, but my instincts were telling me something was wrong.  I'm doing what I can to live a healthy lifestyle, not because I believe that it will guarantee anything, but because it gives me some small control over what I can control and hopefully will give me an edge. 

I wonder that there isn't a BRCA forum here.  Might be worth contacting the moderators about!

Be gentle with yourself.  You're going through such a lot.  Know that there are lots of us who understand the feelings and who are supporting you... warm hugs!

onesickboob

 I am BRCA1+ and we are the same age.  I have an appointment with my OB/GYN in a few weeks and hope to talk her down from hysterectomy to oopherectomy.  I am weary.  I don't want any more surgery/parts removed than necessary.  My oncologist thinks that an oopherectomy is sufficient and I also spoke with a family friend who is a gynecologic oncologist and he agrees. 

You are doing everything you can right now to kick cancer's ass.  Take strength in knowing that.  And you have eggs, so you have options. 

I can relate to the fear.  I am not quite sure how to make it better, either.  I can tell you that over time, mine has either gotten better or I've just become accustomed to the underlying anxiety.  Being BRCA+ makes us special.  My spin is that at least we have a better understanding of WHY; our doctors know that there is additional risk, so they know what to look for.  I can't help but think that it is somewhat good that our disease is a little bit less of a mystery, despite the known risks.  We have the only identifiable breast cancer gene and knowledge is power, right?  I may be crazy to think this way, but I had to make it a glass half-full thing for my sanity. 

Hang in there!  Feel free to contact me if you want to talk.  Best to you!