My mom has breast cancer, and I havent a clue as to what to do

hobbitandwife

My mom told my brother and I today that she's been diagnosed with breast cancer, and that its really aggressive, and it could be lethal.  She's not even 50 yet! I don't know what to do, because my mom has always been the kind of person who just toughs it out, and puts everyone else before her.  Even when she was telling us, she was talking about her concerns for ME, and my brother, not for herself. I really want to help, but I dont know how to support her.

 I'm scared for my mom. For years, we never got along, and now that we have an actual relationship, I keep thinking about all that lost time. I don't want to lose her. Not now that I remembered how much I really love her. But what can I do? 

nolookingback

Sorry to hear about your Mom's diagnosis. You can be a support for her. Listen to her concerns, don't get too caught up in your own emotions right now or she might not want to share with you for fear of upsetting you. Keep her #1. Educate yourself about her type of cancer and encourage her to educate herself as well as take what time she can to make good decisions about the health care team she chooses.  This forum is FULL of women who have survived and THRIVED after breast cancer. Try and help her stay positive through this treatment process. Ask if she would like you to accompany her to any of her appointments. After treatment or surgery starts she may need you to help with things like driving her to appointments or cleaning the house or grocery shopping. If you don't live in the same city then be a listening ear on the phone for her. And just keep telling her how much you love her. She is lucky to have you.

AnacortesGirl

nolookingback wrote great comments. 

Does your mom have a husband or significant other that she will be getting support from?  For me, my husband was the one who I could tell all my fears to and get the nasty thoughts spoken out loud and out of my head.  If I didn't have him there then I probably would have had those discussions with either my son or daughter.  But that's how I deal with this.

Listen, listen, listen.  If your mom isn't direct about her thoughts and feelings (I am) then try to pick up on what is bothering her that day.  Everyday can be something new since there is so much to deal with.  She needs to take her tx one step at a tme and not overwhelm herself with all that she will need to go through.

Keep positive but keep it realistic.  For instance it's positive to say that we can get through this but it needs to be qualified that it's going to be tough to get through this.  When I told my kids I also let them know right away that I didn't want them using that quiet "oh woe is you" tone of voice that made it sound as if I was dying.  I told them that I need them to ask me how I'm doing just like they normally do -- in a caring, genuine way.

Educating yourself would be very helpful.  Figure out how much your mom wants to share and help her think through the decisions.

KPhilli

I am living the same reality and I'm 2 weeks into the process. My mother has been far more concerned about my brother and I than anything else.  So far, my mom has had a bone scan, CT scan and will have an MRI in a couple of days. Her surgery is in 2 weeks.

I know the agony you are feeling and the catastrophic cognitions that pop into your head.  But I agree with the advice given by people above.  There is a flurry of diagnostic work and planning that goes on before surgery and you can be a big help to your mom by just listening and helping with the banal chores of daily life. She will likely tell you she does not want to burden you but you will eventually get to a point where you can tell her that you can and will take this journey with her, without breaking down yourself.

I have spent countless hours on this and other BC websites and have learned a lot.  The more information you have, the better equipped you will be to help your mom.

 Sending best wishes, k.p.