4 years today

caaclark

So, today marks 4 years since diagnosis for me.  I am glad to be here (4 years ago I did not think I would make it) but I have such mixed feelings about this.  I am sure I am not telling any of you something you don't know. 

Now, here is the really horrible thing-an aquaintence of mine was just diagnosed.  Had a lumpectomy yesterday.  I received a call from a mutual friend telling me that "Thank God...the nodes are completely clear."  While I am glad for her I am just annoyed that mine were not.  Does that make sense?  I think because of the anniversary thoughts it just makes me feel like...well, I don't know...cheated or something.  I cannot tell anyone I know this because I realize it makes me seem like a mean person.  Actually, I am quite nice normally but those are my feelings which took me by complete surprise.

Ok, I guess this is not the uplifting post I planned-lol.  I am thankful to be here 4 years after a stage III diagnosis.  My life has a new normal which is pretty good.  I normally have a handle on the fear but today the fear is back. 

NancyD

Carol, you're allowed to feel any way you want on your anniversary. Congrats on four years, by the way.

Bugs

Carol,  I totally understand how you are feeling.  Both about the nodes and the mixed feelings.  Mine is coming up in a little less that 2 weeks and feel the same way.  VERY happy to still be in my stage 3 forum, but it's almost as if I better look behind me as something may be back there following me, ya know?  Sigh...yep, totally understand.    Congrats, Carol, on your 4 years.

Sexy-bald-chemo-girl

Congratulations on your cancerversary. I can imagine that it would dredge up some negative feelings. But, that's okay, right? Enjoy the celebration of your new normal life. That's what's really important.

kim40

Carol

Congrats on your four years!!!!  You certainly have something to celebrate!  I understand your mixed emotions and your fear.  I'm only one year from d/x and I'm kinda of waiting for the other shoe to drop because of all my positive nodes.  I met a girl at the gym the other day who is also a BC survivor.  She was telling me about  her journey and the first questions I asked was "What Stage and how many nodes did you have?"  I felt like putting my foot in my mouth after I asked her!  She is Stage 3, 16 nodes, TN.  I felt really bad about it later, but I would say all the feelings that you are experiencing are normal.

KerryMac

Carol - firstly, big, huge congratulations, 4 years is a wonderful milestone.

I have to say I hate reading those words too "well, at least it wasn't in my nodes" Totally understand exactly how you feel. It doesn't make you mean at all, it just makes you human, and our situation so unfair. 

Hope you manage to do something nice for yourself  today. I remember when I first started posting you and the other "oldtimers" here gave me so much hope. And you continue to do so. Thank you!

everyminute

OMG - I hate when people say "Thank GAWD my nodes were clear!"  The word lymph nodes still make me gag a little.  I so wanted clear little lymph nodes :-(

 Congrats on the 4 years - you were one of the first to welcome me when I came (think you said something about learning how to live with the fear rather than trying to run from it) and I love seeing your smiling beautiful avatar.

jpsgirl96

Hey Carol!  Your post made me realize that I'm also at the four year mark - we showed up here at just about the same moment.  And, your feelings are your feelings.  You never know when something is going to trigger the fear.  I get a twinge when people think that some time thing means "out of the woods", when with bc one is really never in the clear in that way...stats get better over time but for each of us (as someone said to me early on) the only percentages of interest are: 0 and 100!  Remember that's true for nodes/no nodes too.  Once you get through treatment (and boy did you have the works), the difference is just a statistic.  Anyway, thanks for the reminder  and happy anniversary to us both.  Lovely picture!  Leigh

Texas357

Carol, first congratulations!! Four years is awesome!!!

Never feel guilty about the node thing. I resented the positive nodes as much because they meant chemo as anything else. I also resented the positive nodes because I'd believed that 12 years of clear mammograms actually meant something. Hah!

As far as prognosis? I'm learning not to pay attention to stats. Women with stage one have lost their lives to this disease while women who are stage four have lived 15 years and longer.

I fully intend to die of old age! Are you with me on that???

caaclark

Girls,

Here I am sitting at work (and not working right now) and am so glad that I posted this morning.  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR UNDERSTANDING!!!!  It is a relief to me to know I am not crazy.  I really think this is the only place where people understand.  Well, in a support group they understand but they all gasp when I mention the lymph nodes.  I am laughing as I type that, BTW.

AnacortesGirl

Congratulations to both you of you! 

Carol -

I'm still 3 1/2 years away from where you are today so it feels like the "monster" is still lurking under the bed, in the closet, etc.  I keep telling myself I'll feel so much better once surgery is done and I get this stuff out of me.  But I keep looking to women that have made it 4, 5 or more years to remind me that there is hope.  Because of my neoadjuvant I'll probably never know exactly how many nodes were affected by the time surgery roles around.  I just know that the initial PET saw suspicious activity in levels 2 & 3. 

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off not knowing anything.  Just walk into the onc's office, let him make all the decisions and stay ignorant.  But that's not me.  Instead, I'm taking the path that I'm doing everything I can and I'm walking down the same path that you and the other ladies have walked.  Because I really I want to come back here and be able to post my 4 and 5 year anniversay!  I admire you ladies!

Pure

Totally normal to feel the way you feel. I hate those words " thank God no nodes"

Hate it!!!!! The good news now-your odds of a reoccurence THE SAME OR BETTER of someone with NO NODES. Remember that!!!!!

Congrats!!!!!

karen1956

Carol.....congrats on 4 years......like Leigh and Bugs, my 4 years is coming up in a couple weeks and it is weighing heavy on my mind....as it was around this time that I went for my annual mammo totally unaware that bc was lurking.  I feel exactly the way you do when I hear of someone who has a new Dx and it is early stage and no nodes....for me I am happy for them, but jealous/sad for me that I was dealt this lousy beast at stage 3.  Yes, I know that my pathology was "good" but it still just s*****!!!!  I still struggle with the whole thing...

Leigh....congrats on 4 years....

Wishing us all many, many more years....but years as HEALTHY, FEEL GOOD SURVIVORS!!!

Hugs Karen

apple

"Ok, I guess this is not the uplifting post I planned-lol.  I am thankful to be here 4 years after a stage III diagnosis.  My life has a new normal which is pretty good.  I normally have a handle on the fear but today the fear is back".

but, but... it's an appropriate post.  Cancer isn't fair.  it just isn't .. you've made it four years - that's great. 

We can't be suzy sunshine all the time.

(love your smile)

coonie

Carol---congratulations on 4 YEARS!! Like others have said, I wouldn't worry too much about the node thing. I've heard some cases where nodes were clear and then had recurrence.....and some where many nodes were involved and life still goes on for years and years. Just keep your chin up!!! All of us "sisters" get it!!! Don't feel bad about expressing your feelings.

((((((((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))

You're gonna be fine:)

diana50

carol

congrats on four years, this is a milestone for you and it is ok to feel many different feelings.

this whole BC deal is hard any way you look at it.

do something special for yourself today* you are doing great and it is important to remember that; especially on anniversaries. you have tolerated and hung in there during treatment;surgery, chemo, rads...the full monty.

((((hugs))))

lexi4

Yay Carol on your 4 year cancerversary! I relate to your feelings.

 When going through diagnosis it seems I received one piece of bad news after another. I, too, so wanted clear nodes. Some good news. But, it wasn't to be.

I hope you celebrate your milestone. You deserve it!

Hugs,

Lexi

Frapp

I had the same reaction last week.  A good friend of mine found a lump during a routine exam.  Went for mamo, sonogram and met with surgeon to find out it was a cyst.  I showed her all the happy emotions of a benign diagnosis, but I can tell you that it was bittersweet for me inside. 

We can be thankful that we are here and able to have these feelings.  Just know that you are not a bad person for thinking them.  And CONGRATULATIONS on your 4 years.  Now go celebrate!

jenn3

Congrats on 4 years!!!!

Funny you mentioned the node thing.  My car was in the shop this week and when I picked it up the owner of the shop walked me out and asked me about my cancer (we've gone to him for years), then said his wife just finished with chemo and radiation.  He then said "thank gawd.... her nodes were clear", how about you?  I was suddenly jealous - envious that her nodes were clear.  It caught me off guard too.  Guess it happens to us - the slight twinge of "why me". 

Thanks for sharing your 4 year anniversary - it gives us all something to look foward to.

Diana63

You are not crazy or a bad person for feeling the way you feel. Congratulations on your 4 years, here is to many, many more to come.

weesa

Best wishes at the time of a big milestone! I don't think we should ever berate ourselves for our feelings or try to control them. I've never been able to monitor or alter mine about this abominable disease.

Cheery thought to leave with you: You are so similar to my diagnosis and treatment except my tumor was much larger and I am fine--not even a scare in over 7 years. You will be, too!

Celtic_Spirit

First off, congratulations on 4 years! That's great!

Oh, I totally get the "thank God it wasn't in my nodes" thing. I've had several acquaintances have false alarms in the last two years, and while I'm very happy for them, I'm also sad for me. Why wasn't mine a false alarm? I try to keep the gate shut on my "why didn't they catch this sooner" feelings, but sometimes it gets the best of me. When it does, I try to remember that my boyfriend's aunt Evelyn had a large tumor and positive nodes and is still alive and cancer-free 35+ years later, while my aunt, who was a stage I, had a recurrence after 15 years and died. No one said diseases are logical.

Moissy

Congratulations!!! Definitely try to celebrate! It's hard getting into the nodes/no nodes discussion. I have a friend who just reminds herself that the nodes caught the cells, which is what they were supposed to do. Still it's hard to hear others' diagnoses sometimes because it does often take us back to a place that we hoped we had left. Today we are celebrating that you are officially four years away from that place. Congratulations on the milestone.

Gitane

Carol,  4 years is wonderful.  Hold that close to your heart and celebrate.

It would be a rare person indeed who did not experience feelings like the ones you described.  There's nothing horrible about it.  

Love and hugs, G. 

ktn

Carol~ Congrats on 4 years and thanks for posting. It helps all of us years behind you! Someone at work today mentioned their friend who had a lumpectomy and radiation a few years back but still worries alot about it coming back. My coworker said her friends all feel the cancer is all in the past and she should be over it. I explained how we never get told we are cured and those of us who have been through this can't "just get passed it". We all know how it feels to have a new ache or symptom and worry if the cancer is back. It's a whole new way we live but many don't understand. I so appreciate the positive stories like yours to help keep me looking ahead! Thanks!

roxy42

I'm doing that happy Dance.......yeah.......I'm 2 and a half years cancer free,node positive,I know lots of women with node positive living a long time.My Moms freind had 20 positive and she is 20 years out and she is in her 70,she never gets down,she just moved on with her life.She eats what she wants,she laughs all the time.......she keeps me going.......godbless roxy

YATCOMW

Congratulations on four years......you have been so blessed.

I think we are all envious of the obvious....both those that don't have cancer at all and those that caught it early.  How could we not be?  We would all like to get off the bus we are on especially since we can't figure out why we did everything right but still ended up here.

Having said all that we are much stronger than I think we ever thought we were......we have fought this harder than anyone could guess....and we are fantastic actresses as we act as if all is fine when we know that this is scary.  We are rock stars.

Celebrate----- it is well deserved.  You earned it.

Jacqueline 

SpunkyGirl

Carol, it's great to see your post.  I think we've all felt the same way.  LOL, Jacqueline!!!  I loved your post.  I do feel like a Rock Star, but I'd love to get off the bus.....Thanks for making my day, girls.

maryannecb

Congrats on 4 years...especially with our stage ,each passing year is a blessing...makes it more amazing.

1RockerMom

Congrats on your 4 year anniversary  I so love hearing that...I also had  a lot of positive nodes and prayed mine would be clear too.  Any breast cancer is a bad one  but clearly there are major differences between stage 1a and stage 3c (which is what I am.)  I so hear you about the ' and all  my nodes were clear! " Everytime I hear the word lymphnode I cringe a little  In fact I've become  sort of an expert... if my friends ask me about lymphnodes I can give them the complete Lymphnodes for Dummies synopsis..but the imporant thing is we are here now and even though we all get those creeping thoughs once in while we must keep looking forward and thank God for each day we have..take good care and Congrats again..

rosieS

Congratulations Carol!!!  I have a friend who was telling me about another woman who had been diagnosed with breast cancer and she somberly stated "She has stage 3".  I matter-of-factly mentioned that I also had stage 3 and hey, I am still here, so please lose the pity in your voice (I didn't say that but I thought it!).