Mad that Cancer Takes Up So Much of My Time/Energy/Focus

Raili

I was diagnosed a little over two months ago... the first few days were hell, due to being in shock, crying, angry, doing the whole "WHAT??  WHY??" thing... Now, I have accepted that I have cancer and have to deal with that, but I'm frustrated because it feels like cancer (cancer treatments, dealing with the cancer, etc) has taken over my life.  I have become Cancer Girl and I hate it.  I miss the days when I was happily working, hanging out with friends, playing sports, doing volunteer work, etc... NOW, my life is all about having surgery, recovering from surgery, resting, taking a gazillion supplements, calling nurses, emailing with my surgeon, laundering my bloody bras, researching treatments, watching YouTube videos of radiation therapy so I know what to expect, setting up appointments with oncologists, answering all of my family's and friends' questions, filling out paperwork, talking with my insurance company, and ON AND ON.  Every day it's SOMETHING.  Sometimes one stressful or unexpected phone call from the hospital can stress me out for the rest of the day, or I lose a whole night's sleep because I'm lying there agonizing over questions that I never thought would ever be relevant to me, weighing the risks vs. benefits of chemo, worrying over cracked ribs or lung problems from rads, etc.

 I feel like I'm too focused on cancer, but I don't know how NOT to be, and I sort of HAVE to be... it's not like I have the luxury of saying, eh, I don't wanna respond to this letter from the hospital, I'll just go for a road trip instead.  I obviously have to stay focused on getting the cancer out of my body.  But it's so hard... I feel like such a bad friend lately, like I'm so out of the loop with my friends' lives, and have a hard time sustaining a conversation about anything other than cancer.  And no way have I been able to keep up with politics, news, world events... there is heart-breaking devastation in Haiti, but my mind can't process it, because I'm instead noticing sudden swelling in my breast that wasn't there a couple days ago and freaking out and emailing my surgeon to ask what's going on, and then I feel like a self-centered jerk.  People see me in the street and call out "How are your lymph nodes?!" by way of greeting, and half of me appreciates their concern, and the other half of me is depressed that that's the first thing they think to say when they see me.  Every time my mom and I get together for coffee, we chat about things like the weather and other family members for maybe 5-10 minutes, and then spend the next 90 minutes discussing nutrition as it relates to breast cancer, or the politics of the new mammography guidelines and screening in general, or environmental pollutants that may cause cancer.

 CANCER CANCER CANCER CANCER.  I AM SICK OF CANCER!  Does anyone have advice for dealing with this?!  Does it just have to be this way for a while??  I know my life will eventually return to normal, or a "new" normal... but in the meantime... how do I be ME, instead of Cancer Girl?

Alyad

I know how you feel, I felt consumed by the need to do research, understand everything. I tend to share stuff with people around me - I feel like the more of us who are out in the open about basic details of treatment the less of a mystery it would be. I had no idea I had family history of bc- knew gma had had cancer and chemo when I was in high school- never knew what kind- so little was said. It does get better- you are recently diagnosed Raili? have you had surgery and started treatment yet? the still making decisions stage is the hardest- once you have a plan it settles down and once you finish it settles down. I still come here to keep in touch with people and research certain things but a year after diagnosis I feel a lot more "normal"

lovinmomma

Well, you are very early in all this and I remember those days. Believe it or not, it will start to change and move away from the all consuming cancer. It will never be the same as it was, but it is a whirlwind at the beginning.

LoriL

Oh, yes, I remember feeling how you are now. I thought about it CONSTANTLY. Every free moment I had I was researching things on the Internet, agonizing over making the "right" decisions, etc. I'd go to work, but my mind was elsewhere. My life revolved around cancer. But, I will tell you that it DOES get better, and rather quickly at that. My summer flew by, and before I knew it I was done with the daily trips to the cancer center. I think the best way to get through it is to just take one thing at a time. Unfortunately, it will never be "over" even if you are Stage 1 like I was. There will always be reminders there- the absence of my breasts reminds me every time I take my shirt off. And, there will always be thoughts that it might come back at a moments notice. But, it gets better. It's hardly ever the topic of conversation with my friends or family anymore. 

3monstmama

I hear you. I was diagnoised in mid-November and just got scheduled for surgery.  The delay was me and my need to make informed decisions coupled with additional stupid cancer scares but at the same time, the month plus of research was really overwhelming. The worst part to me is that most of the impact is in my head--its not like I have so many people asking me [I set up a blog with updates so I don't have to keep repeating stuff and that helped].  But until the surgery, there is that nagging little voice saying "what if its more?" that I can't seem to get rid of. 

hang in there.

Kyta

I hear you too Raili....you took the words right out of my mouth. I was diagnosed about the same time as you and 3monstmama, so understand how this can feel so 'all-consuming'.

Thanks for your post...it's nice to know we're not alone.

Sexy-bald-chemo-girl

I was diagnosed July 2008 and I definitely became the cancer-girl. Didn't think it would be me, tried hard not to do it but it is what it is. Life will never be the same for you. But that doesn't mean that it won't be good. Not the same doesn't equal bad.

 You learn to balance as time goes on. When I was diagnosed, I think I cried every day for the next 6 months. Now, how much I cried changed. Initially, it was practically all day. And after awhile, it might be one or two tears and then nothing. Now... its not every day but I will admit that I shed a tear or two a few times a week. But they aren't always (or usually) tears for myself as much as tears for everyone else who has to deal with cancer.

To get beyond it I say go with it. Let yourself cry and get it out of your system when you feel it. If you try to smother those feelings, they will find another outlet -- and you need to be able to concentrate on healing. Cry and then accept that it won't be horrible forever. Life may be different but its still wonderful.

 I started a blog so that I wouldn't have to keep telling my family what was going on. The blog has become my outlet and a way for me to help others realize that all of the crazy thoughts in your head don't mean that you're crazy.

You're going to be okay. Just keep telling yourself that.

Raili

Thanks for the reassurance, everyone... I have a blog, too, and it does help a lot.  I just wrote a really long, rambly blog post about all the stuff that I talked about here, so that my friends and family can get a glimpse into my head.  I feel so guilty for being such an unavailable/self-absorbed friend right now, that I just wanted to let everyone know it's not personal and I still love them.  And I'm trying not to feel guilty for needing to focus so much on myself right now, but it's hard for me - I'm used to being the one who helps others, not the one who needs help.  (I guess that's common for women!)

My up and down moods are so frustrating.  It's weird how sometimes I am giggling like a goof in the hospital - when you'd think I'd be upset - and then it's during a "happy" time like a relaxed dinner with my parents, that I end up unexpectedly bursting into tears.

 I have surgery in 2 days (re-excision), and then have to wait 3 weeks for my appointments with the oncologists... so I'm coming up with an extensive list of questions to ask them, but I need to get through these 3 weeks without driving myself crazy with all the questions in my head.

Sexy-bald-chemo-girl

I love blogging. Although I am beginning to worry whether my blog is keeping me from connecting with men. But that's another conversation for another day I guess. I can tell you that the people who love you are really understanding of your focus on your self. I had the same guilt burden -- and I still do a little bit -- but it really isn't necessary.

 My moods still fluctuate and I am considering going on anti-depressants to just help me cope. I feel like I'm straining really hard to be balanced and its not working.

cancersuks

I was first diagnosed in '97 with BC and remember those days of cancer 24/7.  After 10 years I moved on and forgot I was the cancer girl.  In November 2009 I found out my cancer had spread to my spine; cancer hates to be forgotton and to see you've moved on with your life.  Once again, I am cancer girl but this time, I choose to live in denial.  I don't read literature on it, I don't hang onto my doctor's every word...I will deal with its return in my way.

OtraVez

Cancer Girl never completely goes away, but eventually, she doesn't take up all of your time and energy.  I compare it to how you find yourself falling into old patterns when your whole family is gathered or you hang out for a weekend with all your friends from high school.  I've recently realized that, although my treatment's been over for more than 2 years, my personal Cancer Girl seems to come back about twice a year, around the time for scans and tests.  That's when I bring out all of her props and toys, and (I've also finally realized) spend a lot more time on BCO. 

When I was diagnosed, I (choose one: decided/ended up/fell into) creating a whole persona for this chick. I kinda felt like I Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent must have felt - kind of happyly tripping along. . . but when it's time for the super powers to take over, they became someone else, focused and driven and capable and powerful. . . and then when it's over, they went back to being Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent.

Unlike those guys, though, I shared a big chunk of Cancer Girl with the world (after all, folks will always notice a bald-headed woman, but probably try to avoid eye contact. .  . not so sure that happens when they see a guy in blue tights).  When I was home, especially alone or scared or just plain pissed off that I have to deal with this crap, I got creative. . .  I made soundtracks (playlists, complete with booklets of lyrics and "liner notes), wrote essays and nasty letters in my journals, and gathered objects  for scrapbooks.  

Now, when Cancer Girl sneaks up on me (I don't always realize that I've put on the cape), I work on the scrapbooks and post to these boards (BCO has been a lifesaver for me!) or work on the next set of liner notes (I'm up to Volume 3, and have started putting the songs onto my mp3 - just playing them back seems to focus my energy and calm me down a bit.)