I am so Flipping mad

Pure

I am mad that my oncologist doesn't even tell me what I hav ein store for chemo tommorow-I am eiterh doing taxol or taxotere, I have no idea how long it takes , what I should do to prepare-nothing. She never tells me anything!!!

I hate that I just had a baby and instead of being overwhelmed with joy I am sad and can't stop crying. I am back where I was when I was first diagnosed-wondering if I am going to die, wondering if I will one day be told those words "It's back." 

I hate coming here and hearing of another amazing  women with children dying.

I am mad that tommoroow instead of being with my baby I will be getting poked and drugs put into me to save my life but God only knows if it's even working.

I am mad that one day I could be told I am stage 4 and I would have to live with that until I die.

I am mad that my life is gone and each day from morning to night is spent wondering and in fear or a disease I fought my whole life not to get and b-c of one doctors mistake here I am and how Ironic that I have been checked since I was 18 and totally vigalent and then end up with stage 3 bc.

I am mad that when I first got diagnosed and told I was stage 3 that my oncologist followed it up with most women with your nodes will have found it spread on the scans. (My scans turned up clear) but I still think of her everyday saying those words to me and just wonder if she is just waiting for me to reoccur.

I don't want to die. I dont want to leave my children. I don't want this disease. I don't want to wake up everyday sad.

I am mad that I wake up each and everyday feeling good, healthy, normal-not a single pain but I look in the mirror and see this bald, emotionally whipped, sad women with bags under eyes.

I am so so so defeated right now. I don't have the will to fight right now-I am just mad, sad, and overwhlemed with fear. Sometime I feel dying quickly would have been so much easier then the pain of this prolonged fight that I am not sure anyone believes I will win.

momand2kids

Pure

You have every right to be mad--so much has happened over the past year--- you have had to manage more than most of us.

 You deserve an onc who will talk to you-- I know more stage 3 people will be along with great words of support (one of my dear friends was stage 3 12 years ago with lots of node involvement and she is just FINE)... there are lots of those people out there.

I think a frank discussion with your onc is in order--mine had a PA- so when I had things I needed to know during chemo, I called her--- it really helped-and she had all the same info as the onc.  Does yours have a nurse or a pa?  

You can also change oncologists.  I think if people are going to be on your "team" everyone has to to have the same goal in sight--- curing you.   

You need a big hug---- and I hope there are people in your life right now who can give you that-- we all send one from here!  

I think it is good that you are mad--- that will propel you--- You are not going to leave your children--- you are in the hardest part of this right now, and you have had even more challenges than the rest of us and you have held up admirably.  There will be days like this, but there will not be too many---- as you come closer to the end of chemo, some things, like your onc's comments, will recede to the background as you re-claim your life.  

It does not matter who believes whether you will win or not-- it only matters what YOU believe.  We have your back

 hugs, hugs, hugs

victoriasecret

Mad is good !! In the beginning of my journey I was mad all the time...Mad at my doctor ,mad at my genetics team, even mad at myself..I too did not go without yearly mammos,digital by my doc ...I really feel the ball was dropped BIG TIME by someone ...(me included)..

Pure, take that anger and focus it on getting and staying well if you waste 1 more minute thinking about dying you have robbed yourself 1 min of livivg ..there now aren't I the psych doc... 

hug that baby for me !

ml C

thenewme

Pure -

<<<HUGS!!!!>>>>

You CAN do this.  You'll find the strength and the will to fight it.  You're going through so, so very much right now.   Your feelings are so familiar to all of us, and you have postpartum stuff going on too.  It's complete overload.

No brilliant advice, but hang in there and know that we're all here for you, rooting for you from afar.  And we're flippin' mad for you too.  You can get through this. You will.

apple

i'd be taking my baby..

i'd be mad too.  She should know that you've just met him.

Anonymous

Jen ~  Ok girl, just breath.  I know your mad about all the bullshit from your onc.  You're more sensitive to it all now.  You've just had a large baby your body has grown for 9 months and your exhausted, hormonal, and emotional from all the extra you've had to deal with from the breast cancer, surgery, and chemo.  Of course you feel mad right now.  You've given your feelings a voice by typing them down here.  Read them back outloud and you will have given your feelings a voice.  This helps your brain to process all this stuff and help with your emotions.  You are probably not sleeping well either.  Try to rest when Killian is sleeping, though that's not so easy with other children.  Take advantage of help from anyone that offers. 

When I got my first Taxol, they told me it would be a 4 hour infusion, prior to that they infused me with ativan so I could rest calmly, which I did, and also benedryl to prevent any allergic reation.  So between the benedryl and ativan, it was fine.  Ask your onc to give you something to help you relax during your treatment.  I never had to ask.  My onc just had it ordered as part of my treatment. 

Now breathe, and you will be fine, sweet one.

 

Barb  

diana50

Jen

sending you cyber (((( HUGS))) wish i could take your pain and fears away. this is all just so hard. mad and angry are very powerful emotions; take your power and let your oncologist know how you are feeling about all of these "unknows" you are strong....keep writing to us. we get it. you are sick of all of this and just want your life back.  hang in there honey.

diana

kimber3006

You can do this, and we'll all be walking right beside you in spirit!  Look at how many women with diagnosis just like you are years out NED and treatments are getting better and better and we're part of that!  Get your onc on board or drop her like the dead weight she sounds like she is.  Like everyone else said, you've got so much more on you right now with a new baby and all of those postpartum hormones amplifying everything.  I'm so glad you let it out here.  This too shall pass.

AsiaYM

I am sorry that you feel this way, things will be better if you believe in God who is walking with you!  Watching over you and give you peace!

smithlme

Jen,

Big hug to you. Be mad, be angry and let it all out. Your hormones are completely out of whack from pregnancy, birth, chemo, stress and lack of sleep. Accept any and all offers of help with the kids, meals, etc. It's your time to concentrate on you and this precious new life. I agree with the others...find a new oncologist. You need to be informed of what your treatments are and you need to trust her. If you feel she's not respecting you and your concerns, kick her to the curb. Use your anger to push you forward until you get the answers and care you deserve.

pip57

You may not want to hear this right now.  Especially since all your emotions are valid and reasonable given your last year.  But your hormones are probably all over the place right now.  I remember how emotional I was for the first 2 weeks after giving birth.  Please hang on.

pupfoster1

God Pure,

I can't imagine how you must be feeling. It's bad enough you have the cancer to deal with, but you also have all those post birth hormones still surging through you.  Any chance of changing onco's?  I know it's kind of late in the chemo process but like they say better late than never.  The lack of communication was a HUGE problem for me as I waited for surgery.  My breast surgeon, the chief of Johns Hopkins University Breast Surgery department was impossible to reach.  There were a million screw ups while I waited for surgery, and his secretary was dealing with me (and not doing a great job of it) and I don't know if he never got my messages to contact me or just choice to not do it.  Really sucked as we had a blow out on the phone 4 days before surgery and he threatened to cancel it.  Can you imagine?  Not one apology for how I was feeling nor taking ANY accountablility for him or his team.  Inexcusable!

Anyway, I'm off the subject, which is YOU!  DEMAND answers, and if you don't get them, make a change!

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Love,

Sharon

jinnypel

Hiya Pure,

 I once also felt mad at everyone, the onco told me diddly squat.  I only found out from my genetics doctor that I actually had Triple Negative Breast Cancer, and had to do my own research to see what that entailed. 

 I spoke to my onco the other day and mentioned the TNBC and he didn't even know if I had TN or not???  I felt like punching him, it's my life here we are just ignoring. 

One day I would be positive and I could have motivated a whole school of emo's the next I could have jumped off a bridge. 

I don't know sometimes I think to myself it's better when they tell you nothing, and then the next I think no I want to know everything.

I have seen my onco since my diagnoses in 2006 about 3 times, the first when he told me about the chemo that I would need and then again once during chemo and about two months ago they found a tumour (which luckily turned out to be an old growth).  So that made me mad too but I don't have the guts to put him down and say look here mate you tell me what's going on or??? I'll get the broom???  Smack you with a wet fish??? 

I'm sure others can come up with better ideas but maybe you should take an extreme measure to get attention (or not!!!)

Wishing you the very best and hope that you will pull through this. 

(Hope I made you smile)

Jinny

Diana63

Mad is good, it makes you fight harder. As the other ladies have said you can do this and we will be here to help. You have every right to be mad, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Turn that anger at the cancer and kick it to the curb.

Rhonda1966

Jen,

You have every right  to feel the way you do. Just know that your stage III sisters are hear to listen. Every day will get better, but it just takes time. Try to concentrate on the beautiful family you have and trust that God will watch over you. Every time I start feeling down, I just ask God to get me through this bump in the road because I know everything is going to turn out okay. Remember, we have to meet for lunch in Wilmington one day!

Rhonda

YATCOMW

What are you talking about?

You are going to beat this......you are going to see that sweet adorable baby getting on the bus for kindergarten.....then he's going to ask you for the keys to your car before you know it and take some cute girl to the prom.....then he's going to take all your life savings and go off to college and you will be there to see him graduate.

Believe it......you are having the kitchen sink thrown at you and it is going to work......You and I have a pact......I am celebrating my 15 year and your 10 year on the sands of Deerfield Beach.  

Enjoy that simply gorgeous family and handsome husband.....

Jacqueline 

apple

wait a minute...

i wanna come.

(your fam is gorgeous Jen)

"

I am mad that I wake up each and everyday feeling good, healthy, normal-not a single pain but I look in the mirror and see this bald, emotionally whipped, sad women with bags under eyes."

Jen..your hair will be back soon and we all know about the emotional whippings.  you'll be fine... just keep on doing what you are doing.

luv ya

Gitane

I believe you will win, Jen.    Love, G. 

karen1956

Jen.....sending you ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))......

Beverly11

Thinking of you Jen.  Please keep believing in yourself, in your family, in the medicine.  Remind yourself of everything you are doing to whip cancer's butt.  I have a list.  Believing that we are going to be ok is the only way.  Otherwise, it will drive you crazy and you are also giving cancer power. 

Go & hug your 4 children and give your husband a big kiss.

Hugs,

Bev

Judiiiii

Pure, You will likely be seeing your onc for a long time.  She is not likely to change.  Our relationship with our onc and their nurse practitioner and/or PA is so very important.  If you are unhappy with your team, you have every right to change.  Please think about it.  Best to you and your lovely family.  Judi

2z54

Pure,

I not only believe you're going to win, I think you've already won!  You had a beautiful baby boy, you got through it and now you have to get back to kicking bc's butt!  You're doing great!!! Hang in there....

sue

hollyann

((((jen)))).....I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you, but all I can do is extend a hand in support and send you genlte cyber hugs..........I know how it feels having a large baby naturally...My DD was almost 9 pounds!........And it is hard on your body.......You have all the hormones raging and not only that you are probably coming off steroids, too.......I wish I could come and go with you to your appointment tomorrow.......I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be alright.......I know you will win this....You are a fighter and a winner......You will fight harder because of those beautiful children..........if you need to talk just PM me.........

Anonymous

Having a baby is overwhelming physically and emotionally.  Treating cancer is overwhelming physically and emotionally. Dealing with both simultaneously is beyond that, and no one should have to deal with being kept in the dark about treatment.   If you don't absolutely trust your oncologist with your life, find a new one, fast.  You live near at least two world class hospitals, and you deserve world class treatment.  If your onc isn't delivering it, find one who will. 

One thing about those cutting edge hospitals, you have just gone from being an interesting case because of the pregnancy to being just another young woman with breast cancer.  Not common, but not potentially groundbreaking either.  Has your onc's demeanor changed?  Is that part of what you are reacting to?

Accept all offers for help.  Hug that baby and your other children too.  Pamper yourself, and know that the women here are on your side and by your side.

Pure

Apple-you crack me up.

YACTOW-Thanks so much you always no what to say to me to keep me going. Thanks for the PM as well.

Everyone-Thank you so very much for all your support. It was exactly what I needed!!!!

KEW

I believe in you...

Karen 

maryannecb

...mad along with you...but don't give up...active treatment sucks...but many, many stage 3 ladies get back on their feet and carry on with living...Like ME ! ))

Winning this game is NOT letting cancer steal your happiness. Look around at all life has given you...try not to focus on the potential losses you may never have to face....

pip57

I hope that baby sleeps well for you tonight.

rosieS

Hi Jen,

First, Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby! 

Maybe you need a more positive oncologist!  My oncologist is part of a group and I love him--he is very positive and always points out what is good in my world!  On the other hand, I have met with one of the other oncs on occasion, and I call him"the grim reaper", because his attitude is that he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So, now I make it a point NOT to meet up with him, if at all possible.  Why not take the positive perspective!

cherneski

Pure, I am MAD too!  GET MAD GIRL!  Who the hell does this cancer think it is picking on all of us!?!?!  GO AWAY CANCER NO BODY LIKES YOU HERE! 

OK now take a deep breath, deeper.

You deserve a Dr. that you are comfortable with.  If you still dont like your Dr. maybe it is time to shop around to find one that you love.  It doesnt mean you must switch but at least you will have options.  Maybe you can call a few and see if they will do a mini phone interview with you to see if you would like to meet them in person.  If the office tells you they dont do that, then that is not the Dr. for you.

Please be very careful about post partum depression.  Please speak to a Dr. that really understands it and find out if you need something for it.  I had it really bad with my youngest son, and I wasnt going through any of this then.  I cant imagine what it must be like for you. My heart breaks.  

Hugs My Dear Sweet Mamma.  Please try yes try to get the cancer bully out of your head.  I know how hard that is.  Hugs, hugs, hugs.

xoxoxxoooxxxxoooo

Deb 

Pure

I was having postpartum then decatron set in and well it actually saved me a bit-it made me very racey but it somehow boosted my mood. But..... I am waiting for the downside to it-my guess is tommorow. I hate that crap!

I am feeling so much better now that I tackled one of the taxol treatments-I think I was really scared and now I feel so much more confident.