Strange way of dealing???????

deltabelle

I am so lucky to have a very special husband  that I know loves me and wonderful grown children that put their arms around me all the time even though they live far away.  I guess I am going through a delayed loss period.  I had a dbl mx in December (diep tram flap).  I had the best doctors in the world but sometimes things just don't go as planned.  Blood flow to the right breast stopped and after 3 attempts to correct we decided to take the implant alternative on that side.  As of last week I have one breast that is tissue from my on body and an implant.........and I am cancer free!

My problem is I feel detatched.  I deal with my loss with poor attempts at humor ,"the breastless woman..."..(I do have breasts..I just have not accepted them as mine)  I don't know how to express this to my husband...I don't want him to worry but I know he thinks this is not my normal behavior, and it is not......this is my starting point....what is with this feeling of detatchment?

NativeMainer

Feeling detatched is not abnormal, and probably not even unusual.  We go through so much during diagnosis and treatment, and things move so fast that we don't have much chance to process things emotionally.  When we finally do have time to pay attention to our feelings it's usually months or more down the road.  We aren't expecting to be dealing with emotional issues, and the people around us often think things should go "back to normal" now that "treatment is over."  The reality is that we have a HUGE amount to process emotionally at a time we are tired and depleted by treatment, surgery, radiation, etc.  You are feeling detached becuase you're emotions don't know where to start.  Or, perhaps, your primary emotional response is one that isn't acceptable in your family or setting.  For me that was anger.  Until I blew up at someone who gave me the "be positive" line one too many times I was feeling detached, but then I realized that I was really angry, and needed to admit that, but I come from a family where the expectation is to "be strong" and "never complain" and "be gratefull for all the treatment available today." 

If detachment is where you are right now, that 's ok.  There is no such thing as a "wrong way" to feel about all this.  You may find a support group helpful.  You will find this board helpful.  In both places you can say what you feel and not worry about being judged or people not understanding.  I found talking to a counselor helpful at this point. I used the Employee Assistance Program from work to find a counselor, but the oncologist's office can put you in touch with an oncology social worker. My couselor told me that I was feeling detached at times when my brain needed a break from the emotional turmoil, or when I was around my mother who expected me to always "be strong like your father was" (my father died of cancer) when I wasn't feeling strong.  

So, I understand the feeling of detachment.  It will probably come and go; it did for me, and occasionally still does. Feeling detached is common  during grief, and you have suffered a loss.  Not only do we need to grieve  the loss of breasts, but the loss of faith in our own bodies, the loss of a future, or potentially a loss of a future, we need to adjust to a future full of uncertainty, and living with side effects, many permanent, of treatments.  One social worker I talked with told me that it takes a full year to completely grieve the death of a loved one, but the greiving associated with a cancer diagnosis often doesn't really start for a year, and then takes more than two years after treatment is done to work through.  Hang in there, it does get better.  

kittycat_blue

I know how you feel, deltabelle. I had my double mastectomy in October last year, then spent Thanksgiving weekend back in the hospital due to an infection associated with one of my implants. I also haven't accepted my new breasts yet. They feel like these lumps that have been pasted onto me. I think perhaps maybe the trauma of going through multiple surgeries to get these breasts in place may be influencing our feelings.

 I don't have any answers for you, but I think NativeMainers post was excellent. I guess we just have to hang in there for now.

NatureGrrl

I think Mainer hit it all, just wanted to add my support... there's no wrong way to feel, and you'll get through this, in your own time and in your own way.

And CONGRATS on being cancer-free!  Isn't that a great accomplishment?  BIG warm hug!!!

I know for me from the moment of diagnosis everything happened so fast that I really didn't even have time to register that I had cancer, let alone deal with all the ramifications of everything else, emotionally.  Now that I'm a year out and starting to feel better I'm also starting to digest what happened to me.

Detachment, for me (and as mentioned), is a good way to cope when I'm too overwhelmed to feel anything any deeper, but as I get through the overwhelmed part, I can explore what I'm really feeling.

I second the reommendation to find support in whatever way works for you.  Family and friends are great to share with but for me it also really helps to be able to share with those who've been there (support groups) because they really do know what you're going through in a way no one else can... and it also helps me a lot to share with a therapist.  My oncologist's office has one on staff; she deals with cancer all the time and has been a real lifeline for me.  A therapist might also be able to help you articulate your feelings to your husband better. 

Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, know that it's all normal! be gentle with  yourself, and know we're with you...