4 years

Jorf · March 2010

It's been a very long time since I've been here. Very very long since I was a regular. But it's anniversary time so I've been thinking more about it. Last night was one of those situations that I looked in the mirror and had that momentary rush of fear, surprize, grief when I saw my "breast" (unilateral implant). The scars are fading. The sensation is coming back. But every so often I am stunned by it and the reality that cancer was/is. I've gotten to the place where I almost forget the hell that 4 years ago rained on my life. And then I almost cock my head like a puppy and say, "Did that really happen to me?" Or I look in the mirror and say, "How did that happen?"

Maybe it's the memory loss with the chemo and menopause!

Anyway, I just wanted to write this down. That 4 years ago today was the last time my body was intact as it was meant to be. Tissue virginal to the surgeon's knife. It was the last day that I would feel the peace about my body and body image that I'd worked so so hard over 25 years to attain. It was the last day that I doubted my body's ability for strength and healing.

But it was the first day that I really understood how humor and forward thinking keeps you going into the following day. I understood that no matter how much I visualized and affirmed that (as suspected) some things happen the way they are happening anyway. I understood that we do what needs to be done and we all have different ways of doing so.

Anyway, here I am. I am what I am. Better off in some ways, worse off in others. Some losses, some gains. But wouldn't it have been that way anyway? My body's a little strange looking but if anyone notices they're looking too closely.

Best to all.