Strange way of dealing???????
I am so lucky to have a very special husband that I know loves me and wonderful grown children that put their arms around me all the time even though they live far away. I guess I am going through a delayed loss period. I had a dbl mx in December (diep tram flap). I had the best doctors in the world but sometimes things just don't go as planned. Blood flow to the right breast stopped and after 3 attempts to correct we decided to take the implant alternative on that side. As of last week I have one breast that is tissue from my on body and an implant.........and I am cancer free!
My problem is I feel detatched. I deal with my loss with poor attempts at humor ,"the breastless woman..."..(I do have breasts..I just have not accepted them as mine) I don't know how to express this to my husband...I don't want him to worry but I know he thinks this is not my normal behavior, and it is not......this is my starting point....what is with this feeling of detatchment?
Comments
-
Feeling detatched is not abnormal, and probably not even unusual. We go through so much during diagnosis and treatment, and things move so fast that we don't have much chance to process things emotionally. When we finally do have time to pay attention to our feelings it's usually months or more down the road. We aren't expecting to be dealing with emotional issues, and the people around us often think things should go "back to normal" now that "treatment is over." The reality is that we have a HUGE amount to process emotionally at a time we are tired and depleted by treatment, surgery, radiation, etc. You are feeling detached becuase you're emotions don't know where to start. Or, perhaps, your primary emotional response is one that isn't acceptable in your family or setting. For me that was anger. Until I blew up at someone who gave me the "be positive" line one too many times I was feeling detached, but then I realized that I was really angry, and needed to admit that, but I come from a family where the expectation is to "be strong" and "never complain" and "be gratefull for all the treatment available today."
If detachment is where you are right now, that 's ok. There is no such thing as a "wrong way" to feel about all this. You may find a support group helpful. You will find this board helpful. In both places you can say what you feel and not worry about being judged or people not understanding. I found talking to a counselor helpful at this point. I used the Employee Assistance Program from work to find a counselor, but the oncologist's office can put you in touch with an oncology social worker. My couselor told me that I was feeling detached at times when my brain needed a break from the emotional turmoil, or when I was around my mother who expected me to always "be strong like your father was" (my father died of cancer) when I wasn't feeling strong.
So, I understand the feeling of detachment. It will probably come and go; it did for me, and occasionally still does. Feeling detached is common during grief, and you have suffered a loss. Not only do we need to grieve the loss of breasts, but the loss of faith in our own bodies, the loss of a future, or potentially a loss of a future, we need to adjust to a future full of uncertainty, and living with side effects, many permanent, of treatments. One social worker I talked with told me that it takes a full year to completely grieve the death of a loved one, but the greiving associated with a cancer diagnosis often doesn't really start for a year, and then takes more than two years after treatment is done to work through. Hang in there, it does get better.
-
I know how you feel, deltabelle. I had my double mastectomy in October last year, then spent Thanksgiving weekend back in the hospital due to an infection associated with one of my implants. I also haven't accepted my new breasts yet. They feel like these lumps that have been pasted onto me. I think perhaps maybe the trauma of going through multiple surgeries to get these breasts in place may be influencing our feelings.
I don't have any answers for you, but I think NativeMainers post was excellent. I guess we just have to hang in there for now.
-
I think Mainer hit it all, just wanted to add my support... there's no wrong way to feel, and you'll get through this, in your own time and in your own way.
And CONGRATS on being cancer-free! Isn't that a great accomplishment? BIG warm hug!!!
I know for me from the moment of diagnosis everything happened so fast that I really didn't even have time to register that I had cancer, let alone deal with all the ramifications of everything else, emotionally. Now that I'm a year out and starting to feel better I'm also starting to digest what happened to me.
Detachment, for me (and as mentioned), is a good way to cope when I'm too overwhelmed to feel anything any deeper, but as I get through the overwhelmed part, I can explore what I'm really feeling.
I second the reommendation to find support in whatever way works for you. Family and friends are great to share with but for me it also really helps to be able to share with those who've been there (support groups) because they really do know what you're going through in a way no one else can... and it also helps me a lot to share with a therapist. My oncologist's office has one on staff; she deals with cancer all the time and has been a real lifeline for me. A therapist might also be able to help you articulate your feelings to your husband better.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, know that it's all normal! be gentle with yourself, and know we're with you...
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team