Depression

wallan

Hi everyone:

  I used to come here all the time, but I haven't for a LONG time now. I am still  cancer free after almost 6 years since dx of stage 3 bc, positive nodes, ER+/PR+, agressive cancer. YIPPEE!

  But... I now suffer from depression. I had a sort of "breakdown" last year and was referred to the psychiatrist at the cancer  clinic who I now see once a month. I am still on aromasin and now take lexapro and effexor too. The doc says my depression is most likely a "complication of breast cancer"... ha! 

 I am better than I was, functioniing and all, but I have low stamina meaning I tire easily. By Friday, I am wiped out from working all week. 

 I would have thought my mind would of been free of cancer-worry after all this time... and it is from day-to-day meaning little aches and pains don't freak me out anymore and I am planning a full-fledged future now... and I rarely think of cancer most days. 

  But, subconsciously, I guess I am still freaked out. I still see my lack of a boob. I see all the weight I have gained since this journey began. I feel the tiredness that has lingered since treatment. So I am reminded subconciously every day. 

 I still keep on keeping on and I am hopeful of the future. I just wish I didn't now have this relentless depression hanging over me. I guess its like post-traumatic stress disorder. So it is real...

  I know you would understand about this all, being afflicted by bc too. Thanks all for your support and I wish you all the best.

wallan

 

 

  

Mouse6

Wallan - Sorry to hear you are stuggling so much. I don't know that anything I say could help you feel better. I'm only 3 months into my diagnosis right now, but even I can tell already how long this process really is. And I believe for me too, it will continue well past being declared "cancer free". I don't think anyone really knows how this whole process can affect us deep down. It really is a traumatic experience, and no matter how positive a person you are, I think once you've had cancer, it sort of hangs over you like a dark cloud. And even if you have wonderful support around you, sometimes you can't help but feel alone. Only other breast cancer patients and survivors can truly understand the physical, emotional and spiritual complexities of this process. I think it's great that you've found your way back here, because I know everyone cares and you will find some great support. Do you have a Wellspring near you or other cancer support centre. Most of them have survivor support groups...might help a bit. You're in my thoughts.

Anonymous

wallen ~ Breast cancer is the gift that keeps on giving unfortunately.  It's given me nothing but depression.  It makes me feel worse when I'm told to stay positive, and be glad I got the "good cancer:".  All the stupid statements by people who just don't have a clue of what it is Really Like to Have Breast Cancer.  It's good you have someone you can talk to.  The Effexor  helps also and with the hot flashed from meds.  I take that too.  Myself being prone to depression, I really do empathize with you.  Just hang in there and stay close to everyone here too. We stage IIIers are a good group when it comes to supporting each other.

Barb

karen1956

Depression here too!!!  Want to write more, but got to run and pick up daughter.  Not sure if I'll be able to get back on tonight, but Wallan I will write more.  Just wanted to send you HUGS.  Karen

lkc

 Hey You.

There is no magic time for us to snap out of it. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Studies show women who have had BC have very high rates   depression.

What concerns me is you're on 2 antidepressants and still feeling significantly depressed, please let your doc know about this. It  may be time to switch meds.

Antidepressants are a  hit and miss kind of tx, everyone reacts differently to  these Rxs.

Also please get into some counseling. You will be ok, but need a little help getting back to feeling better.

and keep writing in to let us know how you're doing.

grdnslve

wallan

exhausting isn't it.  it is a sort of ptsd, as you get all geared up for this fight for your life, then one day they tell you ok--it's over.  but like a good little soldier, it is easier said than done to just click off all that adrenalin you got going to get you through this.  you are just worn out darlin'.  and your subconscious might be playing some old tapes in your head, so you have to actively shut them off.  not too different from being in an abusive relationship--having someone tell you how horrid you are over & over until you believe it, only now you are doing it to yourself with the fear, and unkind thoughts about your body.  what would you tell your best friend if she were standing there like that?  be your own best buddy. 

well, the most powerful thing you got going for you is your mind.  you just need to stop a moment when you are going down that road..remind youself that you are beautiful, you are a survivor, and you are in control.  and start getting a little excercise.  even though when you are so tired it seems impossible, a little walk & a little fresh air can become a little longer walk tomorrow.  it is one of the best ways to build up your stamina, cause you aren't as physically drained, as mentally & emotionally drained. you will have to force yourself to do it at first, but you've been in a war--but it's like nobody told your poor little heart you won!!!  if you are upset about the weight gain--focus on that as your enemy now, and give it what for!!!

watch out for the anti-depressants--they can give you such a flat feeling that just saps you of any ambition, or energy.  they are great for a little while, but be careful.  after awhile they can be counter productive, and maybe you just need to switch for a bit.

i hope you have someone supportive who will walk with you, (even walking a dog does wonders) or start going to a gym.  remember, you won the war, so you can beat this too.

love yourself, let yourself heal, let yourself relax, and make yourself choose positive thoughts-always

Pure

I was just thinking today that I am not sure I am going to know how to live after this.  As I move through this process sometimes I get confused and lost as to how to live my life.

All I can say Cancer has taken anough from you, and you are a survivor -enjoy your life and do everything you can to rid yourself of this depression.  Fight it like you fought the cancer and take your WHOLE life back.

caaclark

Wallan,

Nice to see you here.  I remember you from years ago and I remember when you posted about seeing the psych at the clinic. 

I don't have clinical depression but I really do understand what you are feeling!  I also pretty much live day to day not really thinking about cancer but it is always there in the background.  I am tired of it being there, even though it is not in the forefront of my mind.  I understand the tiredness by the end of the work week but I just attribute it to getting older-I am a young 44, but 44 nonetheless.  I do feel guilty when one of my kids (I have 3 girls-ages 12, 10 and 8) mentions that I am always tired.  Not sure what the solution is for the tired part.  I definitely do not sleep as well as I did pre-bc so I am sure that is why I am so tired. 

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out to you.  We get it.  This cancer aftermath is hard.  I know we are glad to be here, blah, blah, blah, but it is hard and people who have not dealt with cancer really cannot understand. 

janincanada

It is a struggle and some days or weeks it seems to be all about the struggle.  Cancer touches so many aspects of our lives and BC challenges on many levels: our self image, femininity, sexuality and others.  Cancer is with us for good, regardless of where we are in the journey.  We all have periods where our emotions are like a hurricane and we are trying to weather the storm.  For me knowledge helps plus I have found that meditation and yoga have been extremely helpful in managing anxiety.  Never b4 BC would I have done either of those. 

I am new to this site but the women and men who are here are very caring.  We are here for you as you struggle.  I can empathixe since I have watched my ex and both of my adult children struggle with depression.  Baby steps, baby steps towards healing.  A short walk, getting dressed when you want to stay in bed.  Keep a list so you can remnd yourself of your victories.  They don't need to be big.  Most ordinary peoples victories aren't big. Going outside to enjoy the fresh air, listen to the birds, whatever floats your boat.  Be gentle with yourself and know that you have to embrace and accept these emotions before you can move on.  I'll be thinking of you and envisioning you moving towards peace and happiness.

Gitane

Hello, Wendy, from another hermit type.  

I can identify!  It's been 4 years for me now.  My lowest point came about a year after chemo ended and Femara started.  I am convinced it is the Femara, mostly.

As a poster said above it helps to do something, anything, to get yourself moving.  A change of scene helps, too, as you have found.  I have been doing mindfulness meditation, exercise, and yoga.  Of all these things, the meditation has helped the most.   Femara makes me so tired, so I sleep more than I used to, and that helps me, too. 

Believe me, there is no one more in tune with what you are saying than me.  I could have written what you wrote myself.   

AnacortesGirl

I'm sorry to hear this is so hard for you after 6 years out.  I'm going to give you my selfish thought -- how about spending more time on the boards again?  I'm only 7 months into this dx and hearing from women like yourself that have been there before me really helps.  I still have to finish 8 weeks of chemo, surgery, rads and then go through the emotional trauma of being "cut loose".

I'm still in a little bit of a haze this morning even though I woke up a couple of hours ago (4:00 am, sigh, but at least I fell asleep at 7).  Last night, for the first time, I dreamed about cancer.  I dreamed that I had cancer and the nurse kept asking if I had the appt with the onc where he tells me what's going to happen to me.  I was so upset because the appt kept getting put off.  It was such a real dream.  But then again, why shouldn't it feel real? Because that's where we are -- no one can tell us what is going to happen.  But it keeps bothering me that this dream happened now when I'm so far into treatment.  I guess I have to let it go... 

But the reason I mentioned this is because I suspect it is something that you can relate to.  Maybe you can give me back some words to get these thoughts out of my head.

I've been on lexapro for a month now.   My onc gave it to me to improve my sleeping.  I had been getting only 4-5 hours a day of restless sleep for a couple of months but the last 3 weeks I've made it to 7-8 hours of restless sleep so I guess that's a great improvement.  My overall attitude isn't too depressed -- it's more anxiety than anything.  Honestly, I'm not feeling the more upbeat attitude I had when I was on wellbruton (sp?) for a month many years ago.

I do agree with the others about the exercise.  When it comes to building stamina I think that's about the only way to do it.  I'm lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest where gardening can be a year-around affair.  The weeds keep growing and it bugs me enough to get me out there to work a little bit.  Not the long hours I used too, though.

everyminute

Wendy - forgive me for being the exercise pusher (I am beginning to get a bad reputation here!) but have you tried adding in some daily exercise?  Not only has it been proven to help reduce recurrence but, at least for me, it gives me some sense of crontrol over this disaster! 

I am a runner but you can walk, bike, swim, Wii, whatever.  I have recently gotten very addicted to spin classes :-) Dont really like to ride but LOVE to spin.  Actually I really hate the stationary bike - this is just different, but I digress!

Anyway, while I am running along I tell myself over and over "cancer free, healthy and strong"  It is very motivating.

I do not have depression issues (more like anger issues re bc sometimes) so I may be completely off base.  In any case, I wish you the best!

maryannecb

Hi Wendy, sorry to hear you are still not well.  Glad to read you are planning for the uture, though and here is to hoping it is cancer-free and happy.

diana50

hi wallen

glad to see you post and reach out to us. this group has your back and we all really do get it. i don't have much to offer except i ditto what everyone has written before me.

stay in touch with us. keep posting and talking to us. express all the fears...joys...worries and victories.

hang in.

diana

karen1956

Wallan....maybe your anti-depressants aren't at the right dosage or not the right meds anymore.  I just started back on Wellbutrin....it has lifted me out of the darkness, but I am not where I want to be....my 4 year mark is coming up next week. 2/3, and I am no longer the person I used to be.  And I guess I have never dealt with it...either haven't griefed appropriately or its anger.....but depression is one of the side effects of the AI's, though the med insert says it is on the low incidence side, but heck, I have many of the side effects.  BC is not prevalent day to day on my mind, but the way I feel physically and emotionally is...

I would talk to your psychiatrist about your meds....see what she/he says...maybe they can be adjusted....I have tried so many different anti-depressants and struggled to come up with the best one and for I don't like how I feel on any of them....but I am better on them than off.

This is a hard journey...and as long as we are on some sort of AI (or tamox) and still seeing our oncs, we never totally get away from it.

Hugs to you...sorry for side tracking your thread.  I do hope you feel better soon. (((((((HUGS))))))

wallan

Oh you girls are all the best!! I feel better just reading your posts!

Hi Maryanne, caaclark, Sherri G... I remember you! How you doing?

Yes, the doc says more exercise too. It is hard to get motivated. I have no excuse except that I am tired and unmotivated. I could say I work too long, my back hurts, my gym pants are too tight... blah blah blah... but really I have no excuse. I just have to force myself I guess.

I was feeliing kinda like a big wimp... here I am 6 years out and still have problems. What is my problem I kept telling myself! 

But you girls have added perspective back... and the doc yesterday says I have been through a ton in the last 6 years... as we all have . So I guess I can stop beating myself up.

I am going to try and get in some counselling too. I don't have any coverage at work so it will be kinda a challenge. 

But I will pop into here more often.

Thanks again

wallan

YATCOMW

Gosh.....don't beat yourself up......this is tough.......how many people are worrying for six years whether they are going to make it or not?  It is ridiculous that we have to deal with disease forever and can never truly feel safe......Really.

I do agree with others that having some sort of focus on something else like exercise, etc is probably key to feeling better about the situation WE ARE ALL DEALING WITH HERE.

Hope you feel better....

Jacqueline 

pupfoster1

Hi Wallan,

I'm new here but can imagine what you are going through.  I've had issues with depression and anxiety even before my BC dx.  My therapist actually used the term Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome with me the other day.  I totally believe that thought process.  You have done war with this cancer (God love you and you give me inspiration---6 years out---that's awesome) and it's ravinged your body and your mind.  It's like coming home from war, you're just supposed to act like nothing happened and just get on with you life like it was before.  HA!  Nothing will be the same and we and people around us need to realize it and acknowledge it.  So, keep going to the therapists, and if you are not seeing improvements ask for new meds or a change in docs might be in order.  Have you also tried Yoga or meditation?  Yoga even if you are overweight can do sooo much for your mind, and in turn your body as you get in better tune with it.  I highly suggest trying it.

Take care,

Sharon

SpunkyGirl

Wow, there were lots of great posts here, and it's good to see you back, Wallan.  I agree with Sunflowers to get your thyroid checked.  I'm amazed to hear about how often thyroid problems are missed in women.  I hope that you find a better solution either with that or with a change in meds.  I am so sorry for everything you are going through.

Hugs

Bobbie

1RockerMom

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. I think it is something that we all go through at times.   I finished my treatmens in may (chemo then rads) and I was down for awhile then O.K.  But now I too am getting depressed again(just  pped my anti depressant medicine today. ) I know that I need to exercise more as it will make me feel better and help me to loose some  weight that I've gained as well. Hang in there your not alone.Hopefully with spring around the corner that will help to get us more motivated too...

valeriekd

Wallan MORE advice- I am a trauma txist going through all this poop too, On eof the tools that we use tht works great for all types of trauma and was developed by a gal 15 years ago who had a dble mx is EMDR (Eye movement and Desensitization and reprocesssing) Look it up but make sure it is the original developed by francine Shapiro. They will have a list of txists in your area and you might receive results ina couple of sessions! Good luck Valerie

valeriekd

Wallan MORE advice- I am a trauma txist going through all this poop too, On eof the tools that we use tht works great for all types of trauma and was developed by a gal 15 years ago who had a dble mx is EMDR (Eye movement and Desensitization and reprocesssing) Look it up but make sure it is the original developed by francine Shapiro. They will have a list of txists in your area and you might receive results ina couple of sessions! Good luck Valerie

kimf

Hi Wendy,

I could have typed your post about me. Yes, 5 years out and depressed. Wellbutrin works for the most part and since Jan I have been working out regularly, but still can't get the momentum to start projects or just motivate myself to see past the next hour or two of "what to do". My thyroid was removed b/c of thyroid cancer so I take Synthroid and although my numbers are great, I still feel sluggish. I do believe it is depression related. But, we keep on keeping on and one day I hope to wake up like my dh does everyday with the "its great to be alive, lets get everything out of every day we can" spirit. Hope you feel better soon. Great to see you post! Kim

Soccermom4force

I hope you ladies dont mind me jumping in here...I am 5 years out and have depression/anxiety and fatigue. Lost Mom to BC when I was in treatment and 4 weeks later Katrina force us to evacuate for two months...moved 2X in three years...,brother died from Lung ca...just cant seem to get back or adjust to a new normal,

  Have been on meds and counseling and still floundering~ I am sad that there are others here suffering from the same malady, but then its good to know I am not alone,

Warmly Marcia