Mom has cancer - suggestions on how I can help

JenLovesHerMom

Hi everyone,

My mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer and her surgery is February 15th. I have ordered her two "breast cancer" pillows and a drainage tube apron along with a few books. I would appreciate any tips or suggestions on what else I can buy her to aid in her recovery comfort and what I can do to help out both emotionally and physically as well. Anything thoughts, no matter how little or insignificant would be greatly appreciated!

In honor of my mom, Patty, and with love to everyone personally battling or supporting a loved one with cancer,

Jen 

cbm

Hello Jen; my best friend and sisters sent me comfortable pajamas that button in front and are sleeveless or short-sleeved, visitor-friendly robe and slippers with traction, a book on lymphedema, and some cute, loose, layerable outfits.

I did some shopping myself before the day of surgery and restocked underpants and stuff.  I also bought new sheets and splurged on the good ones.  My sister in law sent me a little fleece throw that became my go-to blanky, in my favorite color.  I got a short haircut and facial/pedicure  (gift card from the local spa). 

I hope this helps; it's a long process and a lot to get used to.  Your mom is lucky to have you with her for help and support.  I hope she has a speedy recovery. 

Warmest,

Cathy 

ElaineD

It's great you want to help-but do give some more thought as to quitting your job.Even mastectomies are far less physically traumatic than you may think. 3 days after my first, I was helping prepare Sunday lunch! Even if you live far away from your parents (it's hard to tell from your post), then even popping over for a few long weekends may be enough.

From your Mums point of view-she will still possibly be in "Mum" mode and want to protect you too-have you discussed this fully with both your parents? Perhaps if you tell us what your Mum is having in the way of treatment-ie, will she be having chemo/rads afterwards-then we may be able to give you more ideas. But whilst I commend you for wanting to help-quitting your job is maybe a bit excessive-I don't know how the employment situation is in your part of the world, but finding employment in a few weeks/months may not be terribly easy for you. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear-but I would hate my daughter to quit work to help me-I strive to keep my kids lives as "normal" as possible-even with my terminal diagnosis.

(Incidentally, I too have a Jen...and she loves her Mum!!!)

lassie11

I'm with Elaine. While it is wonderful that you want to support your mother, quitting your job might be a bit excessive. What I wanted from my three adult children when I was diagnosed is that they carry on with the things they were doing - and do them as well as possible. It made me feel quite happy to see that they all are doing that. An e-mail, a card, a phone call all went a long way.

I am in my 60s, live on my own and managed the whole mastectomy, chemo, radiation thing quite well without live in help. I appreciated my daughter and then my sister staying with me the first few nights. Your mother has your father there which ought to help. You don't say how old everyone is, but from your photo, if that is you and your Mom, she should be fine. 

It all sounds way scarier than it really is. Like Elaine, I was mobile and able to look after meals etc, in a few days after the mastectomy. An otherwise healthy person can manage the whole thing quite well.

Your Mom is lucky to have you - but I'll bet she doesn't want you to put your life on hold for this. Ask her.

JenLovesHerMom

Thank you Elaine and  Lassie11 for your concern and advice, it is greatly appreciated! I currently live in Florida, mom is in Virginia and she will be 60 in June. There are other factors as well(financial, other health issues and otherwise) that carried weight in making this decision and it has been a conversation my whole family had endlessly discussed, agonized over and prayed and slept on over several weeks to come to this decision. This was the right thing for our family, for many reasons, and plans are already in place to (hopefully) secure employment quickly and possibly even continue working with some current clients (I'm in advertising). Again, I truly appreciate your thoughts and concerns and so happy to hear you both did well after your surgeries! I pray that you are both healthy and doing well with positive prognosis's!!

Makratz

Hi Jen,

I echo the others advice.  I would also suggest you introduce you Mom to BC.org and teach her how to navigate this site (many she is computer savvy??maybe not). You mom may want to talk with others who have gone through what she is going through.  She may not want to ask family members questions for fear of embarrassment etc.  The great thing about BC.org, besides all the wonderful ladies, is that someone else has already been through what you are going through.  They have answers, offer support, or just be there when you need to scream....oh, we call that venting!

Your Mom is blessed to have you!  Take care of yourself too.

KPhilli

Dear Jenny, Just want to send hugs and well wishes to you and your mum. My mum's surgery is February 16th.  I think you and I are probably experiencing similar realities. A daughter's need to help her mom and a mom's need to protect her children seem to be at odds at first blush, but I have been greatly enlightened by reading posts on this site on how this dynamic can sort itself out in the most beautiful ways.

Patty will be in my thoughts on the 15th. I know the wait seems like an eternity.

With empathy and compassion,

K.P.

spazzo727

ii have ta agree with the others. i have been through it with others many times.... all i can say from what they have told me is listen to what they are saying. there will be times when you may not want to hear but just remember it is their life they are dealing with . there might be some tough choices but all in all you will feel better knowing that regardless of the choices they make, you were there. and yes tons of loose clothing is always a great gift. there are many many books out there with either info or just inspirational. most importantly though.... let them have normal days. as much as this is hard it's just as hard to have everyone treat ya as though the cancer is all that matters. i remember when my sis lost her breast...she was so embarressed. she was gonna wear a jacket in 30+(cel) weather. i told her no way...she said but everyone will stare. so i made a deal with her...said if they stare...we lift our tops and show em!! well that got her into a fit of giggles. needless ta say she didn't wear a jacket again. just remember...laughter goes along way...there will be enough days for tears.

bluewillow

Hi Jen, Not sure how much I can help, since you've already received some great ideas from these wonderful ladies here, but I do want to highly commend you for reaching out to find ways to help your mom!!!!  

I want to echo the advice about listening to your mom, no matter what she needs to say, and even if you grow weary of listening, hang in there with her with her rants and raves and complaints!  Also, being able to laugh and find humor in the situation is very healing and therapeutic (and yes, it is there if you look hard enough)!  For example, my chemo nurses were always joking and laughing and I firmly believe that helped me heal and recover so quickly.  Although I am not sure about the staging of your mom's cancer, I would like to recommend a book written primarily for stage 1 and 2 patients called Just Get Me Through This!: The Practical Guide to Breast Cancer by Deborah A. Cohen (who is also a bc survivor).  Of all the bc books, that was the one that gave me the most hope and comfort but didn't require wading through a lot of medical jargon that I'd already heard.  And oh, one more thing that might be useful:  warm socks!  I remember my feet were always cold!

I wish you and your mom all the best and hope everything goes well with her upcoming surgery!!  Remember, bc.org is the place to be for all the support you both need!

just a little side note-- we've got some similarities going on here-- my daughter is Jen too and her in-laws have a horse farm in Independence, VA-- plus, an aunt in Melbourne, FL!  I hope it's warm where you are!

sincitydealer

My sister and I each sent our Mom a wig.  She really loves them.  Those wigs are really important to her.  It's really hard when you live so far away from a loved one with this nasty disease.  I live far away from my Mom and feel pretty helpless, but I'm going to try to visit her as much as I can.  Just having loving family support is so important. 

KPhilli

I know that today is your mom's surgery date and just wanted you to know I am thinking of the both of you. K.P.