Talk Me off the Ledge

Pure

So lately I have been feeling really down and scared. I am anticiapting the end of chemo and well I am scared. I can't imagine not having chemo and moving on. I have had 2 hard days. Well,  Today, I went to chemo and this man and women sit next to me. The lady is bald and in a wheelchair and looks so so sick. Anyway, her husband is the nicest man starts talking to me. We are both Italian and from NY and we hit it off-but then he starts telling me his wife got breast cancer 19 years ago. She was stage 3 with 13 nodes. It came back 10 years later and they always new it would come back etc. So here I am with more nodes then her, and been really scared of it coming back and boom this happens. He went on for about 1 hour about all the treatments she has been through etc.... Part of me was like well wow she went 19 years-I will take 19 years but another part of me just keeps hearing in my head-"She was stage 3-the doc told us he knew it would come back."  Is that what doctors think-Does it come back no matter what?

Anyway it put me over the edge.It scared me to death and now I am wondering if I just need to work on accepting that eventually this will come back and take my life. I want so bad to see my kids grow up and see what they do with their lives but more importantly I don't want my kids to know the death of their mom. I am sitting in chemo right now-shaking. I hate this disease. Its not fair.

everyminute

First of all - she had her initial treatment NINETEEN years ago. 

everyminute

ok - wanted you to have something to read while I typed....

She had her initial treatment nineteen years ago and was cancer free for ten years.  Turn around and thank that woman for being a pioneer and helping to find ways for women to live longer and be CURED! 

OMG Jen - you know, treatment changes daily.  You are getting treatment that I didnt get a year and a half ago! 

And lastly - you are you not her and you have today.  Finish chemo, get out of the chair, go play with your babies and love your husband. 

Hugs

Let-It-Be

I might also add that to say "we always knew it would come back...." that's an idea planted in their heads by doctors who do NOT know everything.  They are not God.   Who knows what will happen to you, start by believing that any Positive outcome is possible. 

Maryiz

Pure, the biggest difference is our drugs are so different today from 19 years ago.  You can't really compare, honestly.  Breast cancer treatments have really started to change since 2005, and that is dramatically.  It really is easy to compare ourselves with others, but it is not a fair comparison.  Your scans are great, your are strong, sailing through chemo physically.  Should you ever need future treatment, and that is a big SHOULD, the therapies are rapidly changing.  I think with the emergence of vaccines and nanotherapy, BC will be a horse of a different color.  We all know what you are going through.  Hang in.  Maryiz

KerryMac

Jen, ditto what the others said - 19 years is forever in Cancer treatment.

Also, you will be taking hormonals, so you won't be doing "nothing" 

And exercising. 

Lastly, remember you are not her, you are you.  You areso going to beat this.

Anonymous

Your a thriver and survivor.  You've proved that over and over again thru this whole ordeal.  Ending chemo brought up a lot of fears for me and you go thru a little mouning process over all you've endured.  Go with it, Jen. Aknowledge how you feel.  When Chemo ends, you will grow even stronger and start feeling better as you mother your children.  Then you will be checking in with your docs every three mths for Zometa and blood tests and such.  So they are going to track you and keep a close eye on you.  I have all my appointments after  next week.  So it's like a never ending story and you are going to be worried no matter what.  I think the fact that we have to continue our appts. after chemo and rads causes us to feel even more afraid it will come back, just by the fact that they keep watching us, and testing us.  BUT  we are all surviving longer and can look forward to NED for decades.  That's not something women could look forward to 20 years ago.  Stay close to your onc and do your treatments and hormonal therapies and enjoy your kids and husband.  Tomorrow is another day.

Barb

geewhiz

Pure - The treatment she received 19 years ago is archaic compared to what we are receiving today!! Let these emotions wash over you. Acknowledge them, then move past them. I just read something about there being a "survivor" type. The survivors are not the rambos. They are the ones who freak out, get really angry at their situation then, deal with it then move on with a bit of a sense of humor. It reminded me of one of your posts

My onc just yesterday did not want to delay chemo for blood counts because "we are going for a cure". That's what we are all after here... a cure. 

janincanada

The wonderful stage three ladies have said it all.  We can't compare current treatment to treatment of even 2 years ago.  The arsenal keeps growing and becoming more lethal.  Therefore, our prognosis gets better and better.  Enjoy life now and endeavor to squash those anxieties.  Put them in the back of your mind where they belong.  If a reoccurance happens you and I and all of our Stage three ladies will deal with it and support each other.  THE CRIME WOULD BE IN LETTING ANXIETY ROB US OF ENJOYMENT OF OUR LIVES NOW.....THAT IS WHAT WE CAN CONTROL.  You have overcome so much and have so much to be thankful for; husband, baby, etc.

diana50

i ditto what others have said. but also wanted to add; you don't know how she lived her life...you don't know her physical issues....you don't know the details of her BC when diagnosed. (ie, ER/PR.etc)

i do think that acceptance is important tho; not accepting that it will come back....but acceptance that you are doing everything you can do...that you are a survivor....that you got great treatment...and that you can and will deal with all of this day by day.

hang in there Pure. the chemo room is not a happy place...lots of really sick people in there....and others who are getting their treatment so they can move forward...just like you.

once chemo is finished; remember...you will still be in treatment with hormone treatment.

(((( hugs))))

diana

KerryMac

Also, remember she is still alive 19 years later.

Just imagine in 19 years from now, what advances there will be.

YATCOMW

This is what my oncologist says

he doesn't plan treatment any further out than six months with his patients......the advances are coming so fast and furious NOW (although they were quite stagnant from 1975-1995) that he knows there will be something new for the arsenal by then.

Honestly I think it is great that she got ten years and then almost another ten.......should mean we should get 30 and 30 and die of something else like old age!!!

Jacqueline 

everyminute

old is good.

dlb823

Jen ~ Since even 19 years ago Stage III bc didn't always come back, it sounds to me like her doctor was one of those people who preferred to be right if it did, rather than instill in her hope she would be one of those for whom it didn't, which is really a shame.  

And if two major figures in your life -- your doctor and your husband truly believed it would come back based on the doctor's prophecy, then it seems to me it would be hard not to also have a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy going on.  This is one reason it's so important to have doctors we thoroughly trust to do the very best for us, and who truly believe there's every possibility they will be able to get & keep us bc-free.    Deanna

lexislove

Be happy to finish chemo! Really.

Don't be scared about NOT doing anything. After rads, you'll be doing an anti hormone, and I know your planning an ooph at some point. So.....you;ll be taking an AI. Your getting Zometa..blah blah...

I think Im more happy that your finishing up chemo soon, than you are....lol.

Anonymous

Tamoxifen is a highly effective treatment/prevention that wasn't available for early stage 19 years ago.  Zometa didn't exist.  You are getting better treatment than she did, and even with the limited things available then, she had 10 cancer free years, and another decade of treatment after that.  Think how much better things will be for you. 

Even if this beast dares rear it's ugly head again, think how many advances there will be 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now.

pickle

Hi Jenn

Although I am not stage 3, I had major fears about the recurrance issue too. I don't have the same fears as you because my kids are adults. I can't imagine how difficult it is for young Moms because I know you all want to see your children grow up. I want to be around for grandchildren but that's not the same thing. My heart goes out to you. Having said that, I agree with all the others that we really can't compare ourselves to somebody that was dx 19 years ago. There have been major advancements and research, new meds, new trials are ongoing. You may never ever have a recurrance and that is a true fact. It would be sad for you to rob yourself of all that life has to offer because you are living in fear.

I am a liitle over a year out from diagnosis and I finally feel like I have turned the corner and am no longer consumed by doubt and fear. I am living each day to the fullest and enjoying my time doing what I like to do.....spending time with my family and friends. If someone would have told me a year ago that everything would look brighter in a year...I never would have believed them. Now I finally get it! It just takes time to turn that corner but you will get there. Honestly Jenn, there are days when I don't even think about it anymore.

You have been through a tremendous amount of stress and have a lot on your plate with a new baby, young family etc. Please go easy on yourself, give yourself time....it really does get better.... and above all don't compare your situation to others. Live each day playing with your kids and being the best Mom and wife you can be, Take joy in all the wonderful things that your kids learn and do everyday. I bet if you were to ask every mom  who has grown kids (even those who didn't have cancer) they would all say they wished that they had spent more time enjoying them. 

You have an opportunity and insight into what it really means to fully appreciate the joy and wonderment of motherhood.

Hugs

Beth P

cherneski

Jen, I just about lost it towards the end of chemo (I lose it often ), to me the end of tx meant it could come back.  As much as I hated chemo I did not want it to end because of that.  I was terrified!  I am a realist, I know (think) that my age and stage of dx has shortened my life and although I want to live to 100, I doubt it will happen.  But I dont plan for my death. I want to see my grandkids, great grandkids and I will not go down without a fight, just like I know you wont.  Enjoy today.  We do not know what tomorrow will bring.  Our future is uncertain, and only God knows when it is our time cancer or not. 

You are so cared for by so many, I hope you can take some time to absorb that. 

Enjoy today.  Much love Deb

mmm5

Pure

As I wrote in my XMAS post, my Step Aunt is a survivior (25 years) of stage 3, she was estrogen positive and there was not even tamox back then. She had over 8 nodes and was told had a slim chance of survival, my stepmom is 15 year survivior of stage 3, and their friend is a 11 year survior of stage 3 with tumors in her lymph nodes ( she actually had a bone marrow transplant) but there treatment was widely varied and grim stats back then, actually my Stepmom got a 50% survival rate back then and actually changed Oncs because he was soooo pessimistic so they are all here today and celebrating there survival and dont' talk about BC and do not even know about bc.org.

Leah_S

Jen, in cancer treatment 19 years ago was ancient history.

AND it was 19 years since her dx and even though she's sick she's still alive and treating it. Fighting this beast, as we all do.

The treatments available for you will help get you through this. 

Plan to play with your grandchildren.

Leah

jenn3

Ditto to what the others have said.Live for today, enjoy your life.  The treatment today is so much more advanced and only getting better. It's emotional to listen to stories of others, but that is their story, now yours.  (((HUGS))) I hope that by the time you're reading this you're smiling from the support of your BCO friends.................

Pure

Thanks everyone so so much! Couldn't do it w/o you.

Between the steroids, the benadryl and my hormones I am strugglingggggg........

I want to escape my thoughts and be happy again. I miss my old life;)

victoriasecret

Pure...get off that ledge honey...here I opened the window step in...HUGZ

ml

C

bejuce

Oh Pure, I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I had a meltdown at my last dose of Herceptin last week as well for similar reasons.  I totally get it how you feel - we all want to have our normal lives back and raise our kids and see them grow up with us present in their lives.  I don't know what else to add to the above but to say that please know that you're not alone in this fight and that we're here to support each other. 

I attended a scientific retreat at UCSF a couple of weeks ago during which I heard about many new and hopeful therapies/procedures coming our way. I posted a summary on my blog at bejuce.blogspot.com.  I encourage you to read it - it may give you some hope.  

Much love,

Marcia (bejuce)

pupfoster1

Hi Jenn,

I so get where you are.  I just had my first Taxol infusion yesterday and am already thinking about when this is all going to end how am I going to feel.  As crappy as I felt during A/C I kept telling myself that it's poisoning the cancer too, and now so far I feel fine with the Taxol (except the steroids keeping me jittery at night) and I am thinking, is it doing what it's supposed to????  I think I'll probably be feeling the same way you do now after the chemo is done.  What now?  And I HATE that I have such a high lymph count.  I keep second guessing every decision that was made once I found my lump, all the what if's.  I too keep thinking I can't leave my kids w/out a Mom, it's not fair, and then God forbid, what if something happened to their Dad?  God we can drive ourselves crazy can't we??? 

So don't feel alone Jenn.  We are all right here with you and I for one know exactly how you feel.

Take care,

Sharon

hollyann

Jen although I am only stage 1b, I know 2 women in my community who are over 20 years post bc stage 3.....They are not only surviving , they are THRIVING!........And my own sister is stage 3b and her doctors call her their miracle patient.......They have told her she will live to be 90 while I, a mre stage 1b, am struggling with all kinds of health issues.........You are a young, now healthy except for chemo sickness, lady and you have a beautiful, no absolutely gorgeous, family who back you up 100%........It's okay to have the feelings you have...It's okay to feel scared witless and think about cancer returning constantly...It hasn't been all that long since your diagnosis.......I remember when i was first diagnosed it was all I could think about for months after my surgery......Every office visit was a lesson in nerves.....Always asking myself, Has it come back?......Will I lose my hair?.....Should I cut it short just in case???.......And most importantly Will I ever see my DD grow up and have children???.......She was 15 at the tine.......I won't lie and say I don't think those thoughts anymore, I do, but I don't think them quite as often and I don't get quite so scared and nervous going to the doctors now.....I still get nervous cause I HATE needles and they can only use my right arm......Also my blood counts are all over the place...The only constant is my CA 27 which stays the same or near the same.........But I know I can face what ever comes my way now and know it will be alright......I beat it once, and if it ever comes back (which is a BIG if), then I will beat it again........You WILL beat this thing, Jen....You will see your little baby boy grow up and be a man......You are a very strong woman and you know it deep down inside......There is not a one of us who has not thought your thoughts and felt the same fear........That is why we all come here.....To support and help one another.......Gentle hugs to you, dear......Oh and where are those measurements?......LOL

Diana63

Wow, these ladies are on top of things, Pure you have done everything in your power to get cancer out of your body. Now its time to take your life back and just live and kiss babies. It wont be easy and you will have your ups and downs. We are all holding you and little man close, like a bunch of mother hens, just keep on moving and living. (((holding you close)))

lkc

Pure, Trust me, I graduated from nursing school in 1979 and went straight into Oncology.

Today is a TOTALLY different world . I know it's scary, but try not to listen to other Cancer nightmare or recurrence stories, it is not you!

How's the boo boo baby?

Mamita49

You will have to really believe and FEEL that you can make it, that you can get old. Once you really feel that you can be and will be a survivor, you will live your life according to it.

Dont worry, once your hair comes slowly back, and you start taking your Tamox. and you dont have to see sick people anymore, you will start feeling better and healthier.

Summer comes soon, February is uglly and depressing, that doesent help. Besides, each time you are confronted with CANCER bla bla... you get the fears.

It will soon be all over, and trust me, you will be here many many many years from now. 

karen1956

Jen...shame on that man.....you are not his wife and she is not you....and 19 years is a long time....AI's weren't here 19 years ago, Herception wasn't here 19 years ago as neither were zometa and some of the other newer drugs.....You have received the gold standard in Tx....(((((((((HUGS)))))))) Karen

nowords

I think being on the ledge is part of the process that you move through. Whatever you are feeling is normal. The anxiety of the unknown is a frightening thing. Take comfort in the fact that at 9 months from diagnosis...I find it is easier; I am moving on such as it is...I think it is very important to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling...it helps you to move through it. Get out of the house if you can, read, watch movies...plan a trip...(like diverting a kids attention...)When you are away from active treatment it gets easier to not think about it so much....My children are older, but from the start of this nightmare...I really did not want cancer to define our lives and be the focus of memories that they would have, and I think that helped me pull myself forward and out of the darkness if you know what I mean. It takes time to get there though, and everyone moves through at a different pace and is influenced by different things. Focus on living. Bad days happen...but they get fewer and farther between as time passes.