Anyone else not changed by cancer

rubyredslippers

When i was first diagnosed, a breast cancer nurse said things like, women find that they no longer deal with people that they dont like, dont put up with shit etc etc....

It's been around 1.5 years now...Im still in a bitchy work environment, letting people walk all over me, have no confidence in myself, and basically dont care if I die anymore. Still eat junk food too.

I always heard that getting cancer is the big life changer...so what happened to me?

REKoz

I'm sorry you're feeling this way Ruby. Some of what you've written (ie; lack of self confidence, bitchy people at work) seems like they were issues for you before bc. So now, 1.5 years out, they may only be bigger battles for you to fight.  Are you on any anti depressants? I am not a pill pusher by any means but I know from both personal experience and from the experiences of our sisters here, they can make all the difference in the world. And finding a good therapist can absolutely help you to regain some power over your issues. It is very concerning that you don't care if you live or die. Do you have family or important loved ones in your life? If so, I'm sure they care if you live or die!

You and I are in similar time frames as far as our bc experience. I am definitely not one of those who has been "transformed" by this experience in the way you described. I sure have taken some steps to keep myself healthy but I have a LONG way to go. I know that after I finished chemo, I really went into a funk....the PTSD emotions that are so eloquently discussed on these boards. I THINK I am just getting past that fish out of water feeling...knowing I am not the same as pre cancer but little else about who I am moving forward.  It's not like I had any revelations and so now it's over. I think it has more to do with learning to be gentle with myself (I never seemed to be able to get those fire and brimstone nuns voices outta my head...never EVER good enough- especially in God's eyes!). Every day I have to tell myself that however I feel is OK and that tomorrow I may feel differently. Sometimes, tomorrow sucks as well BUT if I go by that "day at a time" rule, I find that there ARE good days within my grasp. As time goes on, I am able to look back and can see that the numbers of days I went through feeling better is actually growing. Aside from time, I attribute much of that to therapy and spending time on this site to see and talk about how others are coping.

By starting this thread, you have taken a positive step forward. Please consider using all the tools available to help those in need of emotional healing. God knows, having gone through bc is not a challenge to be dealt with alone.

My very best to you.

Ellen

dreamwriter

Dear Ruby... the person you take to work is not the person who goes home after.  You have fit yourself into a certain role and returned to it.  Maybe not standing up for yourself is a way of proving that you are the same.  But you are not.  You have been through some major trauma and survived.  That should make you stand tall.  If you dont want to be walked over then start to change that with baby steps.  Make a priority list of what you have to do and when the b*tches want you to do more ask them what they would like removed from your priority list in order to do "their" work.  Remember you only have one boss.  That boss expects you to do the tasks she/he gives you.  So concentrate on those jobs.  If anybody else wants to add to your workload refer them to your boss.  "Id be happy to do that for you, but everything has to go through Boss now.  You will find that those requests will drop, cause they wanted you to do part of THEIR job.  If the situation is nasty, keep your head up and remember you SURVIVED cancer.  Think of those whiney b*tches going through what you did and you will know that you ARE changed.  Its them that havent and you fit yourself in like a puzzle piece to fit within the norm.  Its up to you to change the Norm and have some respect for yourself.  Your boss sees you as someone valuable.  Dont allow your desk to be the garbage pail of the office.  Oh dont wanna do that, lets give it to Ruby.....  Make sure your boss sees the work you are doing or he or she may think that you are failing in keeping up the the tasks you are supposed to be doing.

If you are depressed, see your doctor, get some meds.

If the office environment sucks, find a new job.... you have job skills up the wazooooo.

Remember, you have changed, you should respect yourself for that.

rubyredslippers

I realise now that I got the title wrong here. I dont seem to be able to edit it now. Of course I dont mean that cancer hasnt changed me at all...how could it not. What I meant was, I read so often women who say "I changed my life...." "I no longer eat...." "I now no longer tolerate..." etc like theyre now some king of superwoman. I often feel like a failure because I havent done that yet. I was wondering if anyone else felt like that

Sugar77

Dreamweaver - what great advice you gave Rubyslippers.  When I go back to work, I will definately be heeding your advice and having tasks go through my boss.  A lot of people ask me do do little tasks for them but it all adds up and can get very overwhelming. Thanks!

CaliforniaCloud

Ruby,  if there are things that you would like to change in your life, I totally agree with Dreamwriter.  Use the experience to kick start your confidence because cancer therapy requires both inner strength and determination.

For me, I am 13 months post lumpectomy and just finished my Herceptin infusions last Tuesday, so I actually just concluded my treatments; however, I never expected anything to change in my life and, except for a few scars, it hasn't.  I, too, had a few months of the blues following chemotherapy, but like Ellen the days of feeling good start to accumulate and soon I was just me again.  Failure?  No, I think it is wonderful!

***** Okay, okay, I lied.  I just re-read what I wrote and one thing has changed: I got so used to having a reason not to thoroughly clean my house each week that I am having trouble finding value in vacuuming and dusting--I'd rather read or work in the garden.  Failure?  Hmm. . .Not unless I have unexpected company!

Cheers!

Cloud