Could use some guidance

BeNthr

Hi all, This is my first time posting anything anywhere, but I figured this would be the best place to try it out.  My girlfriend and I are both 23 and have been together for the past three years.  We have been living together for almost a year now, but I have just recently taken a research position about an hour and a half away from our place.  About two weeks before Christmas we found out she had breast cancer.  She has no family history of it, she is perfectly healthy and had no genetic precursors.  Needless to say, it was a stunner.  What was supposed to be a routine surgery to remove the tumor and put our minds to rest, actually yielded worse results.  The reason why I'm writing is she is scheduled for her first chemo treatment this Friday.  I don't have any experience with anyone, let alone a loved one, that has had any form of cancer. She is a nurse and has an incredible grasp and worry free attitude on the whole thing, and puts up a great front, but I know that can only last for so long.  I am looking for a heads up on what's to come and what my main focus should be as her partner through her treatment.  I have the ability to be with her during treatment days and plan to be, but through all your experience do you think that is helpful or just crowding?  The main thing that is dragging her down is losing her hair, any words of wisdom on helping her through that? If I am butting in, give me a heads up on where I might be better suited to go.....-K 

jinnypel

Hey K

Kudos to you for being there for her.

I went on my own twice to chemo and hated it.  I wanted someone's hand to hold and to chat to during the waiting times and whilst the drugs were being administered.

Losing my hair was very traumatic, but it had grown so fast after my chemo finished that when I look back now it wasn't really all that bad.  There are options like using a ice cap to minimilize hair loss etc which they should discuss with her b4 treatment etc.

All you can do for her is to be a shoulder to cry on and a pillar of strength.  Make sure that you are supported as well during this time as it can be difficult for everyone concerned.

Good luck for the future

Jinny

BeNthr

Hi Jinny,

Thanks for the quick reply.  We haven't heard anything about the ice cap, so that is a big help.  I will be sure to bring it up on the first treatment.  Neither of us have tried any sort of counseling, we have been relying on one another, which has been working great.  I'm trying this because I am banking of the fact that hindsight is 20/20 and I know all of you can help prepare me more than any article can....

 -K 

Ezscriiibe

Even so, each woman's experience is unique to her. But the emotional toll pretty much hits everyone involved.

If I would offer any advice it would be to make sure there are things that the two of you can do together that don't involve or revolve around the cancer.

It will be hard as the chemo wears on, but even a mini-vacation-at-home, turning off all the phones, computers, tv's and what not.

Play video games together.

Make meat loaf together.

Do karaoke! (My husband just bought me a Karaoke Video game for our Xbox 360. We can be American Idols in the privacy of our own home!!)

Just something to take a break from it all.

Claire_in_Seattle

Showing her she is loved and beautiful is very important.  At least it was for me, even if I am a lot older.  Next to this, things like hair loss and breast scars fade into the background.

Then there are all the little things that show you care.

I haven't cried many times since diagnosed, but one of the times I did was when Main Squeeze made love to me saying "I told you it wouldn't make any difference".  And it hasn't.

One other thing I can think of....and I live alone.....is for you to take phone calls from difficult friends and relatives.  That is, the ones where it's all about them, or they regale you with stories of everyone they know who has undergone treatment.  That way, you can do the updating and make sure she is "too __________" to come to the phone. 

There are times when this really would have been helpful, even if the people in question meant well.

prayforacure

I hope all went well today. My mom was diagnosed 3 1/2 months ago, went through chemo and had a mastectomy today. Like you, I knew nothing about cancer. I have since become her secretary for appointments, research director for what to expect through breast cancer, (internet and books were remarkably helpful), and nurse for shot injections. I have become her therapist, barber, taxi driver, shopper and sounding backboard. Give her quiet when she needs it, allow her to cry and yell and remember its not directed to you. Clean the house when it needs to be done and without her feeling helpless. Have fun with her when shes feeling better so she can feel human and alive again. Cycles are going to come and go, chart these events to learn what to expect for the next round and share them with the doctor. Communicate with the doctors and dont assume every person in the healthcare industry is on the same page with one another....they aren't. Don't let her go alone to chemo and doctor appointments but if she wants someone else to go with her let them help too. My mom had a hard time when it came to losing her hair...have caps around when this happens and suggest to have her hair cut short in phases rather than one quick shave to help lessen the harsh reality. If she wants a wig, thats an option too and her healthcare provider and/or local yellow pages will help you find a wig and head caps local to you. Remind her that the hair will grow back and that it is only a temporarily loss.  Have food prepared ahead of time (freezer) and remember to have her drink extra extra fluids to keep her hydrated to flush the chemo out. Research what foods can help her counteract the chemo symptoms shes experiencing and remind her to gargle to keep her mouth clean from bacteria. Ask friends/family with colds to stay away and have them send cards or talk briefly on the phone to show their support. I think its very honorable that you are helping her through this unconditionally....kudos to you! I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

debbie6122

K-Your girlfiend is very lucky to have such a very supportive BF who is very caring and worried about doing the right thing- Just be there for her and be understanding and caing, I had people tell me what a trooper I was that i was so cheerful and didnt let anything bother me, I was always laughing and trying to make every one around me feel better and trying to not worry my family but inside I was a mess and cryed alot,in fact im worse now that my tx(treatments) and evey thing is done than when i was going thru it-but just because you care so much and want to make things better for her is such a great help, my dh(dear husband) has been wonderful thru all this so even when she seems fine she is still needing your love and support-keep us posted and maybe you can get her to come here for advice and support,too but you are wecome here to, let us know how she is doing, god bless and gentle hugs,

debbie