New to forum...Mum has BC

la-girl

Sorry, but I'm crying at the moment and don't know what to do.  My mum in her typical English way told me not to worry when they found another lump (she had had cancerous cells removed a few years ago).  Well, this time around it was BC and a much bigger surgery was necessary.  I was ready to book a flight immediately, and told me no.  I should add that she is on her own, with family around, but that's it.  I have to say I was hurt, but I listened and didn't go.  Family members looked after her and after a couple of weeks staying with them she went home.  Then I was informed that radiation would begin in January and I was then told, by some softly, and by others more forcefully that I needed to help out.  I had already booked a ticket at this point and wasn't going to listen to her "I'll be fine", not to mention family members who were overwhelmed which she couldn't see.  So I surprise her, she's thrilled and I take a leave of absence so that I can go to the hospital everyday for the treatments.  When I saw the scar I was shocked, of course I didn't say anything.....but it looked like such a butcher job.....huge scars, wiered small point of skin...not sure if this is normal or not, nor is she.

I guess, I'm having lots of thoughts.  Should I relocate back home to be with her? After all, she is my Mum, not to mention my best friend.  Not a day passes that we don't talk.  On the weekends it can be hours at a time.  I am probably too reliant on my Mum, I know that, but I'm just so scared.  I thought it would be the diabetes that she takes four shots a day for, not this.  Even having said that, I have never really thought of my life without her.  But life always throws you a curve ball and everything can change in an instant.  Even now a week after the end of radiation she pretends all is good, but then will says " my breast area did hurt a little last night, it seems to be swollen....maybe I'll call the cancer org. you gave me the card for".   ARE YOU KIDDING ME.....call the doctor is what I want to scream, but I don't.  But I did make her promise to make a call of some kind tomorrow if all is the same. 

Sorry about the rant, but I just can't seem to stop crying and just don't know what to do.  I'm confused and scared and just want to hug her everyday, but I can't.  Maybe, my life has become too dependent upon her I don't know.........I just want to make everything better.