So I stopped working. Now what??

AnacortesGirl

I could use some help.

Tuesday I went in to work for a few hours to clean up my desk, say some goodbyes and now I'm on short term disability.  Somehow I had kept working up to this point, getting through 12 weeks of taxol and the first month of AC, with just occasional days or half days off.  But over Christmas I realized that work wasn't bringing me any satisfaction or positive distraction; it had gotten to be nothing but stress that I could no longer deal with.

At Monday's onc appt he asked about sleeping and I told him it's been 5, maybe 6 hours a night. Lucky if I can nap but it's 30 min. at most if I do.  He felt it may be anxiety related and offered me a script for lexapro.  I decided to try it for a week or two and see if it helps.

Tuesday, after getting home from work I felt great.  Knew I was doing the right thing.  Wednesday I got slammed with nausea all day.  Did reglan, did ativan.  Managed to go for a 20 minute walk (it was a gorgeous day) but otherwise it was read and watch tv and try to ignore my overall lousy feeling body.  Today is much better but I'm still trying to get my tummy back to normal with a little bland food here and there.

I'm worried.  I've worked for the last 24 years and have only taken off 2 weeks in a row less than a handful of times.  Now I'm potentially off for the next 11 weeks to finish up this chemo.  And I've been doing the chemo since the end of Aug.  I'm sick of it.  My DH is retired and having him at home is a good thing.  But making plans seems impossible.  I don't know how I'll feel that day.

I have little things that I want to try and get done while at home but I'm just afraid they aren't going to be enough to replace the satisfaction that I get from my work (or at least used to get).  Like go through the old photo boxes and try to get them organized. Catching up on stuff that has been ignored for the past 4 months.  Walking everyday. 

I'm just worried.  Now I'm glad I took him up on the  lexapro.  Overall my attitude has been good but now I'm concerned about depression.  I just want to feel good enough so I can keep myself and my mind busy so these next 2+ months don't become the months from hell.

Kate0574

Nice post... glad the Lexapro worked for you, I admire you for working through most of this "mess" I took six months off and did a lot of reading, tv and walking myself.... now what you ask?  You just keep doing what you are doing and before you know it you will be finished with chemo.  You need a lot of rest especially at the end because your body has been through so much... do not deprive it of that... take care!!

barbe1958

How about continuing or picking up a hobby? Once when I was off I finished a hand-hooked rug I'd had for over 15 years and never completed! I got a lot of satisfaction from that and felt like my time off was well-used.

Do you do any hand-work? Don't necessarily do "old" chores, it has to be something special...

Flamin_nora

I also had difficulty initially adjusting to all of the new found hours in the day...I was someone who was always running from one meeting to another and loved the thrill of fitting in a lot of leisure activities on the side...in retrospect I was probably a bit of an adrenoline junkie...will need to make sure that I don't go back to that mentality once I return to work...

I initially did a lot of "retail therapy" which got me over the first or so (I was probably my first experience of going shopping during the day---there is no one there!!!).  Once I got over that, I scheduled a few activities...things that I always wanted to try, but never had the time....

I started snow-shoeing (winter is long here!) and in the spring,  I a took golf lesson every week (sometimes I would go to the driving range by myself to practice).  I also added a weekly class of Qi Gong.  For me, it was important to have 1 scheduled activity every day out of the house, be it a class or else a "date" with a friend.....I tried not to take on much more than that as I decided that my "job" for the next few months was to get healthy, and that involved slowing down, allowing restful periods as well as sports and eating well..

so suggest you look into some sort of activity that interests you (cooking class? painting? manicure? piano? yoga?)  but make sure you give your body the rest that it needs

karen_in_nj

One of the best pieces of advice I got when I was diagnosed came from a coworker who is a 12 year BC survivor. She said that I should find some sort of big project to do during treatment, so that I would have something to focus on other than the cancer. I enjoy quilting so I started two quilts, and finished them right about the same time I finished treatment. It was wonderful therapy for me - it didn't take a lot of physical energy so I could do it while I was feeling crummy, it did give me something else to think about, and I am really proud of the finished products. Is there some kind of big project you could take on to keep your mind occupied and serve as a distraction?

carol1949

All good suggestions here!  I also took up a couple of projects.  Did a needlepoint pillow, did some scrapbooking for my 2 daughters and made them some real cute Mary Engelbright aprons!  I also play paino and enjoy music.

One of the most beneficial things I did was keep a journal, even of my darkest thoughts and then I trashed them and cleansed my mind of them.  I read several uplifting books and listened to healing tapes.  One when I couldn't sleep that was guaranteed to put me to sleep was Andrew Weil, Sound Body, Sound Minds.  Try it!  

Remember, this too shall pass.  I can't believe that I finally feel back to normal again, but really feel even better and more at peace than I have in a very long time.

clairebear

I too have been working for 24 years for the same company and I agonized over when to go out on short-term disability.  I worked through 7 neoadjuvant chemo treatments, and a surprise hospitalization for a low white blood count. After much deliberation, I went out on STD the day I had my 8th and final chemo. I ended up being very glad I did.  It gave me time to focus on getting through the chemo and getting some strength back to handle the surgery that came about a month later. When I finally made that decision it was a relief to not have to worry about work for a while.  I am still on STD now after 5 months and do enjoy not working.  But I am a few years short of retirement and feel lucky to still have a good job to go back to.  So I am planning on returning in about 5 weeks.  I just finished 9 months of treatment last week. The chemo grind is so draining and you get so sick of being sick.  I planned a few weekend getaways on weeks when I knew I would feel decent. Take it one step at a time and that 11 weeks will be over before you know it. 

jenn3

I am just returning after being out for 6 months.  I too had worked my entire life and didn't know what to do with myself and daytime television is terrible.  I had the same treatment you did, but in reverse order.  I did the AC first, then Taxol.  I woke up at the same time every morning throughout chemo to keep somewhat of a routine.  I got up early, walked, came home had breakfast and a shower then if it was a good day I would do various things that needed to get done, errands, housecleaning, etc and/or visit with friends, movies, lunch and my hobby garden.  I've always been the cook in the house, but I also started searching for new recipes and tried different things with the family.  Unfortunately for me SE's were not kind to me during treatment and I had to learn that on my bad days it was okay to rest and not feel guilty.  I'm a very high strung, can't sit still, OCD person and resting during the day was hard mentally.  But...... there did come a point when I had to tell myself it was okay to sit still, rest and not feel compelled to clean or have everything "just right".  And............ in the end going back to work after so much time off hasn't been bad.  I've had a huge amount of support and the strangest thing is I've just rolled right back where I left off and don't feel out of place.

Enjoy the time off - rest when you need to w/o guilt and use the rest of the time to what you want at your own pace.

diana50

i didn't work for 10 months while i was on chemo and rads. my work involved very close contact with little kids...and i needed to be consistent and "there" every day for the work i was doing; so i went on disability. i was also concerned about "chemo brain" because in the mental health field i needed to be really available and while on treatment i was dealing with side effects..etc. first time i had been off work for 28 years. wow. 

what i did was really concentrate on MY needs. i put myself on a schedule; so i would get up every day...(not sleep in).., eat some cardboard..lol..i mean breakfast...and then i would do my excercise.  if i felt good; i would have a longer work out..if not i would cycle around the block. i usually had some kind of doc or blood work appt to do in the mornings.  afternoons; i rested. i took quiet time to read, pray...journal , cuddle with cats...or sleep if i needed to.  it was very important for me at that time to rest and have some time to myself going through the treatments. in the evening i would cook dinner...cardboard..lol...watch the news...tv and go to bed.  on good days; i would go out for lunch with friends.  i also attended breast cancer support group which i really enjoyed.

having the time from work was good for me.  something i had not had in my life prior to diagnosis. i like it; i allowed myself to enjoy it.  it helped me realize that i liked doing other things like gardening...relaxing...reading and being with friends.  in 10 months i was ready to return to work and did so with enthusiasm.

take care of yourself. it is ok to not be working.

diana50

Pure

Maybe you could volunteer a bit.....Something you can do on your own time.

rinna40

I've actually enjoyed being on a leave. I'v had the chance to spend more time with my young children. I've started working out more regularly. I cook better meals for my family. My last challenge is our back basement. I want it organized before I go back full time in March. I agree. Pick some goals and you'll feel good about the time off.

AnacortesGirl

Thanks for all the good ideas.  I'll work on setting some goals.  They may have to be small (I've felt pretty lousy the last 3 days) but they'll be definite goals, not just tasks.  The support groups in this area are pretty limited, they only meet once a month in my town and once in the neighboring town.  But I can try them.  There is also an art therapy group that actually meets 2 times a month.  The write up claims you don't have to be artistic -- I might show up for that and really put them to the test if they say you don't have to be artistic!

So far the only goal I've made this week is walking everyday. But that's a good one and I feel better because I have been able to achieve that -- it just wasn't getting done while I was working.

If I'm real lucky the weather and my body will allow me to get out and clean up the gardens.  It never got done this fall.  If my DH does it (which he would out of kindness) then I know I'll be missing some plants come spring.  He never has caught on to recognizing a weed versus a perennial.

Barbe1958 - You gave me a laugh about the hook rug 'cause over the holidays my DD was looking for a needle and ran across the crewel picture that I never finished.  Everytime she finds it she tells me how pretty it is and why don't I go ahead and finish it?  Well, that thing is over 25 years old now and maybe I'll just do that.  Then I'll give it to her.  It would probably be considered retro art nowadays.

Pure - Volunteering would be first on my list if I could.  But I'm not dependable enough to start something new where they are counting on their volunteers showing up.  I'm looking forward to doing that after I retire in a couple of years.

Thanks to all the suggestions!  I'm going to keep this link so I can come back and remind myself that others have made it through this without being sent to the padded room.  So I'm armed with drugs and determination to see this through! 

barbe1958

Christy, I think finishing the crewel work and presenting it to your daughter would have huge meaning to you both.

Enjoy your walk today!

cagney

I was off work 11 months on paid sick leave and then LTD for nine months. I am now retired.

I had very low WBC/RBC/Hemoglobin after my first chemo & my onc would not let me go back to work. I couldn't concentrate so book reading was out but read/looked at lots of magazines.

The best thing I did was maintain a blog on blogspot.com (which is free). My friends & co-workers could keep up with my progress & send me notes. I discovered I really enjoyed writing and most of it was humorous (even w/BC the topic!). I'd only written business materials prior to my blog. I've taken an online creative writing class and still enjoy writing. Just tossing out a suggestion.

I had so many appts. between med onc, surgeon, rad onc and treatments & surgery that the time off work really went fast.