How do you look in the mirror?

BulldogluvrBeck

I am having BiMX march 1.  I am good with that decision. Please tell me how do you look in the mirror?   You come home bandaged and drains, etc. But when did you actually look and understand?  How does your brain react to such a loss. I am having no recon at this time.

Thanks always for the support! 

ladyod

First of all Good Luck next week!  Everything will turn out great!  I am just one month out and still changing, so keep that in mind...I too was very curious about what to expect and although my doctors showed me the end results (2 - 6 months out) the first couple of weeks are not what I expected.  Of course it will depend upon what type of reconstruction you are having right after also.  I had immediate implants so I always had somewhat of a normal shape.  I remember looking down at my chest in the hospital and asking the plastic surgeon "is this all I get?"  At that point I was about a A cup. I saw myself for the first time when I showered the first time which for me was a few days after my surgery.  I had both nipples removed.  There were sutures running across the breast about 4 inches, and I looked kind of "square" for two weeks.  Now I have rounded out and once my sutures were taken off, I think it looks better than I thought it would.  My implants are still settling, so my shape keeps getting better. I think I am now a B to C cup. I showed a friend of mine what I looked like in a bra and she made me feel great saying "Wow that looks normal!" sort of in a "I didn't expect that voice" lol  Just like anything, making a decision for a BiMX is a balance of what will be best for you.  My husband had asked the ps how long the scars would last and was told about a year.  I told my hubby that when he saw the scars to know that I was cancer free and that is what it is all about!  God Bless you!  You will do great!  As one of my friends who had a mastectomy and no recon said "Boobs aren't all they are cracked up to be anyways!"

ladyod

Sorry, I didn't see that you were not having any recon and went into a whole speel of my recovery, which is quite different since I had implants immediately.  I have a friend of mine who had a unilateral mastectomy and chose not to have recon.  Her wise words to me were "Boobs aren't all they are cracked up to be anyhow!"  Good Luck to you next week!  You will be fine! 

Susie123

Hi,

I'm sorry we have to go through things like this. I had a bilateral mast with tissue expanders placed at the same time. However, the tissue expanders are pretty flat to begin with so I got a good idea of what it looked like. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected a huge scar, but there were only 2 small scars. My surgery was about 5 weeks ago, so my tissue expanders only make me look like I need a training bra at this point. It wasn't as devistating for me as I thought it would be, I hope you'll feel the same. Sure, I was attached to my breasts, but I am more attached to my life! I'll be keeping you in my prayers, Susie

cooper317

hello,

this is my post...

last feb. 5th, 2009, i was dx with dcis. for almost ten yrs. i have had fibroadenomas, microcalsifications, many core biopsies, (3), lumpectomy with hyperplasia 14 months ahead of my double mastectomy..a long time coming...i knew i'd have breast cancer at some point..i just wanted to hear it and be done with it. Honestly.

tested brca negative. dcis in left breast. my choice to have the bilateral mastectomy..i could not look over my shoulder thinking i had a 25% chance of having dcis or another type of breast cancer in the right one..i saw it as 75% chance of going through hell...

also, i chose reconstruction to follow right after breast surgery.

i had a sentinel lymph node biopsy. findings were dcis, stage 0, no lymph node involvement, no chemo or radiation. NADA.

i did have a fibroadenoma that turned to cancer. near the nipple. no nipple saving becasue of the duct system. my story will vary from yours but i still had to look in the mirror at some point.

in the hospital nurses would come in every few hrs and look at my reconstructed girls...they'd be looking down while i was watching them..they'd say they look great! took a while to look myself.

i had no bandages...i had one drain on each side..clear plastic tubes that connect to a plastic holder approx. 3"x3"..it fills with fluids, lymph and blood...until it turns clear..you keep them..mine took about a week to get rid of...they didn't hurt, i was also on pain killers because my chest felt so damn tight from all!! i still have a small scar where it was inserted midway on the outer side of each breast. that too is fading.

looking in the mirror was not easy. but being cancer free was beauty enough.

i also had to have revision on one of the girls, it slipped down, common..so i am now 3 months out..looks like the other. almost 1 yr declared cnacer free this 3/17/10! hard to believe it all happened. i haven't written about it in some time..now to you...it has been quite a journey..i have a great therapist who walked me through the unimaginable.

what got me on this site was i was trying to find a site for women like me about body issues to share and hear...

i am a small women and in shape, not as good, but rebuilding my body after 3 surgeries in 14 months...

looking in the mirror can very difficult, but it can be very wonderful knowing you have either been cured, or in the throws of being helped according to your dx...getting to the other side is so important. look into your heart, soul, if you can learn to trust, hope and have faith...you can make tremendous strides and turn into a new normal!! trust me...

there is a great book...BROKEN OPEN..by Eliz. Lesser

it helped get me thru...a slow read...but amazing..became my bible...

there are so many nuances..take a day at a time, they will add up, be kind to yourself, surround yourself with great friends and family, willing to be there, or just show up..

it is a long process...grief  has it's own time..it is not linear...it gets better!!!

you are at a difficult time, crossroad, a day at a time for now...

i wish you all the best and will think of you on march 1st..

talk to people, allow your emotions to happen, journal, get it all out...i promise it gets better...

barbe1958

I had my double mast Dec 16th 2008. I am still amazed everytime I look in the mirror. I had cancer. I HAD cancer. I HAD CANCER! Wow...and I'm out the other side. I done good!

My scars are quite long, each about 12' and don't quite meet in the centre of my chest. I'm planning one day to get a beautiful butter/dragon fly tattoo done over my chest. I thought it was really important to me (you have to wait a year) but I bought a new sofa instead.... Your perspective does change after a while.

I didn't get recon. I saw surgery pictures before I made my decision and they have just as many scars as I do, if not more. I didn't want to have something I couldn't even feel either. Just not worth the risks for me. 

Good luck and hugs.

Deirdre1

Hummm... I have to say that until I recently did a revision on my breasts (they sort of looked like abstract paintings until this recent surgery) I didn't look in the mirror..  I had my bi-lateral mastectomy in March of 2007 and the first ps really made a mess of things.. I was really disappointed with the outcome and I believe that was most of my problem with accepting the "new" me.. But since the revision I have made an effort to look at myself daily - an attempt for my brain to get "use" to my new breasts and I must say I am liking what I see.

As for what Barbe stated about "not feeling" - well that is just not true!  At least not for me.  Of course my nipples no longer respond to a sexual situation but I do feel when my husband touches and fondles my breasts and frankly I am surprised at how much I do feel.  Sometimes I do have a phantom reaction or response to something and feel my nipples getting firm, but that is truly a phantom reaction.. But the comfort I feel during an intimate session is enhanced by the warmth of the feel of the hand as well as the stimulation that is available all over my skin...  It was SO worth the hassle..   If I had to have a bi-lateral over again I would most certainly do reconstruct of some type.

When I came home from the hospital I had TE's already in place and 250cc in each, but they were still dented and bruised.. It will take time and I honestly avoided the looking in the mirror.  Tonight I have on a shear pink teddy and since I had the nipples done at the same time as the implants were placed I look almost completely "normal" however I am much bigger than I  use to be and have cleavage - finally a plus

Take good care of yourself and know that things will get better.. crying and feeling down is perfectly natural and let's face it you have been through a trauma - give yourself time to heal and if that doesn't happen in a few months take yourself to a good therapist who can help you become familiar with the new you and hear your own voice..  Good luck and I wish you the best!!!  Take care.

cooper317

there is no place in your brain to put losing parts of your body...

it is a process, a trauma..like hurricane katrina..no one knows what these survivors felt and continue to feel...revisiting will bring up stuff but hopefully less intense as time swings along..

breast cancer is a mind f--k! hearing those words, going through the mental anguish, unknown, course of treatment, then there is healing and the light at the end of the tunnel...

the other side of breast cancer and what that becomes for your life thereafter or not.

it's a journey of all emotions...the inner strength that you possess will shine through..

you are a pink warrior go and fight!!

godspeed to you...

badger

BulldoglvrBeck - first things first - good luck with your surgery tomorrow!

I'll answer your question with one of my own: how do you NOT look?  At some point you must.

What I did was try to prepare myself for breastlessness by looking at pics on the internet - http://www.breastfree.org/ was especially helpful as was the "double mastectomy 4 years after" photo series on flickr - she's way younger and prettier than me, but gave me comfort and hope:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sentenced2live/2685584782/

I had bmx no recon 2/2, came out of surgery wrapped in ace bandages.  Surgeon removed them 2/4 prior to discharge, that's when I got my first look.  Had two drains and incisions covered with steri-strips, looking down it wasn't too bad.  It's a different view than straight-on in the mirror.  That was hard the first time but it gets easier - I'm almost a month post-op now.

It didn't take me a lot of adjustment time, the visual "surprise party" wore off almost immediately as my brain adapted and created a new vision of what to expect in the mirror, but the sense of loss hasn't subsided yet; I suspect it never will completely.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your docs tomorrow!!  {{hugs}}

bookart

I had my BMX with no reconstruction on 1/12/10.  I had gauze bandage/ace for first 24 hours, then they took that off since they used surgical glue and all stitches are under the skin.  I had 4 drains that were a pain in the butt, but got 3 out after 10 days, the last at 12 days.  The pads and clear bandage over the drains were itchy (allergic)  They gave me a camisole that had pockets to hold the drains, or you can pin them on a gauze necklace.  (I had to use the fake boobie in the middle [a uni-boob!] to protect the incision from the camisole zipper)  Each hospital has a different tactic.

The incision was like a dark red scab in two long lines across my chest and under my arms.  It didn't really hurt.  After about 5 weeks, all the surgical glue rubbed off (shower after drains out - light rubbing on incision) and there are two pink-red lines which they say will fade to white in a couple of years.  I will say that because I have muscular arms and some fat, there is a small pad of flesh under my left arm and a larger one under my right.  i hope the right one will get smaller because it's a real pain. 

At first the incision feels really tight - mine felt like a drum.  When they give you permission, do your exercises every day and the tightness will fade after the 6th week or so.  Start rolling your shoulders while in the hospital.  Lift your hands as high as you can (above heart) and pump your fists 20 times 2 or 3 times a day for anti-lymphedema tactic.  If you do too much or you are sensitive, it will feel like a rope burn across your chest.  Not everyone gets the binding or rope sensation across chest and under arms - you may not.  I also have a little swelling right in the middle of my chest. 

I cut some T-shirts down the front and wore those or soft buttonup shirts and left them open a lot once I got home.  This gave me and my partner a lot of chances to get used to seeing my new chest (and kept them from rubbing against incision).  I plan to build up muscle and lose weight as much as possible so I have a better shape - I'm a bit like a pear on legs - small on top and bigger belly.  I was hoping for a smooth chest, and pretty much that's what I got, except for a little swelling and the larger areas under the arms.  I'll second the website mentioned above - it may be a bit shocking at first, but it is very accurate.

Elaine

BulldogluvrBeck

Here I sit a week and a day since the bilat.. Except for the sensation of being wrapped up in a rope and the weird little electric shocks that come and go I feel pretty good! 

I looked in the mirror on day 2 and felt okay about it. My husband has been great, taking care of my drains and helping me. At this point I feel extremely blessed, nodes are clear and I have clean margins. 

Thanks and blessings to all for your words of wisdom! 

Beck 

barbe1958

Beck, you done good! Great to hear from you...

MomoB

Hello Ladies,

Just saw this post and all your good input! 

cooper317, great post, loved it!  I was also looking for that space in my brain.  I have had

2 segmented mx on the left breast.  The 1st  time, I was bothered by the look, but the 2nd

time, not at all.  Now I am seriously thinking bilateral mx when I get to that point (am doing

chemo first)  So, this is my 3rd time for cancer in the left breast.  I had to fire the quack that

told me it was a good idea not to have chemo the first two times!  (that would be me!)

Lovegolf

Great news......The first I unwrapped the bandages I told those with me no tears.  I made the choice to look down and say cancer GONE. I live. That was over 8 months ago.  I was just so glad CANCER GONE.  As was said on here the breastfree.org site does have some good info.  So glad you are through the surgery