Feeling guilty and useless

tscharf

I'm 45, my Mom is 75 and was very recently diagnosed with BC.  Stage IIIC hell and doing body scans this week.  On top of this she has a neurological condition of a trigeminal nerve in her face that causes her huge amounts of pain that must be controlled with heavy doses of pain medication.  The nerve condition has happened several times in the past but flared up right after she was diagnosed. 

I have never had anyone close to me this ill and I feel guilty, and I don't even know why I feel guilty.  My brain tells me there is nothing i should feel guilty about, but my emotions say something else.  Maybe I feel guilty because I can't fix it, and I'm pretty much useless.

My Mom lives in WV, I am in FL, I don't know when would be a good time to go back home chemo, radiation, ?, and when it wouldn't.  I don't know if I would just make it worse by reminding her she has cancer 24/7 and that is the reason why I am there.  It is difficult to think I may only see her a few more times.  I worry she is scared, but she won't talk about it.

She tells me to wait until she has the treatment all planned out, and then decide, which I should respect, of course, but I don't know what is a "brave face" and what she really needs.  My Dad is 77 and sight impaired, so he is only of partial help.  They have a well developed network of friends through church, and my sister lives locally.

It's affecting my work, I think about it a lot, and it's the first thing I think about when I wake up.  

Want to do the right thing, don't know what that is, Hopelessly Confused.

 

AnnNYC

Tscharf, maybe you could just say, "It's probably a good idea to wait until your treatment is all planned out, but I miss you and just want to come visit!"  I don't know what your financial and work restrictions are, regarding how often (and how long) you can travel, but if you can make more than one visit, maybe that's an option?  Is there a birthday or anniversary coming up that might be another reason for a visit? It sounds like you really want to see her soon.

Besides "helping," I think it will also be nice for your mom and dad to have some feeling of a normal, pleasurable visit.  Your mom probably doesn't want to feel that you have stretched yourself thin, financially or otherwise, but if she can sense that that's not the case, she might enjoy a visit.

So sorry you (and she) are going through this -- wishing you all the best,

Ann

konakat

Ann's post is perfect and great advice.

It's an awful feeling when we want to help someone we love and we can't.  And then your Mom is being a Mom, wanting to protect you from her worries.  A lot of love going on here!  When someone is first diagnosed there is a flurry of activity getting the tests done and finally setting up treatment.  It's a whirlwind of stuff to do and accompanying emotions.  Maybe your Mom wants to get this done and then she can spend more time with you instead of having to run around doing all this stuff.  Please take comfort that your Mom has a good support network until you get there to see her.  Take care,

Elizabeth

sincitydealer

I know exactly how you feel, tscharf.  You and I are in exactly the same boat.  My mother was dx stage lV just before Thanksgiving.  I live far away from my mom, too.  I call her everyday and even read her some of the posts on this forum.  You can get a wealth of information here.  The first thing I did was send my mom a wig.  It arrived just before she lost her hair.  She loves it so much.  I'll be going to visit her the middle of March.  My sister and I intend to help her clean her house while we're there, take her to her doctor's visit, and just enjoy her company.  If you can do little things like that, I'm sure it would mean so much to her.  I know the helpless feeling you have because I have it, too.

Keep visiting these discussion forums.  These wonderful women can be such a help.  They've been through so much and can be a great source of advice and comfort.

tscharf

Here is a quick update.  My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer this morning, bone cancer.  It was a shock, even though I knew it was a distinct possibility.  I was there when the doctor broke the news, a moment I will never forget.  It turns out that my Dad needed more support than my Mom.  My Mom is strong as an ox mentally.  She has been a Hospice nurse, so she has seen it, but being on the other side is still a shock.

 I went to WV for the last week, I'm an engineering consultant and am fortunate that I can bring a lot of my work with me.  I feel better just being here, mostly just a driver, but I can tell my Dad has relaxed a lot since I showed up, he knows he has on site backup.  

We got an immedate appointment at the oncologist (that was the good news...now about the bad news...) and I am sitting here now waiting for him with my parents.  What a crappy day.   

The outlook is not encouraging of course, but it's one day at a time now.  

KPhilli

Dear Tscharf, I am in a similar situation and can relate to the inner turmoil you describe. Like your mom, my mom is remarkably strong.  It's the rest of us who have fallen apart. What I have learned from being on this site, however, is that there are many incredible women who have been managing Stage IV for some time.  Their stories and advice have been invaluable and inspirational to say the least.

I strongly doubt that your family would want you to feel guilty or useless. My guess is that your presence means a great deal to both your mom and dad. Cut yourself some slack and take the cue from your mom. The sense of powerlessness is brutal, I know, but your love and concern for your mom will be felt no matter what.

Take good care.  K.P.