Business Week Article

bejuce

Hi ladies,

Business Week has an interesting article (click here) on medical costs.

The article talks about a family's struggle through a kidney cancer ordeal and the absurd costs of treatment (much of it covered by insurance).  The article was very emotional to read (I cried in the end).  My hubby read it first and then recommended it to me.

What was interesting was that in a converation we were having over dim sum yesterday, he mentioned to me that he was impressed that the patient in the story had (for months) hidden from his wife the fact that his cancer had metastasized to his lungs to spare her of the pain of seeing him suffer. Then my hubby said he'd be impressed if I did that to him too, that if my cancer were to return, I'd somehow spare him of the pain of it - at least for a while.

I was very taken aback by his comment - does that mean he can't take the pain? How about me? Should I just go through it alone? I don't think I could do that... This is so old school to me.  I know women that went through cancer treatment alone (10 years ago or so) because of the stigma associated with the disease.  But we're in 2010! And why should I hide anything from my family, who should be my biggest supporters??? 

What do you guys think? Would you hide a recurrence from your significant other and kids? How is this even possible? Is it better, knowing that the cancer will eventually take your life in the end, to spare your family of the pain? I for one would be trying every single treatment available out there and would not give up...

Let's open up the line for a frank debate...

Thanks!!

Marcia

AsiaYM

I would only hide it from my parents, it would be too much at the beginning, they would  find out sooner or later, I prefer later.  Hugs, Karen

Pure

Stage 4 could mean another 5-10 years of living for some of us so thats a hard one. I wouldn't tell my children until more down the road but my husband I would tell asap.

lkc

Hi Marcia, I have actually " thought about this" scenario, if this happened to me, but only briefly .

 My husband took my  Ca dx badly, but he dealt with it , and overall he helped me the most.

 My parents are gone, so I don't have that concern. I would also share this with my grown daughter.

Perhaps your DH was just thinking aloud about the ifs... Husbands process these thoughts  differently I think.  My DH sometimes says things too, that surprise me, but in the end it's what he does that really matters. 

KerryMac

I would imagine my husband would be there when I found out. I couldn't even imagine not telling him, and he would never expect that I wouldn't.

The kids I would tell too, but not what it meant. We were pretty open with them after I was first Dx, and I think they do better if they know what is going on.

My parents and In-laws I would probably tell too, although a lot would depend on their health at the time.

Cowgirl13

I can't imagine having to hide a recurrence from my spouse.  With all that one would have to go thru and then to be totally alone and hiding every day, I just can't imagine.  I would almost rather be dead than have to go thru it that way.  Sorry, Bejuce, this really brings up a lot of feelings.  

Lizzie 

kimber3006

I can't imagine not telling my husband.  When we married, we pledged to take one another for better or worse.  We're doing this life thing together.

My son only just turned 5 so all that he knows is that I had cancer, the doctor took it out, and I'm getting special medicine to keep me from getting it again.  I'd leave out "terminal" part until it was unavoidable.

I wouldn't hide it from my family or my in-laws, either.  I can't imagine even trying.

karen1956

don't even know what I would do....but I can't imagine hiding this from hubby or kids especially if I was going through any Tx...two of my kids are grown (one is married) and youngest is turing 12 later this month.....

3monstmama

Hope its okay to post a response.  I didn't tell my spouse right away when I found the lump that lead to my diagnois because as we all know, lumps can be nothing.  But when they sent me for the mammogram/biopsy, he knew I was going.  I can only imagine not telling my spouse about my diagnois if we were not getting along--as in possible separation, ending marriage.  As someone else--and my husband--said, it was for better for worse in sickness and in health.  Then again someone might be in a marriage--a marriage that works for them but not for me--where they don't share everything.

What you tell children depends on the age of the child.  My youngest knows that mama had to have an operation and is going to the doctor alot but thats it. My older two know that I have breast cancer and I try to keep them appropriately informed about treatment.

But parents, for me, can be a different story.  I think that depends on your relationship.  I haven't told my mother and have no intention of telling her.  She is in her 80's, completely self absorbed, narcessitic and unpredictable.  She doesn't respect me as an adult [and never has] and wouldn't hesitate to tell me I'm making "wrong" choices in my treatment so in essence, she is about as supportive as a piece of glass in your shoe. 

In contrast, my mother in law does know.  She is very loving and supportive and not at all judgmental.  Her biggest concern is that I don't overdo.  When we first told her, her immediate reaction was to ask did we want her to come out to help.  And she is coming to visit for the last two weeks of radiation as we figure she will be a great distraction to the kids.

Billynda

I'm too much of an open book.  Everyone who knew me would know something was terribly wrong anyway, there's no way I could even think of hiding it.  I would want the support of my family, and I think they'd feel betrayed in a way if I kept it because they would want to be there to support me.

YATCOMW

My husband is the one that keeps me sane.......I don't think I could do stage IV alone.

 

However I do know that I would not worry my children until I had to  Like PURE.....I think I can hold out enough years at that stage that I wouldn't want them to worry that length of time.  When I had to tell them then I would.  I have these incredibly happy and outgoing children.  I would hate to see them sad due to me.  Yep..... I would hide it as long as I could.

 

Jacqueline 

SpunkyGirl

Ugh.  This is good food for thought.  My DH has brain cancer, so I hope I never have to face this again, but if I do, I definitely will hide it from him for as long as humanly possible.  Honestly, for me, I guess I'm like Billynda, and that would be for about five minutes.  I don't even want to go there.....in the past when I've had a few scares (you know, the little lumps/bumps or pains  that terrify you), I didn't say a word to him.  I just quietly made the doctor's appointment and went on about my business.  I think it would be the best thing, but it would SUCK.

Marcia, in your case, I'd say your DH shouldn't have said that.  You need him, and he needs to know that he has to be your rock!

janincanada

Not a chance! I would tell him immediately.  Actually, he would here it from my onc as he hasn't missed an appointment in my 2 year journey.  He keeps telling me we are in this together and he has been my rock.  We have shared it all, and I can't imagine even wanting to keep even the possibility of mets from him.  I would also tell my children; they are 24 and 26.  I would tell my close freinds and my family, though I would consider not telling my parents who are 87 and 91.  In reality though I would probably telll them because I get irritated with her when she doesn't tell me issues about her health.

Billynda

I wasn't thinking about the issue of my kids.  They are obviously to young to understand (which I count as a blessing).  I think I'd want to tell them I had cancer and I'm taking medicine to get better.  I know they'd hear the word cancer a lot anyway so I'd want to be the one to tell them instead of them just hearing things that they didn't think they were supposed to hear.  I'd want them to feel comfortable asking us questions, and I'd try to answer them without lying but easing their fears as much as possible.  That would be HARD!!!!!