Need some encouragement

annettie

I had a pretty positive outlook when I was first diagnosed with bc but gradually its been a struggle lately. A relative just died of lung cancer this week. I was hoping she would be a survivor. She lost the battle. Her death has triggered a fear in me that I have never felt before. I feel like I'm falling apart. I was healthy and energetic, now I feel so exhausted. I even look sick. I've become fearful of the treatments. I don't want to start them and have more poison going into me. I'm desperately trying to stay positive but feel so defeated. I know this isn't the right frame of mind for this disease but her death just triggered something that I can't pull myself out of.

Angel10

Hi Annettie....so sorry you are having a hard time right now....but with the death of your relative and your fairly recent diagnosis...I think how you are feeling is normal and is not surprising....

You have been dealt a set of cards that you did absolutely nothing to warrant, and are trying to stay strong but are feeling cracks in your armor.  Don't be hard on yourself...accept that you may be on a roller coaster ride throughout this process and your treatment.

Don't beat yourself up over this....but do try and plan some strategies to help you through the tougher days.  Come here, find a friend or two to talk to, take a walk, exercise....see a funny movie, pray!  Find your inner strength but know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal.

If it gets to a point where you are really not feeling you are coping well, ask your docs for some medical help.  There are several good meds that might help you out if you need it.

And I don't mean to sound trite...but count your blessings! I did a quick read of your bio....you have kids, animals enjoy many wonderful things....try to continue to do so.  I have found this past year that I have become grateful for many, many things that went unnoticed before...and I am grateful for every day, every family member, every friend, every sunrise, every rainfall...even the cold weather! Heck I can feel it can't I?  I have developed a sense of peace.  This has become even more poignant as I read of some dear sisters who have died from this disease on this site. I wouldn't want to waste a day in honor of their lives!  Try not to waste of day of yours for you!

I hope this helps a bit...God Bless you!

annettie

Thank you, Angel. God bless you, too. I'm glad you have developed a sense of peace. I thought I did, too, until she died. I count everyday as a blessing. Your words were encouraging. My senses are more keen to everything that I see, smell, hear and touch. I know what you're talking about. I just feel this helplessness because of the people that are dying or have died from this disease and can't understand with all these years of research there's no cure. There's been major headway in treatments and such but no cure. Are you done with your treatments? If so, how are you? Doing ok? I don't mean to be such a downer but I do have down days. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm trying to be strong and when friends and family see I'm strong then they don't fall apart. I just don't want people to see that I have down days. Alot of people treat me differently now that they know I have cancer. I think they're afraid they might say the wrong thing to me. Some treat me like I'm dying or on my death bed already. That's when I become fearful. I am on my way up again on the roller coaster ride and know I have to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied with other things. We had a beautiful day here today. It was over 30*!! Nice out in the woods today...:)

Thanks again for the meaningful words and pep talk.

Nettie 

Angel10

Nettie...it is hard to really be yourself with friends and family who have not been through this walk.  Try as they might, it is so different once you yourself have cancer.  I know this first hand...I had 4 sisters with BC before I was dx'ed and I thought I was understanding, empathetic, etc. to them....but now I see how much I did NOT understand.  It is so different once it is YOU.

If you stay with these boards, you will find a lot of understanding. You can rant and rave, and there will be someone else doing the same! You can feel depressed and someone will try to pick you up...you can be happy and others will be happy for you!!  Keep checking out the threads, watch for those that are going through what you are going through around the same time or ahead of you so that you can learn from others.  You will find that you will learn alot and can be yourself here....everyone gets how this changes you. You don't have to be strong all the time, and you won't be sad and weak all the time either.  There are others willing to help you walk the walk.  Don't be afraid to jump in and put yourself out there. 

I had a bilat MX, went with tissue expanders and implants....had several complications along the way, but am coping. I had surgery in November to do a revision and create nipples for myself. In a couple of months I will have my nipples tatooed.

I just went back to work after being out over a year. I am very grateful to God for seeing me through this past year....and although I know my surgeries are behind me, I still have a ways to go to "heal".  Others don't see that. They think I am back to work with "foobs" and all is well....and I won't tell them any different. I don't want a pity party for me.  But others here on this site know what it means...it takes time...and I miss my boobs!

But I am here, I have my faith, I am cancer free for now and I put one foot in front of the other, and count my blessings!  God is good!

Take care and let me know how you do!

God Bless! 

annettie

Thanks again, Angel. There certainly is an awkwardness around everyone I talk to. Even my own family. I'm going to the Mayo Wed, I've been reading alot about chemo and it truly scares the hell out of me. I don't want that poison going into me but I can't afford any alternate treatments, either. I'm really distressed about this. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm having a hard time. I react to everything, my body is very sensitive. I'm afraid of recurrence just from having these poisons in me or having them destroy the healthy parts of me. I hope the team at the Mayo will ease my fears.

You sound like you have been through the mill. I haven't lost my boobs, yet. Hopefully I won't either. I'm always wondering if I'm doing the right thing? This is where my faith is failing. The stress of everything is just taking its toll on me. How did you react to the chemo? I'm glad to hear you're on the mend and back to work. Thank you for taking the time to reply and give me some encouragement. It is much appreciated.

Nettie  

Scooter-12

Hi Nettie,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I know what you mean about staying strong for your family and friends.  I did the same thing and I resented it.  You mentioned the awkwardness around your friends and not having anyone to talk to....have you considered joining a local support group?  All the women in the group have either been there, done that, or are currently in treatment.  It can be a great outlet.  Also, I hope that the doc's can alleviate some of your fears about your treatment options on Wed.  Best wishes.

Anna

precioustime

Nettie-

I too have had Family members die of lung cancer and have some that currently have lung cancer.  Before my diagnosis, I really didn't give "cancer" a thought...  WOW have my eyes been opened in more than one way.  I am going to take this Negative and make it into a Positive!  Don't get me wrong-- I do have days that I cry and need someone to talk too....  BUT for the most part I too appreciate each and every moment of life-- I find myself wondering why people are complaining about the weather "like I use too"--- I was a complainer-- complained and was not appreciative of my looks, where I lived, etc...  NOT NOW!!!!  I am thankful to God for every breath he gives me and I want to be able to help others going through what I have been through!   I have Chemo and Surgery behind me and only have RADS left which will start in Feb./10.  I will make it through and so will you!!!

Anonymous

Nettie - you are 2 months in - you will make it.  Yes, it's all scary but doable.  Check the success stories thread here on BCo for inspiration.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/59/topic/57562?page=22#post_1679163