My Wife Has BC -- how can I help her?

Want2HelpHer

A little more than a week ago my wife and I were living a blissfully ignorant life of togetherness. I have always been verbal -- she, less so.

Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Next week she will undergo a bilateral mastectomy -- one simple, one radical with axillary dissection, and begin chemo therapy treatment. 

She works in healthcare -- which makes her a well informed patient.

I don't work in healthcare -- which makes me just another well-intentioned, bumbling husband. 

I want to understand what she is going through. I want to help her in any way I can -- particularly emotionally. But, for now, she has been reluctant to get me involved in the process. Basically, she seems to be trying to protect me from even the observation of her interaction with her doctors and the decision making process.

If I try to start a conversation about how I might support her, I am met by stoney silence. If I ask her directly about her condition or treatment, her first response is, "I don't want to talk about it!"

At the risk of being overbearing, how do I support a woman who rejects all overtures on the subject?

This is frustrating for me. This must be terrifying for her. She seems be holding every emotion inside.

Makratz

She is so lucky that you want to help her.  Alot of husbands don't.  My suggestion is that you give her time.   She is probably so overwhelmed with everything that she is going through.  She needs to let it all sink in and then I'm sure she will want to include you in her treatments.  Hang in there.  Perhaps reading some other threads about other women going through the same thing will help you understand how she may be feeling.

XOXO

Linda

Want2HelpHer

Thanks Linda,

Sometimes, simply doing NOTHING can be the hardest thing. 

I just want to do SOMETHING -- ANYTHING, so I don't feel so useless. 

I have started to read general information and a few of the threads. There is a lot to learn, and I am anxious to learn whatever I can that will be helpful. 

Makratz

I know what you mean.  Doing NOTHING is hard!!  My husband held my hand throughout my whole ordeal.  I would have been lost without him.  Yesterday I went for my first doctors appointment without my husband.  It has been a year and a half since diagnosis and surgery for me.  He was upset because I wanted to do this alone.  I want him to save his vacation days for us to do something fun!

How about your checking out the other threads and and learning about what others are going through.  That way you will know what to expect from your wife.  I promise you, she will come around.  She is going to need your help next week.

You are not useless.  Again, she is lucky to have you.

Linda

Anonymous

Agree with Makraz, don't try and force it but just be there for when she is ready to open up.  You're right that she is probably terrified.  The hardest time with this is the beginning, waiting for test results, surgeries, etc.  You may think she has it easier because she's in healthcare but many of our sisters on here are or have been in healthcare and they went through the same uncertainties the rest of us experienced. 

Being a healthcare provider is a different animal from being a healthcare patient.  For instance, I'm in IT systems security so why do my friends all think I can fix their computers - I can't fix my own.

You will have to learn patience with your wife just as she is going to have to learn patience with this disease.  The good news, you will both get through it.

Anonymous

Oh, and, yes, she is very lucky to have you.

apple

yeah.. she'll need you next week. 

 I'm sorry you are going through this.  I did not want my husband involved at all.  I still need tons of quiet time.. hours of study and practice which are a vacation from our togetherness.  I love him to pieces and he is hurt by my need for solitude and doing things on my own.

It is quite a shock to suddenly have breast cancer, to contemplate a life without breasts, a love life without breasts.. she possibly is worried that you won't love her. she is thinking about mortality.. it's hard, particularly at first.

just love her.  things will work out. 

sdstarfish

I'd say be there in concrete ways that do not involve talking about breast cancer. First, though, I'd give her a card that says you will always be available to talk, but you're trying to respect her feelings by not being the one to bring it up. Then, make yourself a list of things that she has always liked.... things that have always meant support to her. And do those things more consistently than you ever had. Finally, tell her all the time that she is beautiful!!!!!! We need to hear that with all that is going on, we are still beautiful to our man.

Want2HelpHer

Thank you to patoo, apple, and sdstarfish.

I'm taking all of your suggestions to heart.

Your right -- being a patient is not the same as taking care of patients. 

In twenty-four years of marriage, I have consistantly told my wife how much I love her and how attractive she is to me. I just hope she realizes that the beauty I see goes beyond the physical.

I know she is concerned that I will look at her differently after the mastectomy, but I have told her that isn't so. If anything, I will only have that much more love for her strength and determination. Any implant/reconstructive surgery, or lack thereof, is something that won't enhance or detract her beauty in my eyes. I just want to be there for her. I don't want to fail her in her time of need.

I want her to feel confident that I will always love her and be there for her -- as I know she would for me.

Makratz

I think you should show her your last post!!  Maybe not today, but someday!

dlb823

Want2 ~ There's actually a book called, Breast Cancer Husband, by Marc Silver.  Although we heard about it too late in my treatment to buy it, it was highly recommended by several people, including a psychologist where I was treated.    Deanna

Here's a link:  http://www.breastcancerhusband.com/ 

Leah_S

Sometimes helping in concrete ways is the best way to show love. Right now she'll probably want to continue to do everything she has in the past so she can feel normal, but once she has the surgery she'll need help. Do what she seems to need in terms of helping her physically, and take over whatever household jobs were "hers" before.

Leah

Want2HelpHer

You folks are wonderful. I'm so glad I decided to reach out.

I've always been rather domestic -- cooking, cleaning, etc., so I'm happy to take up any slack in that department. I welcome these burdens.

But there is so much beyond my ability. 

I want to ameliorate her ever ill and allay her ever fear.

I want to relieve her physical pain and emotional suffering. 

In short, I just want to push a button and transfer her burden to me.

But there is so much she must endure on her own.

ssingelyn

Hi! One of the best gifts I got was a stuffed animal that I could hold against my chest, requiring nothing from me in return. I simply wanted to be left alone until I came to terms with my disease and the implications. You sound like a great guy and keep the faith that all those years together will provide future strength for you both . . . peace.

DanB

I kind of know how you feel. My wife was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer about two weeks ago. She will undergo a partial mastectomy on the 18th of this month. I didn't know what to say or do. And I still don't. My wife was feeling panicky and scared and didn't want to talk about it because she was having enough trouble coping with it, without talking about it. Afriend of hers at work recommended the book, Breast Cancer Husband - how to help your wife (and yourself), by Marc Silver. I would want to talk about some of the stuff in the book, but she did not/could not. Be there for her, that is the best thing you can do. When she is ready, she will talk about it. Buy her flowers. Right now, it probably feels like you should be doing something - I know the feeling. Being men, we want to fix things. this we can't. so just show her you love her, give her affection and don't waste a minute thinking work is more important or that anything else needs to be done that would make you miss moments with her. Good luck.

rubyredslippers

The worst thing people can do is say nothing, and stay away. I think your wife is still dealing with the shock, and probably also trying to protect you. I know that when I was diagnosed, going thru treatment and even now, I feel that I cant show my real emotions regarding BC as I need to "protect" my family. I just cant let this monster have a go at them too...I need to keep them away.

If your wife doesnt want to talk about it - for now, just respect that, but let her know that you love her and support her no matter what in other ways. Im sure you know what I mean. Just make sure she is aware that you still love her, and support her.  

hamcan

Hi, Thanks for the book reference. I'm going to the library today to get it. Also, I found another book called Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men by John Anderson. Is this a good book too?

 Also, are there books about being a dad whose wife has breast cancer? I'm going to buy the book:  When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children by Wendy Harpham. Does anyone have a good or bad recommendation for this one?

 Thanks to everyone for keeping these forums going, the information here is amazing, and helpful.

 Signed,

Husband of a 10+ year survivor wife.

hamcan

Oddly enough i'm replying to my own post. But whatever, if this helps someone else, then so be it. Anyway, I checked out two books this weekend:

Breast Cancer Husband - link: http://www.amazon.com/Breast-Cancer-Husband-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/1579548334

 & Stand By Her - link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0814413919/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=1579548334&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1N6ZM8E8CN3M82C807GX

 Breast Cancer Husband by Marc Silver is an amazing book. It covers the nightmarish journey; from the onset of the breast cancer to recurrences, chemo, etc. It really hit home for me. Some of the begining chapters would have really helped me out when my wife was first diagnosed. How to help her through surgery, chemo, radiation, etc.

The main benefit of the book for me was the discussions on recurrence. (yes the R word), & when breast cancer travels elsewhere (aka Stage IV). He doesn't spend anytime blowing sunshine, thankfully.

He balances real life stories with fact, which is nice. Too many books send you through 8 chapters of "John woke up one day..." and "George never knew..."

Which brings me to the recently released "Stand By Her" by John Anderson. It's a decent book. There seemed to be a lot more chocolate & rainbows scenarios. The latter half of the book was about being cancer free. And talked about what was next. There was a small section at the end that discussed recurrences. Sadly, recurrences seems to be more of a reality for survivors.

Unfortunatley, Mr. Anderson used a poorly timed example in the section about your job and your wife. It talked about the hardships of going to appts, helping her through chemo, etc. The main point was to hope for an understanding boss (the lucky few), and to go on with your career. At this point, he brought up how John Edwards kept going. Whoops! Bad example!

Breast Cancer Husband seems to have stood the test of time, without feeling dated. I wish it covered the emerging younger generation of breast cancer survivors and their plights. I was hoping Stand By Her would do just that. But it seemed to focus on men in the 50's and older.

Ultimately, i would advise any guy reading this to pick up either book. They're very helpful.

randy1977

I have been praying for last 2 yrs that my wife gets some kind of advanced cancer and do not get my prayers answered. The day she gets cancer I will quit my job so she does not have any health insurance....I woul d bring strippers in and have sex in the other bedroom when my wife is drugged....LoL it wud be real fun

fyf

My wife has several lumps in her breast. On Friday she had a mammogram and I wanted to go but didnt feel welcomed. After the appt. the Dr. and radioligist wanted to talk to her even though she has an appt. on Monday with her Dr. in which she was to get the results. The first questioned they asked was if she was alone.Then they talked and told her they didnt think they were cancerous . She didnt really tell me much beyond that and I didnt pry. She is an RN and Im currently being treated for post prostate cancer complications.Im very upset with myself for not being there with her on Friday. How can I make her understand how important it is for me to be there for her and why would she not want me there with her to begin with?

BarbaraA

I think you just need to tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't know, she will carry on. She is probably trying to spare you the fear she is feeling.